On April 1st, 2018 we were cautious while enjoying Easter Sunday festivities as it was also April Fool’s Day. Especially after we had issued an April Fools Easter Alert the day before! On April 1st we generally garner the honor of a visit from The April Fool himself. He’s a prolific paranormal prankster who enjoys embarrassing people whether they simply be supernaturally relevant or pompous asses. In our case hopefully, it’s Mystic Investigations legendary status in the supernatural community. Usually, the Fool mildly vandalizes our website with his goofy content along with personally pranking us. I remember that time he literally turned me into a helium balloon and I floated out the window! It was a shocking and surreal experience! On the lower end of the joke scale, he enjoys teleporting people into crowded area’s completely naked! Our resident demi-mermaid witch Rebecca Abernathy once stepped out of the shower and she was suddenly on Main Street devoid of even a towel!
Since Easter and April Fool’s converged this year both the Easter Bunny and the farcical Fool decided to mystically meld their holidays into one. The Easter Bunny would distribute eggs that weren’t quite what they seemed beside the normal with candy and small gifts. This meant rotten eggs weren’t just for those on the beautiful bunnies naughty list! Hopefully, there would still be eggs containing powers, wishes, and magical objects as well. In unison, the April Fool would work to employ an Easter theme into many of his alarming exploits. Thankfully that meant more bearable pranks for us!
In the morning we attended Easter services at our associate Father Tom’s Church Of Holy Light. He is our exorcist and source of top-flight holy water. Naturally, as usual, we fell asleep in the pews but bolted awake as the Easter Egg Hunt began outside. It was a mild sunny early spring day as we cheered the kids on. Suddenly the Werehare Easter Bunny showed up in his 6 foot tall humanoid furry white rabbit form to give us gifts as a reward for a fine fight against the frightening forces of darkness. Other than us nobody knew his true identity and merely assumed it was a guy dressed up in an ultra-realistic rabbit suit. One way to tell he’s the real deal is the fact that there’s always a group of baby chicks and bunnies following him around. You can also clearly see the sparkling reality in his large eyes that can range from blue to green in color.
The Bunny was far more jovial than usual as he kept giggling like a school girl. He gave everyone at Mystic Investigations an Easter gift basket. My basket exploded leaving confetti and silly string all over me. However, there was some sweet chocolaty goodness at the bottom of the basket. Luckily I wasn’t the person got chocolate cream and pink glitter spattered all over them! The Easter Bunny chuckled and said,”Sorry guys but it’s April Fools Day!” I asked where the April Fool was but he had no idea.
Later the enchanted Bunny invited us back to Easterville, his cloaked village in the Black Forest of Germany. We eagerly agreed since we assumed we might avoid the April Fool. The only way to get to his village instantly was to follow him through his global network of rabbit holes that are in actuality wormholes courtesy of Mother Earth Goddess Gaia. The Easter Bunny transformed to his normal small rabbit form and hopped in. His chicks and bunny helpers jumped in after him. Rebecca conjured up a spell to miniaturize her Mystic Sphere while inside so it would fit into the Easter Bunny’s rabbit holes. So some of us instantly took a trip to his village in the Black Forest of Germany. Nothing new for us here! Rebecca made a point of saying we could only be miniaturized a couple of times a year before it caused bodily damage. So we couldn’t just visit the bunny on a whim!
The village was a fun-filled community of medieval buildings splashed into a kaleidoscope of colors. At the center was a giant egg-shaped castle that was the Easter Bunny’s home and the Capitol Of Easter. The streets were glittering surfaces of varying bright colors that almost resembled linoleum flooring. Even the skies were mystical with pink fluffy clouds courtesy of a magical illusion. Bunnies of all colors, yellow chicks, and kids ran about cheering with glee as their parents looked on. Obviously, these were all people in the paranormal know like us. We enjoyed all manner of amusement rides located about the village including the egg roller coaster. An egg-shaped car rolled on tracks that winded in and around the entire village including underground. Eventually, we retired to Egg Castle for Easter dinner. Amazingly the Demi-Angel Santa Claus, his wife Holly, and their kids made an appearance to pay homage to their good friend Eggbert, the Bunnies real name. As darkness covered the happy village a spectacular fireworks show lit the sky with ecstatic Easter imagery. We then bid the Easter Bunny farewell before popping back through the bunny hole to our home in Woodland Springs, Colorado.
Some of us went to the office to deal with recent pressing paranormal perplexities while others headed home. What we all found was everywhere loaded with crazy bunnies hopping about while rotten eggs rained from the ceiling! The April Fool teleported to each location in his jester costume laughing like a loon while bellowing,”Happy April Fool’s Day! Believe it or not, this wasn’t as bad as what he did to us other years! Thankfully he didn’t touch our website. As usual, everything disappeared and went back to normal at the stroke of Midnight! Well except for when our resident vampire Drake Alexander was teleported buck naked into Times Square New York one second before the Witching Hour! Being transported places doesn’t reverse on April 2nd for some reason? He sped into a subway tunnel at super speed and hypnotized some guy to give him his clothing. Then Drake arrived back home the next day after he caught the first available flight. At least now we have another year before being pranked again! | Twitter |
I, Mystic Investigations President Xavier Remington, led a paranormal team to investigate the Adirondack Abomination in upstate New York. Ultimately we were unable to capture the creature but we did collect a lot of interesting data. The rest of the team, led by Executive Vice-President Drake Alexander, headed to New York City on Valentines Day 2018. They came across the Plague Doctor, Typhoid Mary, and some of his legion of Oath Breakers who are all apart of the greater Plague Doctor Cult! We had originally got wind of something big going down there for the Valentines season but the final intelligence only came to us at the last second! These sick plague loving puppies employed an armada of street walkers to purposely spread new strains of STD’s among the unsuspecting populace. Strains specially created by the Plague Doctor himself. Naturally, these women of the night were charging fees far below that of the average prostitute in order to lure weak-willed men, and even women, into their wanton web of despicable diseases!
Our resident demi-mermaid witch Rebecca Abernathy, telekinetic psychic Julia Hathaway, and demi-zombie Cryptozoologist Ashley Abercrombie posed as prospective street walkers. Rebecca had everyone, including herself, disguised with a magical Glamour spell to alter their appearances. Otherwise, odds are good they would be recognized as members of Mystic Investigations since we are an international supernatural crime-fighting firm! We had learned about a recruitment station in an abandoned wharf side warehouse that would be taking place at Midnight. I swear this sinister stuff always goes down in abandoned warehouses between the Witching Hour and dawn! There our ladies came across the deceptively lovely Typhoid Mary. An asymptomatic carrier of a plethora of diseases including her infamous Typhoid. This meant she could spread disease yet not display any symptoms herself. She wore a surgical mask and kept her distance from everyone as she wished not to infect the participants with various diseases. Thankfully, Rebecca could not catch anything courtesy of her mermaid side. Ashley was half zombie and therefore half dead so it was not a worry for her. On the other hand, Julia was only human so she had to tread carefully.
Ultimately, everyone was selected on the condition they get it on with the Plague Doctor, also known as Dr. Darius Maximilian and Dr. Darius Death. He’s an asymptomatic carrier of every disease known and not known to humankind! Some say he even infected himself with the zombie virus yet remain unaffected! He is the ultimate Patient Zero of everything! This denizen of diseased darkness also has supernatural Disease Manipulation abilities. He can actually decide what disease he will give someone and doesn’t have to always wear his infamous bird’s beak mask. He certainly had it off for what he called “Ritualistic Entry Into His Cult”. That being sex with all the women in the room to spread his sickening STD strains so that they may, in turn, give them to the general populace as a Valentines Day gift. Naturally, he promises magical countermeasures to ensure they don’t suffer the symptoms. However, eventually they do and he could care less if they die once they’ve served their usefulness! He considers the average person a so-called “Useful Idiot”.
Rebecca wanted to put a stop to this so she stripped naked to get the Doctors attention! Indeed he wanted her to be first. LOL! Being a Mermaid-Human Hybrid she was the hottest chick in the room with or without a Glamoured facade. The Doctor made a beeline for her while wearing nothing but a pair of boxers with black crows on them. It would have been a joke if it wasn’t a very real dangerous situation. Rebecca embraced him and then screamed,”Mystic Sphere!” This activated a pink translucent astral energy sphere around her and the Doctor. As she yelled,”movere deinceps!” they shot through the concrete wall sending chunks of stone everywhere! Typhoid Mary yelled,”Noooooo! Darius!” She ran after him while motioning to some minions near the exits to follow her. The prospective women just stood there with shocked looks on their faces. Ashley and Julia bellowed for the ladies to leave as they were in grave danger. Indeed they ran for the doors. Ashley tapped into her zombie side while Julia summoned up her telekinetic powers to deal with the Plague Doctors minions!
Meanwhile, near the water’s edge Rebecca purposely crashed the Plague Doctor into a huge metal bollard meant for tying up a giant freighter. Her bubble burst and she flew into the ice cold bay. He was dazed as he got to his knees. At that moment our very own Drake Alexander, vampire extraordinaire, bit into his neck with a bellowing roar. His enraged eyes glowing crimson over this despicable servant of darkness. Drake had hoped to weaken him and even acquire his paranormal powers temporarily through his blood. Something vampires can do with most supernatural beings. However, upon ingesting his beyond vile tasting blood laden with toxic disease he knew it was a mistake! Drake fell to the ground literally sick to his stomach as the brownish red sludge the Plague menace calls blood oozed down his chin.
The Doctor Of Death rose forth holding Drake’s neck and lifting him into the air with super strength! All the while cackling like a wacko! He glared at Drake saying,”Oh filthy vampire did you really think you were a match for me!? I’ve survived countless centuries and gone up against far greater than you! Still, this is fortuitous as I have a wonderful new disease brewing in me you might like a taste of. A virus I’m hoping will kill every one of you vexing vampire vermin! You have the honor of being my first test subject. Since you drank my blood the virus is in you as we speak. Unfortunately, the viral strain is stubbornly dormant so I need to give it a little kick to let loose its living hell upon your blood sucking DNA!” He grabbed the weakened Drake and pulled his head downward while displaying a sinister smile. The Plague Doctor’s eyes glowed a toxic brown hue as he was about to literally plant the kiss of death upon Drake.
Thankfully, a now clothed and De-Glamoured Rebecca fired forth a volley of mini Mystic Spheres or metaphysical energy balls. The Doctor cried out in pain and dropped Drake to the ground. The Plague Doctor then fell to the ground himself while screaming in agony as Rebecca began shooting lightning from her hands courtesy of her relationship with quite a few Lightning Goddesses. Rebecca’s eyes glowed green with the magic of witchcraft but began turning yellow as red illumination born of anger mixed in. She not only knew of the evil suffering this man had spread through the centuries but also sensed it within him as well. It was time for him to die in order to save countless future lives! She called upon all her magics and let the dark doctor have all of it with extreme prejudice! It seemed the living paranormal plague was about to expire when Typhoid Mary tackled Rebecca into the dark chilling waters of the wharf!
Back inside the warehouse, Ashley’s eyes turned zombie gray just short of silver as she attempted not to lose herself in mindless madness! She bit into some of the thugs with a low guttural sound vibrating forth. Julia telekinetically tossed crates and other large objects at the rest. One pulled out a gun and fired but she changed the route of the bullet to hit the wall instead of her! Julia had taken out her punks and had to pull Ashley off the last one as she began eating him alive! Ashley pushed her away with eyes now a reflective silver as flesh and blood dripped down her pale white chin. She growled as Julia reached her mind with empathic abilities to calm her down. Ashley snapped out of it and was human again! The dynamic duo ran outside to see where everyone else went.
Rebecca was quite drained due to all the power she mustered up and was having quite a time tussling with Typhoid Mary in the frigid water. Mary herself had enhanced strength like the Plague Doctor. This courtesy of the Gods that they worship. That being two of the Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse. Pestilence and Death! Rebecca was more agile in the water being half mermaid and eventually tapped into her hydrokinetic powers to shoot Mary back onto the dock in a torrent of water. Rebecca wriggled out of the water like an excited dolphin minus the tail. Her eyes illuminated sapphire with the heritage of Atlantis behind her. Ashley and Julia ran up stopping the Doctor from crawling away. Rebecca punched Mary in the jaw knocking her out cold! Drake rested against a bollard extremely ill from the poisonous blood. The weakened Plague menace sneered and angrily declared,”You have no idea who you’re dealing with! The wrath of Pestilence and Death will be brought down on you like a plague of rapid diseased locusts!” Everyone shrugged and Rebecca smiled saying,”Sounds like fun plague boy!”
Rebecca wanted to kill the whole lot of Plague Cultist scum. Heck, quite a few of the minions were dead by Ashley’s zombified bite and Julia’s launching of heavy crates upside heads! Drake ordered them to take the Plague Doctor and Typhoid Mary into custody so we could turn them over to the great Sorcerer Ian McTavish. He owns a super maximum paranormal prison in addition to running his Magic School in Scotland. Rebecca reluctantly took out magically spelled shackles and placed them on the disgusting duo. Suddenly the already cloudy skies grew ominously thick with black fog swirling down onto the dock. Thunderous lightning crackled across the skies! The Plague Doctor snickered in triumph,”Ah yes fools I feel the presence of Death! Your time is up!” Indeed a skeletal specter wearing a black hooded robe and holding a large sharp scythe appeared! It was the ultimate Grim Reaper Death himself!
Death swung his scythe at Rebecca but Drake sprung forth and took the blow to his chest. It caused a gaping wound but didn’t kill him since he’s a vampire and technically dead. Rebecca shot Death with an enchanted energy volley but he absorbed it while letting loose a laugh so loud it caused immense pain in everyone’s ears and shattered all the windows in the warehouse. His spectral form became more solidified as he took complete physical form. Rebecca tried again but her magic was no match for this literal personification of death for the entire Omniverse! Nothing short of Omnimagic would possibly work against this terrifying titan! The Plague Doctor begged,”My deliciously dark Lord please accept everyone here except my dear Mary as sacrifices to you and your honorable comrade in arms Pestilence!” Death responded,”Yes my son I accept these sacrifices!” The Grimmest Of Reapers waved his hand and the shackles disintegrated from his and Mary’s wrists. They both sprung up re-energized and smirking in smug glee!
Death’s eyes amazingly glowed black! He then exclaimed,”And now you all shall die! The vampire and the zombie will be excised leaving only their humanity for my scythe of death to take! You will live within my dark void for all eternity!” He swung his implement of terror wildly but a thick thunderous beam of orange flames knocked his scythe from his hand. Everyone was shocked to see it was the Devil himself with his young son the Anti-Christ in tow. The boy appeared to be about 7 years old even though his birth in April 2015 would only make him 3. Death was a bit surprised but quickly recovered as his sharp implement flew back to his hand. He then angrily yelled,”Satan you really think you’re a match for me?” The Devil replied,”Perhaps not but with my son, my Archdemons, and the King Of Hell we might stand a chance!” The Super Sorcerer Dimitri Diablo stepped from a flaming portal with several Arch-Demons following him. It seems the war for power in Hell was over and Diablo entered into a truce with the Devil! Diablo’s magic was so amazing that he was able to oust the Devil from power even being only human! Both had their own demonic factions and Diablo accepted remaining King so as long as he accepted the Devil as Hell’s Emperor. The Devil would be busy with Armageddon War plans while Diablo managed Hell itself with the gift of additional Archdemon abilities.
Death inquired,”Why do you care what happens to these puny physical beings?” The Devil replied,”They’re destined to be major players in the apocalypse and I’m a stickler for prophecy!” Diablo added,”You’re also forbidden by God from being on Earth until your own prophesied Armageddon battles. I’d leave before Archangels get wind of your presence here!” Death laughed and replied,”Oh yes you boys love playing by the rules! As for you Diablo I will be reaping you very soon! Until we meet on the battlegrounds of the end times!” Death vanished into a black fog with the Doctor and Mary in his grip! After they were gone everyone stared in awkward silence. Drake muttered,”I guess we should thank you…” The Devil interrupted,”Don’t think I haven’t forgotten your role in trapping me on Earth during the First Battle Of Armageddon! It may have turned out for the best in the end…” He turned to smile at his new partner Diablo who was now no longer the eternal loner. “…but I never forget a wrong against me! Mystic Investigations will ultimately die a horrendous death on my battlefield of brimstone and blood! Then I will drag your souls to Hell for all eternity!”
Drake, Rebecca, Julia, and Ashley looked on in silent shock as the skies abruptly cleared and rays of white light streamed down on everyone. The Devil then yelled,”Oh crap back to sweet Hell everyone!” The devilish gang re-entered the portal of Hell and disappeared. At that moment the white light vanished as well but not before healing Drake’s wound along with the sickness caused by the Plague Doctor’s nasty blood! Truly it was simultaneously the most terrifying and then the most peaceful experience ever! Rebecca said,”Darn I thought we were going to see some angels!” Drake replied,”Ah someday Rebecca! Someday! Let’s call the police to collect the thugs left alive in the warehouse. I’m sure the criminal scum have warrants for their arrests.” They all stopped at an all-night diner to eat before flying away in the Mysticopter hidden nearby. They picked the rest of our team up in the Adirondack Mountains and home to Woodland Springs, Colorado we flew!
Final Footnote: Drake Alexander has always been a free spirit who cares not for the Transylvanian vampire royals. However, he extended an olive branch and told them that The Plague Doctor may have a virus that kills vampires. Now all vampires have standing orders to kill Doctor Death on sight if they can! [Twitter]
Xavier Remington, President Of Mystic Investigations here! It’s been a long time since I wrote in this blog as we are very busy battling the forces of darkness. I guess I feel like I have to tell a complete story of our supernatural adventures and so end up putting it off. Perhaps a few paragraphs every so often will do? That being said I’m almost done with the story of Fraggle The Elf. He took over as President here and ran things when most of us Executives were away on our annual vacation retreat to the Demi-Angel Santa Claus’s North Pole City. Certainly a treat for many of us in the paranormal know. Santa is nice enough to give visitors the option to have Elves take over their supernatural operations. While gone from late December 2017 to early January 2018 the fantastic Fraggle took over. Here is the first two paragraphs of his story:
The executive staff of Mystic Investigations work hard all year running the office, conducting paranormal research projects, and battling the forces of supernatural evil in the field. So we look forward to our longest and most cherished of vacations every year. That being our surreal stay at the Santa Claus’s winter wonderland. During our tremendous time at Santa’s North Pole City amid the 2017 Christmas season, we were given the option to have an Elf man our supernatural post as it were. We happily took that option even though the Christmas season brings us the least paranormal cases. Still, we wanted someone with some level of paranormal power to be here just in case things got crazy. Fraggle The Elf was sent to us here in Woodland Springs, Colorado by Santa Claus who is a powerful Demi-Angel force for good on Earth I, Xavier Remington, made Fraggle temporary Mystic Investigations President with full authority to run the business as he saw fit. All our personnel are not fully aware of the wondrous world of the supernatural so we’ve only told them we’re going on a business trip up north. They believe Fraggle is my vertically challenged cousin.
We’d never met Fraggle at the North Pole before because most of his work lies in the outside world. When we first met the little fella, who was barely 2′ 10″, we thought it would be best for him to change out of his tiny green Elf costume before meeting our non-executive employees who would not be traveling to the North Pole. Thankfully, Santa had the foresight to send an adorable little business suit with Fraggle. Otherwise, we would have had to take him to a tailor, or a toddler store. LOL! In addition, Santa gave him a glamouring spell to hide his pointy ears. However, at any point, he could appear in his Elf uniform with his ears, and simply claim it was a costume to celebrate Christmas…….I’ll try and complete this story before next Christmas. LOL!
North Pole City Christmas Vacation – December 21, 2017 To January 5th, 2018
Ever since 2011 we’ve relished in taking a break from fighting paranormal evil by delving into the winter wonderland of the worlds Christmas Capitol. A place where your worries wash away and you feel like a kid again. To an extent the outside world fades away just as being at the North Pole does once you leave. I get the most serene sleep and have the most delightful dreams there!
Once again we were nominated for the prestigious Claus Awards that honors those who risk their lives to help others in need. Nominees get to stay at Claus Manor with Santa, Mrs.Claus, and his two kids. We ultimately didn’t win the award but one simply cannot be disappointed to eat every meal at a table with the Claus family, Elves, winter nymphs, intelligent speaking penguins, and stuffed animals come to life! Not to mention you can eat everything in sight without any health or weight issues. I chugged 20 gallons of eggnog and ate a good 14 gallons of ice cream! Some of which was eaten with my little buddy Gerbert The Elf. He is, of course, the notorious Peppermint Ice Cream Bandit at the North Pole!
We later entered the Christmas Elf Snowball Fight. Each team has one elf on it since an all Elf team would always win a snowball fight. I got pelted in the head a few times but it didn’t hurt since you can’t experience pain here. It was just a pleasant tingling sensation. I’ve actually seen people punching each other in the face and laughing like crazy. LOL! Anyway Mystic Investigations came in third place even with a vampire on our team. That being Executive VP Drake Alexander. While in this holy place he reverts to a Angel like vampire form. When we returned home everything was in order thanks to Fraggle The Elf. Other Mentions Of North Pole City
Super Blue Blood Moon Eclipse – January 31st, 2018
The Super Blue Moon Eclipse transmuted to a rare Violet Moon which ended up turning anything unholy to ash if basking within the holy light. So our battles with Werewolves were minimal and those in direct moonlight died. We went around town at dawn contacting known werewolves to see if it was they who perished. We at least brought closure to a few families who got the bad news. Our very own vampire Exec VP Drake Alexander nearly turned to ash as he spontaneously burst into unholy flames. Our resident witch Senior VP Rebecca Abernathy acted quickly to cast a shielding spell as we rushed him to safety! Luckily the Violet Moon amped up her own magical powers. Drake has fully recovered from his near death experience. Our own werewolf Seth Morgan was locked away safely in a cage at Mystic Investigations headquarters. This is the responsible thing for all werewolves to do on Full Moon nights! For their own well being and that of everyone else.
Fifth Annual International Para-Con – February 21-February 28, 2018
This years secret International Paranormal Investigators Conference was in Moscow, Russia. It’s a place for most of us in the real paranormal community to compare notes and devise strategies to defeat the forces of darkness in preparation for Armageddon. Many of us gave speeches and demonstrations on the latest supernatural sleuthing techniques while learning from others ourselves. There was a surprise visit by President Vladimir Putin. He’s well aware of the secret supernatural world and was deeply interested during the hour he spent at the conference. We spoke to him briefly but our vampire team member Drake Alexander had a more extensive private conversation with him. Apparently, they know each other from way back in the day. It’s also interesting to note Putin always travels with his personal Wizard Fyodor. Perhaps that is how he’s retained power for so long?
While there we came across Slenderman in the Khimki Forest. He was actually sabotaging the controversial highway that cuts through the forest as it caused the loss of many trees. Slender loves hiding in the woods and feels most at home there. So naturally, he is for saving the environment. Probably the evil entities only redeeming quality next to his decent treatment of children despite kidnapping them for their unique metaphysical energy! If not for these despicable kidnappings we would have left him to it but we had to attempt capture. Capture rather than extermination as there are alternate dimensional forces who sentenced him here to live rather than be executed. These forces have strong anti-death protection on him!
Either Slender Man was low on paranormal power or wasn’t in the mood to play because he kept evading us! Certainly, we caused harm to him before. Slender easily shapeshifted to hide behind trees and all manner of foliage. He had us running around the dark woods all night and into the morning like fools. Thankfully, we must have worn him out because we saw a flash of light indicating he teleported away. Our Psychic Julia Hathaway said he was long gone!