DMV Damnation

A Beautiful Witch At The DMV

Hey, Rebecca Abernathy here! Yesterday I had the pleasure of taking a lovely trip to the DMV.  Even as a witch, and a demi-mermaid, I dread going down to the Department Of Motor Vehicles.  I take issue with having to pay a fee, and register with the government, in order to travel freely by my chosen mode of transportation.  That mode being my pretty pink petite Porsche.  Despite that requirement, there’s still a plethora of insane drivers infesting the roadways of our once-great nation now bogged down by bombastic bureaucracies!  All that aside what I really can’t stand are the long lines, and of course the creeps.  Particularly the mouth breathers who stare at you in a deranged manner.  Basically, a number of people that you’d never want to get anywhere near under any circumstance. You’re sentenced to sit in an enclosed area with them for what seems like an unbearable length of time.  It’s certainly an issue for an attractive twenty-something female such as myself.  You wouldn’t believe the perverts that think the DMV is some kind of pick-up zone!

I reluctantly drove to the DMV to renew my driver’s license and decided I shouldn’t have to force my boyfriend Xavier, my family, or friends to come down with me to help deter any unwanted attention.  I knew it would take all my will power not to use my witchcraft or Mermaid powers upon some of the more relentless characters. Such as the grease ball who sits right next to me the minute I sit down after receiving my number from the front desk. The scuzzball was wearing a wife-beater, gold necklace, and ridiculously large pinky ring. Naturally, he had the big cheesy mustache to complete the creeper profile. It wasn’t surprising that he spewed forth the standard stale pick-up lines utilized time, and time again by many of the low-life Lothario’s who lurk in the shadows stalking innocent women everywhere.  Instead of telling him where to shove his lewd advances, I acted as if I was interested as I touched his hand.

In reality, I was conducting an experiment to see if I could affect the water in a human body with my hydrokinetic abilities, aka water manipulation powers.  I was successful in moving water from the organs in his torso up into his face causing him to look extremely bloated as he began to feel ill from isolated dehydration.  Since he seemed quite vain I knew he’d really panic after seeing his huge head in my compact mirror.  He screamed, “Holy crap my fat face!”  He then felt seriously sick to his stomach and ran to the bathroom. Everyone turned toward the restroom as sounds of massive barfing echoed forth throughout the DMV.  Yes, that was not only for me but all my fellow sisters everywhere who have to put up with these pathetic pervs!

Thankfully my number was called, and I looked into the eye test viewer.  I was in such a hurry to get through this idiocy that I didn’t hear the lady at the counter say read the first line of letters.  I read all of them to the very bottom.  She looked shocked, and said, “Oh my God that isn’t possible!  According to the computer you have 20/5 vision!  I thought I read somewhere that’s the measurement for Eagle eyesight!”  I then chuckled nervously, and said, “Ehhhh lucky guesses?  Maybe I should just read the first line?”  This time I purposely got 20/20 vision.  Then I had to present my birth certificate, and social security card to meet the new Federal Real ID standards.  Unlike my Mermaid mother, I was born on US soil so I have those real documents. My Mother Marina on the other hand had to have them forged by someone in the supernatural black market known as the Black Bazaar.  She certainly couldn’t show the government her official engraved birthstone from the undersea world of Atlantis. Someday I might have to forge identification since I’m plausibly Immortal. Hopefully, humanity will discover how to become Immortal before that so I can simply blend in.

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Finally, it was picture time.  Oh, joy!  A chubby guy with a mustard stain on his shirt practically slobbering over me while snapping my photo. He sure took his time telling me to pose in certain ways as he looked on with despicable glee!  One flash went off, and then a second one which was odd.  I asked why he shot another one, and he actually had the nerve to say, “Oh that one’s just for me sweetheart.  Oh yeah all for me tonight honey!”  I was beside myself and nearly lost it ready to launch a barrage of magical energies upon the disgusting deviant.  Thankfully I glanced up around the large room to see multiple surveillance cams.  If my magic was caught on video there would be major supernatural consequences! Instead, I decided to do another under-the-radar experiment.  Could my Faunapathic powers, best suited to aquatic animals, summon land-dwelling insects?  While I had been sitting in the waiting area my apparent eagle vision had spotted a few ants here, and there.  Most likely scouts who I now focused on, and commanded to marshal their sugar-loving armies forth upon the drooling pig standing in front of me eating a jelly donut.  Naturally, he had a big purple stain to join the yellow mustard on his white shirt. This went well with his greasy comb-over.

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He told me I would be getting my driver’s license in the mail as a Real ID security measure.  I walked away slowly still telepathically contacting every ant I could imagine. My Mermaid ears heard the degenerate ask the lady at the counter, “Hey Marge can you give me that Rebecca chicks phone number, and address?” I couldn’t believe this guy was allowed to handle people’s personal data!  Despite my anger, I smiled mischievously while nearing the exit because he began to scream like crazy, “Holy sh#$t! Antssssssss up my ass!”  Everyone in the place started laughing as he danced around like a looney toon due to literally having ants in his pants!  LOL! At that moment the restroom puker let loose another round of noisy nausea. It turned out going to the DMV can be super fun after all! Again this is for all you ladies out there who have to deal with being treated like a piece of meat every time you go out in public.  I can’t wait to come back to the DMV of damnation for some more perverted justice!

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UPDATE: My driver’s license was set to expire in 2022. Due to COVID-19 the DMV offered online renewals! The soonest I could renew was one year before expiration so I pounced before the magic ended. I won’t have to return to the DMV until 2030!

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Xavier Remington
9 years ago

Well excuse me Alexander but I was single handedly taking down a gang of street punks hopped up on vampire blood!

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