Rowdy Ransomware Roust

The Case Of The Cyber-Voodoo Extortionist Hacker!

Tuesday morning started off with a bang when we were unable to access any of our computer files!  Then we got an ominous email from a horrifying hacker holding our digital documents for ransom. We were a victim of the infamous Ransomware! A complex computer virus that locks files via an encryption code. This gives a hacker leverage to extort money from individuals, and businesses. If we didn’t pay $2.2 million dollars the heinous hacker said our files would be deep-sixed into oblivion, and beyond! This includes our precious paranormal database of sensitive supernatural secrets amassed over the last 10 years. On top of that, we have our resident vampire Executive VP Drake Alexander’s 700 years of personal journals painstakingly scanned into digital form. Of course, he at least still has the original texts at his stately forest manor.

Conventional hacking is impossible in our paranormal crime fighting facility since our resident witch Rebecca Abernathy has incorporated multi-layered magical encryption with the aid of our computer whiz kid, and Cyborg Zack Powers. Unfortunately, it seems we were compromised by a Voodoo Master who called himself Voodoo Victor.  He apparently used a unique computer cyber-curse voodoo virus he paranormally patented to partake in pestering people for exorbitant extortion money! His emails demanding mad money were seriously smug and so full of pride bragging about how he beat the marvelous Mystic Investigations! In fact, our angry replies took the ransom from the original $1.3 million to the final $2.2 million figure!  Our bad! 🙂

Tracking The Hacker

Fortunately, those replies and responses from this filthy fiend allowed Rebecca, Zack, and our Psychic Julia Hathaway to locate his wretched ransomware rear!  A method of GPS map scrying, and supernatural server tracking did the trick! We’ll give him credit. He was smart bouncing the emails off 13 different computer servers around the world.  He led us to believe he was in Nigeria because we were supposed to wire the money to a Nigerian bank account. However, we ultimately found the blasphemous bastard was in the Bayou of New Orleans, Louisiana.  No surprise since it’s nearly the top-ranked Voodoo practitioner location in the world, second only to Haiti!  Once we knew where the son of a bitch was we toned down our responses and said we were in the midst of raising the funds. We had the MysticJet prepared for take-off at our local airport here in Woodland Springs, Colorado. Within a few hours, we were in the air headed to Louisiana for some sweet revenge!

We landed at Louis Armstrong New Orleans International Airport at about 3 PM Central Time.  We then promptly rented some SUV’s, and raced to Cajun Bayou country! As we entered the muggy swamps of the Bayou, Rebecca began scrying on a local paper map we got at the Chamber Of Commerce.  An hour and a half later we stopped at the end of a muddy dirt road and exited our vehicles cautiously. A series of wood boardwalks navigated through the scum-ridden swamp ahead of us.  Drake utilized his eagle-eyed vampire vision to see a small cabin in the distance.  We were about to walk onto the wood construction when at least a dozen Zombies began blasting out of the soggy Earth and dark waters at light speed. Clearly, such fast-moving zombies were the product of magic. Most likely Voodoo!

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The Bayou Blowout!

I bellowed the command, “Evasive walking dead attack pattern Delta Seven!”  Everyone sprung into action as we took out the zombie scourge with extreme unrelenting prejudice!  Everyone fought with their specialty tools of the trade. I used my trusty sword, Drake used his bare hands, Rebecca her magic, Zack his bionic strength, Julia telekinesis, and our Cryptozoologist Ashley Abercrombie just stood there smiling as two zombies barely bit her before racing away to be eradicated by the rest of us! She’s an extremely rare Human-Zombie Hybrid so she’s immune to the Zombie Virus, and her flesh is repellent to the mindless living dead drones. Generally, she’d rather not fight, and often plays dead since she can halt her heartbeat, and breathing.  Since the despicable rotted remains of the zombies were strewn about all over us we jumped into the swamp to wash up a bit.  Then we headed down the boardwalk.

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The Horrifying Hacker Faces His Victims!

When we came to the cabin we could see three satellite dishes on top and heard maniacal laughter coming from inside. As we neared the front door we could hear a man talking to someone on the phone, “Yeah I got six different high-class chumps pissing their pants! If all goes well it’ll be a cool  $22.3 million for us! Who knew Voodoo could be so damn freaking profitable!” Then the crazy cackling started up again before he said, “Yeah bye Foster.” When he hung the phone up we kicked the door in, and I said, “Surprise Motherf@$&*#!” Voodoo Victor was a giant horizontally challenged slob with a borderline vertical challenge as well. He was stuffing his face full of Crawfish with some kind of crimson sauce dripping down his greasy white t-shirt.  We startled Victor so badly that he started choking as he frantically grabbed a Voodoo Doll[Ad] while holding a lighter to it.  He spat up some of the Crayfish he was gagging on, and then stuttered, “Sttt-sttay the the h-h-hell away! When y-you entered that door a magical dust flew on you, and cemented a curse! This doll is you now fools!  I light this bitch, and you’ll all go up in flames! Think I’m joking! Try me!”  Victor then singed the hair on the doll to prove his point. A small tuft of everyone’s hair, except for Drake, and Rebecca, lit ablaze briefly as we patted our heads in a moment of panic!

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The Epic Fail Of Victor’s Voodoo

Voodoo Victor snidely snickered a bit but then inquired, “What the hell? Why didn’t it work on you two?”  Rebecca then smiled slyly saying, “I’m half Mermaid, and he’s a vampire you big dumb dumb! You need a more powerful Voodoo Doll Curse to affect us!” He then nervously chuckled, “Are you crazy? Magic, Zombies, Aliens, and Ghosts are real but the rest is science fiction!” Drake replied, “You’re a misinformed moron!  We’re from Mystic Investigations, and we want the damn encryption code to our files now!” Drake then extended his sharp fangs, and caused his eyes to glow raging red!  Victor screamed like a little girl and lit the Voodoo doll on fire. Rebecca yelled forth for her active witchcraft power, “Noooo! Mystic Sphere! Nec Aer!” She threw her hands forth encapsulating the doll, and Victor in her pink translucent energy orb.  She also added that no air be in it.  The flames instantly extinguished, and we only felt a few seconds of pain.  Victor was trapped within gasping for air.  I walked up to the clear pink metaphysical energy sphere, and demanded, “Your Voodoo is a joke! Give us the codes now!”  He then gasped, “It’s the blue USB flash drive[Ad] on the table with your company’s name on it!” I walked over with Zack, and we found it along with a pile of other USB sticks. There was also information on his computer about everyone he was extorting from.  In addition, we found two bank accounts with 3 million dollars in them combined.

Ransomware Justice Served Up Supernatural Style!

Rebecca popped her paranormal bubble, and Drake picked a beyond-frightened Voodoo Victor up with one hand. He lifted him into the air before throwing him across the room causing a table to collapse under his immense weight.  He had to be at least 350 pounds while not being much taller than 5′ 6″!  Big Vic rested on the floor while sweating like a pig. He desperately pleaded, “Don’t take anything but your flash drive! I owe powerful people money! They’ll come after you!” We laughed, and I told Drake, “I guess we can’t let him live now?”  Drake smiled and nodded as he strolled over literally growling like a tiger. He picked Victor up again, and pretended he was about to sink his fangs into him but stopped short only to mesmerize him with vampire hypnosis.  He made Voodoo Victor not only forget about us but who he even was.  He told Victor he was an Alligator, and then threw him out the window into the swamp water.

Victor peacefully swam away never to be seen again!  We transferred the confiscated 3 million to our offshore Cayman Islands account for redistribution to the victims with the rest, of unknown origin, going to charity. After collecting all the data we lit the cabin ablaze, and drove back to New Orleans. Along the way, we sent the codes back to our Colorado headquarters, and an employee was able to unlock all our files! The man Victor was talking to was named Foster Peckers. Peckers was living in Nigeria so we had some local paranormal associates of ours pick him up, and turn him over to the authorities. There was no evidence of anyone else in on this global computer caper. Hopefully, this matter was closed, and there weren’t any power players involved in this extortion racket.

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Leisure Time In Louisiana

As long as we were there we decided we might as well spend the night in New Orleans. We visited Jackson Square and then ate at the highly honored, and awarded Commander’s Palace. They usually require reservations weeks in advance but Drake and Rebecca hypnotized everyone. We could have eaten for free but we never use our powers in an immoral way….well not overly immoral anyway! LOL! 🙂  We ended up spending the night at the prestigious Ritz-Carlton Hotel.  Drake actually had an old immortal friend, named Fabricia Albus, who holds a permanent room there, and they caught up on old times. Luckily this was the usual time of year she spent in New Orleans since she travels a lot.

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Before we went to bed we walked about the local area including Canal, and Bourbon Streets. On Bourbon Street a charming woman named Lisa Wentworth had her purse suddenly stolen by a petty thief.  Drake caught him in a jiffy, hypnotized the perp to never commit another crime in his entire life, and returned her purse.  Drake and Lisa talked a bit before we continued experiencing the nightlife of New Orleans until about 1 AM.  It turns out Lisa is the owner of a company in Wisconsin that specializes in wondrous Werewolf traps which we will definitely utilize in the future! Werewolves are people too! We capture, contain, and release after returning to human form at dawn whenever possible!

What’s Ransomware?

Mystic Investigations Organization Command Chart
Mystic Investigations Org Chart

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