Black Friday Booty Battle


As I slept soundly after a fine Thanksgiving meal, Rebecca awakened at 3:00 AM to go pick up the girls and head down to The Woodland Springs Shopping Mall.  They were to open at 4:00 AM for supposedly sweet sales on all manner of items.  I myself find the waiting in lines at ridiculously early hours and then fighting with a mob to buy things not really needed to be quite insane.  However, I guess the ladies love getting a good deal.  Rebecca drove out into the darkness from Remington Manor in her 1999 Metallic Pink Porsche 911 Carrera Cabriolet and headed down to Mystic Investigations headquarters. There the other women from our office had just arrived, and then they all loaded into the Mystic Van in order to race to the mall.  Rebecca, Julia, Ashley, Elizabeth, and Barb knew trouble was brewing as they pulled up to the mall at 3:45 AM to find the lot full of cars that extended onto the normally desolate street now teaming with life.  The line of people stacked in front of the mall entrance was huge and extended around the side of the huge building.

Rebecca was driving the black company van and found it unacceptable that she’d have to park halfway down the block.  She drove through the sea of cars in the well-lit parking lot, and as usual, the handicapped spaces were empty.  She looked at the other four women, and said, “Any objections?”  They all shook their heads “no” in agreement.  Rebecca then motioned to Julia, and they both got out of the van.  Julia concentrated deeply as she held her hands outward toward the car parked next to the handicapped space.  The car began to move slowly under the power of her telekinesis.  However, she stopped and indicated it was too much for her to do alone.  Rebecca then looked around cautiously and yelled, “Reverse Mystic Sphere!”  Instead of a pink orb of energy appearing around her, it appeared in front of her connected to her hands.  She pushed the large sphere against the front driver’s side of the car while Julia pushed against the back driver’s side.  Together, they moved the car into the handicapped space.  They smiled at each other, clearly happy with themselves, as Rebecca got back in the van and parked it in the space they had vacated the other car from.

The five women then headed to the front entrance of the mall as 4:00 AM approached.  Barb then said, “Damn, this line is absolutely ridiculous!  By the time we get in there, all the good stuff will be gone!”  All the ladies agreed as they shook their heads in disbelief at the people in tents, and sleeping bags who had been camped out since Thanksgiving Day.  They all huddled together in the cold under a lamp post to discuss a strategy.  Rebecca considered a spell that would freeze the entire crowd.  However, it would be caught on the various surveillance cameras, and would look suspicious they were the only ones not frozen.  Certainly, a great way to inform the government of their supernatural talents.  Julia thought about hypnotizing the crowd but there were too many people to accomplish this.  Then they came upon a clandestine plan to gain first entry into the shopping mall of Black Friday delights.

The women went to the back of the line and waited.  Near them was another entrance that wasn’t going to be opened for this special early opening.  In fact, the sign on the door said to use the main entrance.  Inside the store officials and security guards could be seen standing by the main entrance waiting for 4:00 AM.  Ashley got their attention by getting on her knees and pounding on the door.  As they look over at her she collapsed on to the sidewalk.  They all ran to the door and opening it.  At that moment Rebecca recited an incantation in Latin, “Ambisagrus dicam tibi. Fac nos pro invisibilibus tempestas ventis.”  The guards and store employees knelt around Ashley’s seemingly lifeless corpse, thanks to her zombie half playing dead while a sudden brisk breeze came out of nowhere, and blew into the mall.  Somewhere near a water fountain, the ladies materialized seemingly out of thin air.  Ashley woke up just then and asked for some water.  They helped her into the store at about 4:01 AM as the crowds outside started pounding on the glass door wondering why they weren’t being let in.  By 4:04 Ashley felt fine and ran off to meet up with the other women who were already running out of a shoe store.  Elizabeth yelled, “Hey Ashley we got you the pair of Manolo Blahnik’s you wanted!”  Barb then screamed, “We have precious little time to get to the other stores before the mob gets hold of everything!”

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By 4:07 they were in the electronics store scurrying about getting the latest gadgets just as the crowds were finally being let into the building.  The women could hear the screaming as the out of control shoppers pushed each other, and ran to their respective doors for the big deals.  The women ran out of the store into the corridor just as the first wave of crazy consumers came barreling past.  One fat guy with egg stains on his filthy t-shirt plowed right into Rebecca and caused her to fall to the ground.  She then bellowed, “Hey you son of a bitch!”  Julia then swung her hand to the side, and the man fell to the ground hard as if he tripped over something.  Rebecca and the others started laughing.  Rebecca then said, “Yeah take that you big smelly whale!”  They attempted to get to the jewelry shop but the crowds were severely stunting their progress. Rebecca then quietly implored, “Fulgora effluere per vestram industriam electrokinetic me. Ita ut vox multitudinis in sinum tuum mihi pateret iter.”  Small lightning bolts shot forth from her low lying hands which she used to shock people’s feet.  This snapped them out of their frenzy for material items while Julia slid people to the side with her telekinesis.

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Soon enough the ladies were in the jewelry store mesmerized by the glittering jewels of diamond, ruby, emerald, and sapphire.  At the same time, they were captivated by the gold and silver.  Elizabeth spotted the diamond necklace of her dreams now finally at a price she could afford.  Just as she was about to grab it, a short chubby grubby stubby woman wearing thick glasses, and a purple-pink polka dotted moo moo rips it violently from the display, and screams, “Oh no you don’t!  It’s mine! All mine I tell you!”  Julia then walks over, and says softly, “No it’s hers actually.  You want to give it to her out of the kindness of your heart.”  The woman stares emotionless into Julia’s eyes as she holds her wrist.  The women then handed the necklace over to Elizabeth who happily thanks her.  By the time the woman snapped out her hypnotic trance, Elizabeth, and the girl gang of supernatural shopping had already left the store.

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Rebecca was leading the gabby gals to the Magic Shop which wasn’t a shop of gags, and trick but rather a legitimate enchanted establishment selling real paranormal paraphernalia.  Upon entering the store Rebecca had her deep dark blue eyes trained on a particular pure Amethyst crystal amulet on a pure gold chain with a pure silver clasp connecting the two.  As Rebecca neared it the beauty of the violet mystic crystal sparkling in the light was evident.  It was on sale for Black Friday, and it’s one of a kind magical potential was priceless.  Unfortunately, an eager enchanting woman with long wavy raven hair, and dark green eyes got to it first.  Rebecca then exclaimed, “Hey what the hell!  I was just about to take that!”  The woman then snapped back, “First come first serve bitch!”  Julia got between them and attempted her patented hypnosis but the emerald-eyed women just cackled and said “Nice try but your hypnotic powers are a joke.”  Rebecca then angrily interjected, “Listen bitch you have no idea what you’re buying or who you’re dealing with!”  She then replied, “Oh, and you do?  You practice magic?”  Rebecca replied, “Yes I’m a witch and powerful one at that!”  The lady then exclaimed, “You sound like a rank amateur with a big ego.  I’m Arianna, a member of the Routt County Coven of witches!  If you know what’s good for you then you’ll back off, and scurry away!”  Rebecca then asked angrily, “What the hell are you doing in Comanche County?  I’m the leader of the Comanche County Coven, and you’re not wanted here!  Drop the amulet, and hit the road harlot!”

The two women got up in each other’s faces as Arianna replied, “I’ll go where I damn well, please!  Your crappy coven is a joke!  Our sisters of magic are led by the illustrious, and powerful Lexanna?  Hey wait a minute you’re Rebecca Abernathy!  Lexanna kicked your ass on Valentines Day!”  She then started laughing almost maniacally which set Rebecca over the edge, and she slapped her in the face.  Arianna then lunged at Rebecca, and they were on the ground wrestling around knocking display cases over.  The shop owner and the other women tried to break it up but Rebecca screamed “Mystic Sphere!”.  A huge pink ball of energy enveloped Rebecca and sent everyone flying back.  The power of the mini lightning bolts was still fresh within her so all she had to do was point her hands at Arianna, and the energy flowed forth knocking her against a wall causing her to drop the amulet.  Rebecca picked it up with a smug look of satisfaction on her face.  The shop owner yelled, “Hey come on I give you people a lot of latitude but you’re messing my livelihood up.  It would serve you right if I had hidden cams in here, and exposed you to the public!”

Barb calmed him down, and said they would pay for any damage as Rebecca ignored him, and stood over Arianna while exclaiming, “Tell Lexanna that I’ll take her on any time, and I hope the bitc….”  Just then Arianna puts her hands together, and a blinding burst of light hits Rebecca’s Mystic Sphere causing it to pop like a blown bubble of pink gum minus the mess.  Everyone in the store was blinded as Arianna shoots off another volley of photonic power that sends Rebecca flying into a display case of potion bottles causing them to shatter.

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Julia attempts to intervene with her telekinetic powers but she too becomes a victim of the wicked witch’s wrath.  Arianna then stands over Rebecca with a sinister smile on her face as she picks up the amulet, and proclaims, “Say hello to my Goddess-given active power of photokinesis bitch!  You’re in the little league’s little lady.  It’s best not to play with the pros.  You might get hurt girl.”  Barb, Elizabeth, and the shop owner had closed a garage like door so nobody in the mall corridor could witness this blatant public display of magic since there could be serious repercussions if the general public knew such mystical mastery existed!

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Arianna grabbed Rebecca’s auburn hair and was sneering at her when Ashley suddenly kicked Arianna in the head causing her to fall down.  Ashley hopped on top of her and held her hands apart to prevent any more photokinetic attacks.  However photonic energy still came from her hands causing Ashley to glow.  The witch then asked in a bewildered tone, “How the hell are you still conscious?”  Ashley then replied proudly, “I’m half zombie of course”  Rebecca quickly snatched the Amethyst amulet away, and placed it around her neck.  She then hollered, “Get off her Ashley!  I can take it from here!”  Ashley sprung up, and Arianna clasped her hands hastily together. A luminous burst hit Rebecca but it was absorbed by the amulet.  Rebecca then exclaimed with glee, “Yes you pathetic fool I wear the amulet now, and your powers will only be absorbed.”  Arianna got up, and ran out the back exit while screeching, “You haven’t heard the last of this Becky girl!  Lexanna and my coven will come down on you like a swarm of rabid bats!”  Everyone started laughing except for the shop owner who was mad about the damaged displays, and merchandise.  Rebecca told him to contact Mystic Investigations to be reimbursed.  Certainly, damages due to battling a wicked witch was a deductible business expense.

The women waded back into the stormy sea of humanity within the mall corridors.  After a minute they felt like they were in a mosh pit, and decided it was time to leave the hell of Black Friday behind them.  Unfortunately getting to an exit was next to impossible in the single-minded mob of mad mass marketing victims.  Finally, Rebecca screamed, “Screw this crap!”  They all went into the ladies room and instructed the few women in there to leave.  Then Rebecca yelled, “Mystic Sphere!  Hop in ladies!  It’s time to fly away from this insane asylum with our bountiful booty in tow”  All the women got into clear pink energy sphere while holding their bags of bought goods.  The sphere of freedom then rose up and crashed through the second-floor ceiling. Then exploded through the mall’s rooftop, and flew away into the dark skies of the pre-dawn hour.  They decided to come back for the van when the chaos was over.  So ends a terrifying tale of Black Friday peril that will live with us all in the paranormal annals of history! Oh yeah, we paid for the extensive damage anonymously of course! [Twitter]

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[…] that had some us laughing like crazy.  We went to sleep early for Black Friday Blowouts despite Rebecca’s experience last year.  I guess she’s glutton for punishment.  Despite Black Friday usually being a scam here in […]

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