The Anti-Claus Cometh

I was heading home from the office when I got an emergency call on my CB radio, which all Mystic employees have in their personal cars.  We at Mystic Investigations are on call 24-7 because supernatural evil never sleeps.  A frantic woman reported a gnome in her cellar.  She had called 911 first but the police laughed at her, and told her not to call again or she’d be in deep trouble.   I was thinking that maybe it was a scared Elf since this is the time of year for Santa’s Enchanted Elves to roam about spreading good cheer in the spirit of Christmas.  It’s unusual for gnomes to be active in December.  I was the closest one to her house so I answered the call.  I pulled up to Mrs.Jenkins residence at about 6:00 PM, and she ran out of the house screaming “Gnome!  Gnome!”  I got out of my car, and tried to calm the woman down but she was quite hysterical.  The Gnome apparently bolted up the steps, and entered her kitchen.  I finally got her to sit on the porch as I entered the house.

I shined my flashlight about into every dark corner as I flipped every light on I could since Gnomes loath bright light.  Gnomes are ferocious little 2 foot tall creatures who thrive off of eating children which energizes them, and extends their lives by 13 years.  They use magical means to render the kids unconscious thanks to their mystical pointy red hats.  This is needed since so many kids are bigger than them. Unfortunately they are one of the few evil supernatural beings that are not poisoned by the innocence of children.  Since Christmas revolves around this innocence, and focuses good magic, it’s very unusual for a Gnome to be anywhere except in hiding.  Especially with Santa’s Elves out in full force.  A Gnome would be no match for an Enchanted Elf.  Also a Gnome can’t enter a home due to global curse similar to the one keeping vampires out of private residences.  Although they can get inside if they hide in a bag or a box that gets taken indoors.

All the sudden I hear a screeching maniacal laugh come from behind me as I spin around, and see a red hat whiz past me.  I now knew it was indeed a Gnome, and ran into the living room after it.  They move ultra fast, and he had already disappeared even though I entered two seconds after him.  I cautiously surveyed the room, and began looking under, and behind all the furniture.  I was careful to make sure he didn’t get past me and out of the room.  I couldn’t seem to find him until I looked up at the ceiling fan, and his hellish snarling tiny face plummeted down toward mine as he let out an insane chuckle.

I caught him before he landed on me but he squirmed around like crazy, and was attempting to bite me while he growled madly. Although it sounded like a deranged poodle.  I finally flung him against a wall, and pulled out my holy water squirt gun blessed by Father Tom Davis.  I shot it at the little monstrous menace, and he screamed in agony as plumes of smoke rose from his body. He then shot toward me, and threw some sort of sparkling dust in my face which blinded me.  I then felt an excruciatingly painful bite on my leg, and I fell to the ground.

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The menacing midget climbed on my chest, and looked down at me with utter hatred as he muttered,”You better be bad, and never swell.  Or the Anti-Claus will take you straight to hell!”  He started up his snide deranged high pitched laughter so I clocked him in the jaw knocking him out cold.  I unfolded a heavy duty bag from my coat pocket which was enchanted by our resident witch Rebecca Abernathy.  I put the little bastard inside, and carried him out the door.  I told Mrs.Jenkins that the house was clean, and informed her to place blessed lawn or garden Gnome statues around her house as deterrents.  I also told her to search bags, or boxes she brings into the house so nothing’s hiding inside.

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I threw the bag in the trunk, and pulled away as I contemplated how this Gnome apparently was an agent of the Anti-Claus, Santa’s evil twin demonic brother.  It was known that the Dark Claus indeed did employ Gnomes as his Elves.  I called Rebecca on my cell phone to tell her I was bitten so she could whip up a magical remedy.  She then called our Cryptozoologist Ashley Abercrombie, and they were both heading down to the Mystic Investigation offices.   I began feeling a bit woozy as I drove down Forest View Lane toward the office when a beautiful woman with long raven hair wearing a black robe, and a pointy black witches hat suddenly appeared in the center of the road in front of me.  She shot lightening bolts out her hands causing my left front tire to blow out.  I swerved out of control into a ditch, and my air bag deployed.  I open the door quickly, and sprang out in the dark woods dimly lit by a street lamp.

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She was walking toward me with a look of evil determination on her rather attractive face.  She then yelled,”You have my Gnome mortal!”  I then said,”Seriously a black pointy hat 2011?  1888 telegraphed, and they want their hat back!”  We both laughed simultaneously, and then she shot some electrical bolts from her hands toward me but I leaped behind the car.  I popped up on the other side, and shot her with the holy water gun.  It caused smoke to rise from her but it didn’t really hurt her as she said,”Seriously holy water?”  I then replied,”I was trying to be nice but maybe you’ll like this better bitch!”  I then pulled out my real gun, and shot several rounds of silver bullets at her but she waved her hand with each shot and it was deflected.  I then tossed the gun, and round house kicked her in the face but she shook it off, and chuckled in a sadistic manner.  She then round house kicked me, and I went flying against the back window of my car causing it to shatter.

I quickly slid off, and continued to dodge her magical attacks as I ran into the dark woods.  She chose not to pursue me, and instead opened my car trunk without a key, and took out the bag with the Gnome in it. However it’s magical protective properties literally shocked her, and she abruptly dropped it to the ground.  Then she screamed into the woods,”Get the hell over here, and open this bag or you’re done for you bastard!”  I called Rebecca but the line was busy so I instead called up Drake Alexander, our resident vampire, for help.  He lives nearby at his manor in the Mystical Forest, and the minute I told him what was going on he said he was already halfway there thanks to his super speed sprinting.

The wicked witch walked into the woods screaming for me as she shot random electrokinetic bolts causing trees, and brush to light on fire.  I pulled out a small herbal satchel Rebecca had given me.  It contained Sempervivum, and Cicerbita Sow Thistle which are known herbal witch repellents.  I then skulked about the woods making my way near her.  I jumped out from behind some bushes and threw the bag of herbs at her.  An explosive burst of neon blue light blew from her as she was thrown at least 20 feet against a tree where she lied slumped against it.  I was blown back into the bushes but got up quickly, and walked toward her.

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She actually looked rather peaceful, and even a bit silly lying there with her dark cone hat crooked.  That was until she sprang up at light speed without warning, and grabbed me by the neck with a look of deep malice in her hazel eyes which now glowed green as the blazing fires roared around us.  She angrily exclaimed,”Your little herbs are no match for the power I wield thanks to my Dark Lord, The Anti-Claus, and my fellow sisters of darkness in the Claus Coven.”  She confirmed she was a member of the infamous Anti-Claus Coven, and then I knew I was in deep doody.  The Anti-Claus coven is one of the most powerful groups of witches on Earth.

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I was choking from lack of air under her magically induced strength when a hand pulled hers from my neck.  It was Drake Alexander growling like a lion with fangs exposed, and eyes glowing red with anger.  She then laughed,”A vampire!  Things just got fun!”  He then struggled with her as electrical sparks shot from her hands making contact with Drake.  However it didn’t effect him since vampires can’t be electrocuted.  He then bit into her neck, and drank of her magical blood causing her to scream in terror.  She quickly kneed him in the balls, and threw him 20 feet into a tree causing it split in half as she yelled,”Timber!”

I came up behind her, and got her in a choke hold as I held another herbal satchel over her mouth, and nose.  She was gagging, screaming, and staggering about the woods wildly as I held on tight riding her about like a pack mule.  Her strength was amazing considering she was only about 5’7″, and rather petite.  It must have looked odd for such a small woman to be lugging around a 6′ 2″ man weighing 215 pounds. She then began gripping my hand with extreme painful pressure causing me to loose my grip, and fall to the ground.  I look over and see Drake standing there as he yells,”Hey witch here’s a taste of your own medicine!”  She looks over at him, and says,”What the…..”  Drake immediately shoots electrokinetic bolts from his hands causing the witch to cut through a tree while he bellows,”Timber!”

I had forgotten that vampires can temporarily obtain a witches power by drinking their blood.  Drake seemed to be enjoyed it as he smiled with glee, and whizzed past me in a blur toward the witch.  Instead of grabbing her he pointed his hand at her, and she began levitating off the ground.  I walked up behind him, and informed him that she’s working for the Anti-Claus.  Drake then demanded to know what nefarious plot the Dark Santa had in store for humankind, and what role our fair community of Woodland Springs played in their plans.  She refused to talk until Drake lowered her in front of him, and he began using his vampire hypnosis on her.  She fought it but eventually she was open to suggestion.

Drake asked her what she knew, and she began talking.  However a hoard of at least 50 Gnomes suddenly scurried from the woods screeching forth their sinister laugh of evil.  We were surrounded by 2 foot tall micro monsters wearing tall pointy red hats as the wicked witch broke free of Drake’s trance and screeched,”Tear them limb from limb my little pretties!”  Drake punched her in the face, and she appeared to be knocked out as he began attacking the Gnome herd.  They launched themselves into the air, and were hanging all over Drake as he shot lightening bolts from his hand shocking several of them.  I began punching, and kicking all the ones who came at me.  Unfortunately every other one managed to bite me as I became more, and more dizzy from their poison.  The Gnomes attacking Drake weren’t biting him because a vampires blood is deadly to them.  While we waged war in the woods a dark figure emerged from the forested shadows on the other side of the road, and walked to my automobile trunk.  The white bearded man in black took the bag with the gnome in it, and stared at me with sinister glowing sanguine eyes before disappearing back into the woods.  Could it be the Anti-Claus?

By Xavier Remington

To Be Continued…


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