Ding Dong Ditch Gone Wrong

Rebecca and I decided to stay in Thursday night since things have been quiet in the paranormal arena.  The calm before the Halloween storm. Finally, a full nights sleep rather than being out all night fighting and capturing vampires, werewolves, zombies, chupacabra, dark witches, gnomes, and everything else that goes bump in the night!  I checked all the doors and set the alarm system before retiring to bed.  All was quiet at Remington Manor as I fell into a sweet slumber with the subtle sound of crickets outside the window.  I did miss the frogs croaking which is one of the signs that autumn is nearly upon us. We were both off in the dream plane as I dreamed of racing my totally awesome Lamborghini around the sunny tree-lined roadways of Woodland Springs, Colorado.  The idiot Police Chief Spencer Cantrell chased me with sirens blasting, and lights glaring as I laughed with glee.  I accelerated to 150 mph and jumped a river while screaming,”Yeeeeeehawww!” Cantrell’s squad car hit the water, and I chuckled heavily. As I sped away I could hear him yelling,”This isn’t over Remington!”

I sped down a winding road deep into the Mystical Forest, and it was suddenly nighttime.  The foreboding darkness gave way to flames shooting up in the woods around my car.  A puff of red smoke appeared in the middle of the road as King Of Hell Dimitri Diablo appeared.  His echoing voice exclaimed,”They’re coming for you Xavier!  They’re coming for you all!”  Then from the flames, the Earthbound Devil appeared, and roared,”Hell will be mine again Dimitri you silly human fool!”  At that point, there was loud pounding, and chimes bellowing everywhere as trees fell on both entities of evil.  I woke up in a cold sweat hearing crazy pounding from the front door along with the doorbell ringing multiple times.  Rebecca was awakened abruptly as well and loudly exclaimed,”What the hell!”  She had been dreaming of swimming in the seas in Mermaid form amid anthropomorphic animals while the song “Under The Sea” played in the background.

Rebecca shut the alarm off, and I opened the front door to find nobody there. I snapped all the exterior lights on, including the spotlighting about the front yard, and walked around a bit but saw nobody. It was interesting I didn’t hear one cricket anywhere.  We went back to bed but no sooner than we put the covers back on did the knocking, and doorbell ringing happen again.  This time Rebecca dove right out the second-floor window landing on her bare feet. Not a big deal for a Demi-Mermaid such as herself.  She ran to the front yard while also leaped out the window using a ninja style tuck, and roll out the window. We got to the front just in time to see at least three people dive into the bushes while laughing.  I then yelled,”Wow ding dong ditch huh?  I guess you guys don’t have any chicks lined up for tonight.  I’m embarrassed for you.  For your sake, I hope to hell you don’t try that again!”  Rebecca then chimed in,”Yeah what girl would want to go out with losers who knock on doors only to run away like scared little bitches.”  We both snickered snidely before walking away.

We walked back to the side yard under the bedroom window since the doors were locked but I had no way to get back up.  However, Rebecca was able to super jump to the second-floor balcony.  So she picked me up in her arms, and we ended back up in the bedroom  Hopefully nobody saw that. 🙂  Once inside we immediately ran to the panic room which contained our surveillance system.  We watched the monitor as three teenage punks ran back to the front door to go for another harassing slam and ring volley.  This time, however, they didn’t get the opportunity to run away because a trap door opened beneath the front porch, and they fell in screaming like babies.  Their hilarious cries could be heard all the way down the slide into a cage in Rebecca’s Witches Lair in the basement.

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Rebecca, and I immediately opened a secret passage in the wall, and slid down a pole into her Wicca inner sanctum.  Rebecca then gloated,”We warned you!”  I then said,”Yeah jackasses you had your fun and could have just left but no you had to prove how tough you were!”  The largest teen who looked about 17 snapped out of his fright a bit, and demanded,”You better let us the hell out of here, or we’re calling the cops!” I then replied,”Call them!”  He took out his cell phone but there was no service within this fortified subterranean lair.  Rebecca then picked up a magic wand, and clanged it against the cage bars causing small sparks to fly off while asking,”Why whatever should we do with them, Xavier?  Boil them with bats wings, and eyes of newts? Or maybe I could turn them into rats?”  I then said,”What about that chainsaw I got for Christmas? I haven’t had a chance to use it yet.”  Rebecca then replied,”Perfect!  I didn’t know how I was going to fit them in my cauldron anyway.”

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Suddenly they were apologizing like crazy amid blubbering.  Even the 17 year old was changing his tune.  I then said,”Do you all promise to never do this to anyone again?”  They all excitedly pledged they would never ding dong ditch again.  Rebecca mixed up a potion and poured it into three small vials.  She then handed the bubbling blue liquid to each one and told them to drink it.  They refused at first until I yelled,”Drink it or die now!”  They gulped it down as I winked at Rebecca, and both of us smiled.  All three boys passed out, and we carried all of them to the small elevator that opened from a secret passage upstairs.  We placed them in a wheel barrel and rolled them into the Enchanted Woodland next to our house.  Once laid upon the ground Rebecca sprinkled some iridescent dust on them and recited an incantation,”Mnemosyne I call unto thee to sweep away all memory of this day within the trio at play mind now like clay. Obliviscatur!”  A flash of green light rippled over the three teens while we hid behind some bushes.  They awoke in a daze puzzled about what happened.  They had no clue where they were, and how they got there.

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They walked out of the woods down the road from Remington Manor and stumbled home in the dark.  Sub-consciously they should remember what happened, and never attempt the ding dong ditch again.  Let this be a lesson to anyone hoping to prank someone in this fashion.  You never know what deranged person you could be dealing with!  Or in our case only pretending to be deranged. LOL! 🙂

Rebecca and I went back to bed as the chorus of crickets resumed.  Fast asleep again I was dreaming of Santa Claus’s North Pole Village dreaming of eating my favorite eggnog ice cream specially made by Mrs.Claus.  I was eating it at the table in her kitchen as she stood by the stove smiling warmly.  Gerbert the Elf ran across the kitchen screaming,”eeeeeeeeee!” with peppermint ice cream on his face while three other Elves chased him.  Santa Claus strolled in laughing playfully when all the sudden a black coal dagger skewered him from behind.  He fell to the ground gripping his chest as the Anti-Claus stood in the doorway.  Mrs.Claus screamed in terror while the Dark Claus exclaimed,”The Devil’s back in Hell, and I’m back to take over Christmas bitches!”  He cackled maniacally as a pounding, and chiming sound bellowed about.  I woke up in a cold sweat again, and yes it was the front door.  Rebecca was like,”Are you serious!?!”  She had been dreaming of trick o treating with Shala The Halloween Queen in her hidden perpetual autumn village full of happy ghostly children. She then said the Anti-Claus, and Devil appeared declaring,”Halloween is finally ours again! Slender as a reward for your hard work I share these children’s souls with you!”  Slenderman comes walking into the scene with tentacles whipping toward Rebecca who woke up at that point.

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Now awakened in the Witching Hour from our nightmares we ran downstairs and expected to find nobody at the door again. It was some middle-aged drunk holding a bottle of booze in a paper bag and a plastic Jack-O-Lantern bucket. He snidely,”Hey Richie Rich trick o treat smell my feet give me some damn food cause I’m hungry!” He started giggling like a loon and Rebecca just straight up punched him in the face. He fell down the porch steps and we slammed the door shut without a word. I looked out the window and he staggered away down the road.

We couldn’t get back to sleep so we watched some movies on Netflix for a few hours until we dozed off on the couch. Would you believe minutes later in the Devil’s Hour our front door was being pounded again! We both ran to the door and Rebecca screamed,” I swear whoever is at the door is going to be turned into a rat!” I opened the door and it was two guys dressed in suits. I said,”What the frick do you pukes want?” One said,”Clearly you’re in need of the guidance Jehovah can provide! Let me leave a Watchtower with you so you can learn the righteous ways of the Jehovah’s Witnesses” Rebecca yelled,”Are you freaking serious? It’s three in the morning!” The other guy replied,”Ma’am it’s never too early to heed the call to serve the holy Lord!” She replied,”I serve Mother Nature you sons of bitches! It’s rat time!” I activated the trap door switch next to the door and down they went screaming. One bellowed,”Save me Jehovah!” We both started laughing. I asked her if this Hebrew God Jehovah was even real and she said,”Yeah he came into existence when enough Jehovah’s Witnesses believed in him. He’s a Tulpa! The Greek God Zeus beat him up once back in the 1970’s!”

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Rebecca was too tired to turn the Witnesses into rats so we just let them sit in the cage until 6 AM after we had a few hours of sleep without incident. We released them in the woods and Rebecca placed a spell upon them to forget us. Perhaps in the future, we won’t stay home and just continue to the nocturnal hunt for supernatural darkness!

Halloween is coming soon!  Time to get your costumes, decorations, and awesome animatronics!

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