Werewolf Warfare


Many of us at Mystic Investigations took half the day off to sleep so we could be out tonight ready to engage werewolves if they should spring forth upon us in a ferocious feeding frenzy!  If you’ve checked out our Paranormal Activity Forecast Blog then you know that there is a werewolf watch in effect due to the full moon and the fact that it’s the 13 days of Halloween.  A time when usually supernatural activity increases by at least two fold.  A werewolf watch means that conditions are favorable for the appearance of werewolves.  As with any contact werewolves have with humans it can be quite dangerous as they are carnivorous and have a craving for human meat.  If we had issued a Werewolf Warning then that would mean a werewolf had actually been spotted in the general vicinity and we’d advise taking cover indoors.

Generally, a werewolf won’t burst into your home unless provoked so you should be safe inside.  If you live near a forested area I’d recommend closing the blinds, curtains, shades, and turning the lights off.  Just grab your silver bullet loaded gun and go to sleep with it.  Or if firearms aren’t your thing then a squirt gun loaded with holy water mixed with wolfsbane, and colloidal silver will repel but not kill a Werewolf.  Wearing silver will help as well along with having a silver dagger on your night stand. Hanging silver ornaments, and wolfsbane by windows and doors should work as a repellent for the hairy hell hounds of the night.  The only guaranteed protection for your home is to hire a professional witch to put a protection spell on it.  Our resident witch Rebecca Abernathy could definitely help you out with that if it’s something that keeps you awake at night.

If you spot a werewolf I’d seriously advise standing still and not making eye contact.  If you run it will chase you and it will catch you because they run at a minimum of 66 mph.  Their strength is comparable with two large polar bear and their razor sharp teeth will tear you a new one.  Even if you survive, the Lycanthropy virus laden saliva entering the wound will re-sequence your DNA and turn you into a werewolf during the next full moon.  If you’re not into guns then I suggest carrying a silver dagger or letter opener with you at all times when venturing out on full moon nights.  As always wearing something silver like a holy cross along with a sprig of Wolfsbane will go a long way into ensuring your nocturnal survival.  Please be aware that the moon only needs to be 80% full for an infected human to transform into a werewolf.

Right now I’m writing this on my laptop in the Mystic Investigations RV as I peer out the windows into Woodland Springs infamous Mystical Forest which is always teeming with paranormal activity.  Since there’s a neighborhood of many homes here we feel this is a place a werewolf might venture as he or she tracks the scent of human flesh.  Also a Werewolf could be transforming in a home as we speak.  Their instinct is to then run for the forest and hunt any prey that catches their eye.  Unfortunately, a human usually catches their yellow glowing eyes before they reach the forest.  WOW!  I just heard a loud howl that sounded Lycanthropic in nature as opposed to a simple wolf.  The other members of our werewolf hunting party agree with me as our hearts pump with excitement and anticipation at the danger of dealing with one of paranormal natures most ferocious beasts.

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Here with me is our resident witch Rebecca Abernathy and Receptionist Carrie Benjamin ready to man the communications system if me and Rebecca have to leave. The RV is our Mobile Werewolf Command Center.  Patrolling about the town is the two person team of Supernatural Technologist and bionic boy wonder Zachariah Powers and Ex-Navy Seal Hunter Jackson our resident soldier.  Another team consists of Psychic Julia Hathaway(also has telekinesis) and Ghost Buster Robert Edmunds.  The third team includes Vampire Drake Alexander and Cryptozoologist Ashley AbercrombieFather Tom Davis is keeping a lookout from the Holy Church Of Light bell tower.

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We just heard another howl again coming from Evergreens in the distance. This time much louder.  Oh crap!  Blood curdling scream!  Okay we’re leaving now.  Carrie will be in command.  We just called in our nearest team to back us up.  Drake & Ashley.  As Rebecca and I run through the dark shadows of the moonlit forest we hear the werewolf growling nearby as a woman screams for help.  We get to her and she’s in tears and tells us a werewolf just dragged her husband into the bushes over there.  The bushes shake wildly as growls can be heard.  We hear nothing from the man and assume the worst.  Instead of shooting silver bullets into the bush Rebecca utilizes witchcraft to shoot a few purple electrical lightning bursts into the thick brush.  The woman looks on in disbelief as the angry snarling werewolf springs out of the foliage like a blur at top speed from a side angle surprising Rebecca.  I lift my rifle and shoot off two rounds of silver bullets into it’s chest and it collapses two feet from us.  Rebecca immediately runs into the bushes with a flashlight and finds the man bleeding profusely but still alive.  “Call 911!” She screams.

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I called 911 but I knew they’d never get to the forest in time.  Drake and Ashley showed up just then.   The woman knelt beside her husband as he choked on his blood and passed out.  She begged for someone to save him and Drake knelt beside the man and cut his wrist with a Swiss Army Knife.  He then allowed his blood to flow into the mans mouth.  The woman then said,”OMG what the hell are you doing!”  We had to hold her back because she had no idea that Drake was a vampire and his ingested blood would cause some healing and stabilize the man temporarily.  Drakes cut healed within 30 seconds and he picked the man up and ran him to the hospital. Since vampires can run faster than a cheetah, which is a minimum of 84 mph, so he should get there within minutes.  Rebecca recited an incantation and the werewolf corpse disintegrated.  Had we left it there it would have reverted to human form at dawn and then the local police would be performing a murder investigation on the corpse.  This is just one of the many hazards of werewolf hunting since they are in essence still human by day.

We took the woman back to the RV and explained to her that she just stumbled into the world of the supernatural.  Now her life will never be the same again.  After several minutes of her being hysterical, she finally calmed down and accepted her new reality.  Of course, Rebecca had to slap her a few times but she forgave us.  We decided to drive her to the hospital to be with her husband and along the way Father Tom called to inform us he had spotted a werewolf lurking near the local Pizza Hut digging through the dumpster for meat scraps most likely.  We immediately raced up and spotted the hairy beast.  Our headlights startled him as he glared at us intensely and let out a hellish growl.  We hopped out as the woman started crying,”What the hell is going on here!?!  Why is this happening?!?  This is madness!”  I guess maybe our little talk didn’t calm her down after all.

The werewolf immediately ran toward us until I started shooting him with a specially designed high powered squirt gun loaded with a mix of Father Tom’s patented Holy Water, Wolfsbane, and traces of silver.  The liquid concoction pelted his unholy fur causing white smoky vapors to rise forth as he howled in pain.  The Lycanthrope then he turned tail and headed down the alley behind the Pizza Hut at super speed.  Me and Rebecca chased him to the end of the alley and then he leaped two stories on to the roof of the local Jewelers to avoid the loud bright traffic on Main Street.  I began digging in my backpack for a grappling hook gun but Rebecca grabbed me and yelled,”Mystic Sphere!”  The pink sphere of magical energy enveloped us and then she exclaimed,”consurgo navi!”  We floated slowly to the roof.  Once there we began running and jumping from roof top to roof top as we saw the silhouette of the werewolf against the full moon ahead of us.  From the corner of my eye I noticed movement and it was Hunter Jackson with his machine gun drawn.  The werewolf veered off toward him and then Hunter let off several rounds into the hairy horror.  We walked up and he said,”This bastard is toast!”

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All three of us floated off the roof in the Mystic Sphere as Zack Powers came running up.  All the sudden a gang of 5 punks comes up behind us with guns drawn.  One of them says,”Give us your money!”  Hunter turns around to reveal his machine gun and says,”Are you fools crazy or something!”  They were startled by his giant military grade gun but refused to lay down their weapons.  Rebecca then yells,”mico desumo!” and pink electrical energy comes from her hands and knocks all the foolish punks out.  I then say,”Wow what a bunch of morons! Lets tie them up and place an anonymous call to the police.”  We did that and jogged back to the RV.  The pizza smelled so good at Pizza Hut so we stopped in and ordered a large hand tossed sausage, and pepperoni with bread sticks to take with us in the RV.  As always top notch service, and the best damn pizza in the business.  And no they aren’t paying us to say that.  It’s just damn true! Back in the Mystic RV we found the woman cowering in a corner and we took her to the hospital to be with her werewolf bitten husband.

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We had forgotten about Ashley and wondered where she was.  We had assumed she was right behind me and Rebecca.  While at the hospital we tried to contact her but she wasn’t picking up on the walkie talkie nor on her cell phone.  Drake walked up from the morgue and was concerned.  I then asked,”What were you doing in the morgue Drake?”  He then replies,”It’s a shame to see good blood go to waste.”  I had thought the husband died but it was just good old Drake tanking up on blood so he could have maximum strength for the Werewolf battles to come.  Drake then ran off on the trail of Ashley’s scent with his super smelling and we sped off in the RV after getting a call from Rob Edmunds and Julia Hathaway that they were trapped in a haunted house with two werewolves fighting to get in.

Meanwhile Drake was nearing Ashley who was being held hostage by a gang of young vampires held up in a back alley underground apartment downtown. They were sadistically discussing who would partake of her blood first.  Two held her down as she looked up at them without any fear on her face.  One then asked,’Why aren’t you screaming?”  She then replied,”Doesn’t that get kind of old?”  He then said,”No I love it when they scream.”  Everyone started laughing as Ashley exclaimed,”Enjoy my blood!”  He then bit into her neck and drank of her blood.  Within seconds he pulled away with a look of terror on his face as he falls to floor holding his stomach in agony.  The vampire screamed,”Zombie blood!”  Ashley is in fact a rare unheard of half-zombie, and zombie blood is poison to vampires.  Ashley begins laughing as all the vampires look on in shock not comprehending how a perfectly normal human could have zombie blood coursing through her veins.

A female vampire then grabs a sword, and bellows,”You won’t be laughing when your head’s rolling across the room!”  Just then Drake kicks the door in and four of the vampires simultaneously pounce on him.  His superior strength, due to being over 700 years old, along with his centuries of martial arts skills made the kicking of their asses easy.  One by one he staked them in the heart with his trusty silver dagger and they burst into flames with nothing left behind but ashes and smoke.  The female vampire with the sword begins swinging it at him while Ashley stakes the vampire who drank her blood.  Drake grabs the sword blade on one of the swings to the lady vampires shock.  He then breaks the sword in half, and swats the vampire across the room.  She slams into the wall, and Ashley stakes her into oblivion.  Drake and Ashley immediately run out of the apartment and head for the haunted house.

The abandoned haunted house located near the industrial park was full of turmoil as objects flung about wildly while shrill screams, and foul sulphuric smells swirled about.  All while the two werewolves pounded and clawed outside the walls of the house.  Rob and Julia hunkered down and they waited for reinforcements to arrive.  The home seemed to be infested with multiple poltergeists who refused to communicate with our resident psychic Julia who also used her telekinesis to deflect debris flying about.  Robs ghost hunting equipment had been destroyed after being smashed against the wall and there wasn’t much he could do except train his silver bullet loaded gun at the nearest boarded up window.

We pull up in the Mystic RV and I ram right into one of the werewolves.  Hunter leaps out ready to put the hairy horror down but I stop him and launch a Werewolf grenade at him instead.  This is a new invention created by myself, Ashley, And Zack.  It blasts forth a potent dose of special Papal blessed holy water, Wolfsbane from Transylvania, and special silver crystals.  It’s a prototype, and extremely expensive to make but I decided this was the perfect opportunity to test it out.  The paranormal bomb blasted against the Werewolf’s hairy chest, and unholy smoke rose from his body, and he writhed on the ground in pain.  We then shoot the super wolf with multiple Werewolf Tranqs causing it to knock out.

The second werewolf had broken into the house at the moment I threw the grenade causing the poltergeists to become further antagonized.  The entire house glows and shakes in a menacing manner as Rebecca blasts open the barricaded front door with her Wicca powers.  The blood thirsty monster lunges at Rob, and Julia so Rob shoots the werewolf at the same time Hunter shoots it.  It’s down for the count but the house is collapsing around us so we all sprint out.  We seek cover behind the RV as an explosive blinding supernatural light bursts forth.  The house explodes into a million pieces of wood.  Once the light subsides there’s nothing left but a pile of smoking rubble.  Drake runs out of the woods nearby with Ashley in his arms while we drag the Werewolf hit by the grenade into the RV inside a silver plated cage.  Then we all drive down the dark road through the industrial park.

Fine pizza is enjoyed as we remain on alert for more trouble.  I was enjoying a piece in one hand while I drove the RV with the other when all the sudden I was forced to slam on the brakes because a Unicorn bolted across the road.  Everyone spilled their food and drinks.  Drake then yelled,”Awww come on man!  This leather jacket is 83 years old!”  Zack had apparently spilled Mountain Dew all over it.  Then a loud howl could be heard and a furry figure whizzed past my headlights.  I then exclaimed,”If that werewolf ingests Unicorn blood it will be invincible and immortal!”  We all hopped out and ran after it.  Drake raced past all of us at about 80 mph or so.

We could hear growling and snarling behind the cheese factory.  It was Drake and the werewolf grappling with each other.  In the distance I could see the Unicorn staring at the spectacle.  His majestic white coat virtually glowing in the moon light as faint trail of iridescent sparkles could be seen leading up to him.  Since Drake saved it there would be a point in the future when the Unicorn would return to grant one wish.  The werewolf inflicted many wounds on Drake as the epic battle waged but he kept healing within seconds.  We attempted to aim our guns at the werewolf but we didn’t want to hit Drake.  Despite being bitten multiple times, Drake was in no danger of becoming a werewolf as most members of the supernatural community tend to be immune to the viruses that transform DNA.  Finally Drake kicked the hellish hound away from him and I threw a silver Chinese throwing star at it in mid air.  It wasn’t enough to kill it but it collapsed on the ground, and lie motionless.  Drake pulled the star out, and punched the wolf in the face super hard.  He then picked the huge Werewolf up to haul him into the silver lined cage where the other Werewolf was sleeping.

It had been quite a hellish night as we drove across town around Midnight.  While waiting at a red light on the deserted streets we heard a woman scream,”Sweet Mother of God!”  We gunned it through the intersection and into the parking lot of a car dealership where a woman stood on top of a car as a small figure wearing a pointy red hat kept grabbing at her.  The headlights startled the little fella which was a gnome.  Drake immediately ran after it seeing another opportunity to collect the rare gnome blood which allowed vampires to go out in the sun for limited periods of time.  It’s highly unusual for Gnomes to be out at night and out of the woods for that matter but this has been a bad Gnome season.  The woman asked what the hell that thing was and we took the easy way out informing her it was a drunken midget who just came from a Halloween costume party.

Drake returned disappointed that the little bastard got away.  We only hope it doesn’t run into any kids since they will eat them to prolong their short lives.  We decided to stop in at Tawny’s Old Town Tavern to belt back a few after surviving a night of Werewolf warfare.  Luckily it was a few hours before closing.  After that we headed back to Mystic Investigations headquarters at about 1:15 AM to deposit the two Werewolves into cages on our secret sub-level.  There were no reports of anymore Werewolves, and we called Father Tom to go ahead, and call it a night.  He decided to come over, and join us as we waited for dawn to approach.  Most of us slept on the various couches around the office.

At first light the ladies began preparing breakfast in the fully stocked kitchen as the guys watched the big screen television in the board room.  Zack Powers clearly wouldn’t be going to high school this morning after being up all night but he was a genius so it wasn’t that big a deal.  Some minutes later some of us went to the cages downstairs to find the Werewolves now in human form.  They had found the clothing we left in the cages, and they were fully dressed, and seriously agitated, and scared.  It was a man, and a woman.  The woman was aware of her condition but had some how escaped her chains.  The man on the other hand thought he was being kidnapped, and we had to show him the video from the cage cam to convince him he was in fact a Werewolf.  After speaking with him for several minutes we retired to the board room for a hearty pancake breakfast.  The man, and woman scarfed down almost three times the amount of food even a huge man would eat.  The unrelated couple thanked us for sparing their lives, and requested free asylum at Mystic Investigations during full moon nights.  A pro-bono service we offer in order to help protect our beautiful supernatural community of Woodland Springs, Colorado.  Until the next full moon I, Xavier Remington, bid you farewell!

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[…] sighting being reported yesterday.  We here at Mystic Investigations bagged quite a few of these hairy horrors.  Already tonight we have had more reports coming in to our call center along with our official […]


[…] life saving tale!” Drake doesn’t like to brag but he reluctantly replied,”Well in October of 2010 I saved a Unicorn from a Werewolf attack in Woodland Springs.” McTavish then replied,”You magnificent […]

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