Jason Voorhees Resurrected On Friday The 13th!

The Dark Story Of The Jason Voorhees Cult
Jason Friday The 13th VoorheesHe’s Back! We finally received confirmation that our Jason Voorhees Resurrection Warnings unfortunately came true on Friday November 13th, 2015. The venomous Voorhees Cult has been marshaling metaphysical energies over the course of two years from Friday The 13th’s(Three from 2015 alone), Tetrad Blood Moons, the 2015 Halloween Blood Moon, Halloween itself, and All Souls Day Of The Dead.  The Chieftain’s of the Voorhees Cult are devilish dark warlocks, and witches who see Friday The 13th as their central holiday of reverence.  In essence their equivalent of Christmas.  They believe Jason Voorhees is their God even if he is a former human, stupefied spirit, and sometimes a physical form zombified demi-demon.  A physically malformed & mentally deficient human child who was darkly cleansed of his humanity in the unholy waters of Crystal Lake when he drowned on that fateful Friday The 13th decades ago. Of course in their eyes Jason is holy, and righteous. They hope to give Jason the gift of a permanent immortal, and indestructible non-zombie body someday so he can go about his wayward work of cleansing the Earth.  Much more than axing sexed up teens at Summer Camps near Lakes.  The eradication of humans everywhere who don’t share the dark vision of the Voorhees Cult.  Of course since all members of the cult take a vow of celibacy due to deeming sex to be a vile act. This is because it can spawn further unwanted human procreation Therefore they support Jason going after those highly hormonal teens, and their unwanted pregnancies.

The Voorhees Cult believes the birth of Jason was destiny, and it’s up to them to aid his ascension to a diabolical deity status.  They consider
Jason’s supernatural state to be the equivalent of the Christ child, or probably more exactly the Anti-Christ child!  However it’s their opinion that opposing forces are keeping Jason from rising to his fully Godly glory. Namely the people who end up slaying him back to spirit status.  They also blame Jason’s Father Elias Voorhees for beating Jason’s Mother, Pamela Voorhees, during her pregnancy with Jason along with causing her to turn to the bottle for solace.  The booze, and beatings, while Jason was still in womb, is what caused his sorry physical, and mental state thereby deeply dulling the Voorhees Cult’s glorious future God.

The crazed Cult even blames the Devil, and most demons in general for not fully supporting Jason, and aiding in his resurrection. I guess they don’t see the potential in Jason that the cult does.  Of course the Voorheesian’s, as they refer to themselves, do acknowledge the rogue demon who originally powered Jason’s first resurrection. Unfortunately for them that demon was ultra-exorcised into oblivion, and effectively blinked out of existence for all eternity by a group of supernatural warriors known as The Ten Gallon Hat Metanatural’s. Without this unknown demon Jason only had the Voorhees Cult to attempt resurrecting him. Only on Friday, November 13th, 2015 did they finally succeed in their sinister task!

The following is an eyewitness report from a brave soul who had been camping in the area, and happened upon a highly horrific sight! Various other insights were provided by top flight psychics, seers, and mystics. At an undisclosed lake hidden among the multitude of lakes in Northeast Minnesota, well Crystal Lakenorth of Duluth, Jason Voorhees was re-born into this world once again!  The Voorhees Cult lined the shores of the small lake within their sacred forest. Within the murky waters, and before each one, were enchanted emerald crystals of dark luck. They were acquired from a cooperative Clurichaun (Dark Leprechaun) sympathetic to the Voorheesian cause. The calamitous crystals have been further conditioned by the cult to especially focus the power of Jason, and Friday The 13th, along with other damned diabolical forces!  These Friday The 13th Dark Luck Crystals turned the body of water into the true Crystal Lake, and it became a metaphysical magnet for the poltergeist spirit of Jason Voorhees.

In order to utilize the maximum energies of Friday The 13th the resurrection ritual was planned for 11:13 PM on Thursday the 12th with the target of rising Jason from the dead at the Midnight Witching Hour. In the darkness of the woods under the cold dark skies the lake glowed an eerie green while cult members clad in black robes held hands on the shores.  In the center was a large floating raft altar to Jason with a squirming man gagged,and tied to it.  Most likely he was born on Friday The 13th. He was surrounded by crystals with High Priests wearing red robes on the raft around him, and cult members in the water around the raft as well.  Various other worldly chants, and incantations took place for several minutes until 11:13 approached, and the unidentified hostage on the raft was sacrificed via a large machete to the heart Jason style.  The heart was removed, and eaten by the Priests as the skies above glowed green, and the spirit of Jason infused the now lifeless body.  The body became animated, and it arose. The bleeding hole where the heart was didn’t heal but merely turned black.  This indicated they were unsuccessful in giving their master an immortal indestructible form. He was once a gain a Zombified Demi-Demon. Probably now more precisely a Zombified Poltergeist. It was indeed the resurrection of Jason Voorhees!  Jason looked around confused at first, and became agitated but the cult members knew how to calm him as they pushed the raft ashore.  He walked among the group that surrounded him.  The all touched him, and smiled.  Some even displayed tears of joy. My God these people are some seriously sick puppies!  Jason didn’t seem to like the physical contact but he tolerated it as he was presented with his trademark hockey mask,and machete.

Jason nodded to the High Priest upon seeing the mask.  The Priest placed it over Jason’s face, and he took the machete.  The cult members then led Jason to the end of dirt road where three cars were parked. Each with steamy windows. It seems this area was a popular make-out zone for local teens. This was probably one reason for choosing that particular lake.  Jason’s eyes were almost beaming with glee through his mask as the cult presented him with the gift of six sexed up teens.  The blood burst from one car as teens ran screaming from the other two.  Cult members cackled maniacally as they split up shadowing each boy-girl duo staying out of Jason’s murderous way.  While Jason went after one couple the Voorheesian’s scared the hell out of the other couple strategically leading them back toward Jason.  The second couple ran right into the massacre of the other couple in a wooded clearing.  Jason’s machete hacked away heartily as he let out years of frustration being stuck in a metaphysical energy form.  The couple witnessed their friends being dismembered in utter horror! They screamed, and turned around to run away but the wall of multiple Jason cult members blocked their escape.  They all excitedly smirked, and began chanting,”Lord Voorhees! Kill The Sinners! Kill The Sinners!”  And Jason did just that but not before the boy bellowed,”This is insane! You can’t be real! Jason Voorhees isn’t real! Noooooooooo!”. Jason then sliced, and diced the hell out of those poor crazy kids who minutes earlier just experienced first love!  This heinous tragedy shall not go unpunished! All of us in the paranormal community vow to avenge these senseless deaths!

At this point Jason was in the midst of killing frenzy and he naturally wanted to kill some more as he lifted his sharp implement threatening the cult members.  The group immediately fell to their knees, bowed their heads, and the high priest said,”Oh Dark Master Jason it would be a privilege, and honor to be slain by thee!” Jason paused a bit, and then uncharacteristically ran his fingers through the cult leaders hair before turning away, and walking into the dark woods. Could there be a bit of humanity in Jason? Certainly he comes the closest to being human when installed in a fresh corpse but that fades very quickly! It’s unknown what happened after that. All we know is that Jason is on the loose, and several sightings have surfaced over the last week and a half!  The US Paranormal Defense Agency did eventually cover up the supernatural slayings, and have cordoned off the general area around the lake for study.

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How Did The Voorhees Cult Begin?
The Voorhees Cult itself technically came into existence on Friday, May 13, 1966.  Despite the canon of the Friday The 13th movies that is the date the real Jason Voorhees drowned in Crystal Lake as a 13 year old child rather than a nine year old.  Of course you could say everything began on March 13, 1953, the real birth date of Jason.  A gifted 14 year old hereditary Witch named Secilia was attending the Summer camp Jason was at.  In fact she was the only one who befriended him. They had something in common since her excessive weight made her an outcast with the kids at the camp. She had visions, and dreams of his future.  She knew then he was a dark Lord trapped in a pathetic human form.  She tried various rituals, and spells to help him but nothing worked. Then on that fateful Friday The 13th when Jason drowned she was in town, and returned to find out he had died.  She realized it was meant to be that he should die within, and be resurrected from the metaphysically cleansing waters of Crystal Lake.  So she attempted to do just that.

As a hereditary witch her family had collected various texts over the centuries including one of the powerful Grimoire’s known as the Book Of The Dead.  The specific text was the nefarious Necronomicon Ex Mortis!  Her family had fallen away from the dark side over the past 100 years so the dangerous Grimoire was locked away. Secilia however was born with a darkness.  It’s suspected that possibly the demon who first resurrected Jason influenced her unknowingly.  She stole away the Necronomicon Ex Mortis in the hopes of bringing Jason back to life in a supernatural form.  She failed countless times until the demon took action at the perfect paranormal power time along with using Secilia’s Book Of Dead ritual as an anchor to our physical world. On November 13, 1970 Jason was resurrected for the first time by having his spirit channeled into a freshly dead adult human corpse.  It was the body of someone born on Friday The 13th.

Secilia shadowed Jason’s movement for years helping him where she could but she was eventually driven away by the forces of magical good.  After losing a great deal of weight she became a charismatic cult leader who recruited dark minded individuals such as herself.  Fellow witches, warlocks, and also useful idiots whose main mission was to support Jason, and attempt resurrection ASAP when he was killed by what the Voorheesian’s refer to as a Sinner. Clearly their vision of reality is skewed to thinking that evil is good, and good is evil.  Oddly enough the closest thing to good in the cult are the vows of celibacy usually seen by seriously devout religious individuals.

Secilia met her end as the Voorhees Cult Leader on Friday, August 13, 1999 when The Ten Gallon Hat Metanatural’s killed Jason, and exorcised his sponsor demon.  She attempted to save Jason’s life but was taken into supernatural custody, and thrown into a private prison at a secret location deep underground.  She hasn’t been heard from since! It’s a fair bet Jason will be looking for her!

Mystic Jason News

Now that Jason Voorhees has risen to life again the Supernatural Community has placed him at Number 9 on their Most Wanted List.  The Parallel Pretender has dropped to Number 11.  Jason remains at Number 10 on the US governments most wanted paranormal list.  Our network of supernatural associates around the United States are on the look out for Jason.  If you spot Jason Voorhees do not attempt to apprehend him, or make any contact with him what so ever! Turn away, and run for your life! Then contact your nearest paranormal professionals, or practitioners of magic ASAP!  Hopefully we can get this blasphemous bastard before Summer 2016 when various lakeside Summer camps become active!  We certainly expect a major killing spree to begin on the sole Friday The 13th in 2016 in May!  Find Out When The Next Friday The 13th Is?

Happy Dark Luck Friday The 13th!


Leprechauns Decree New Saint Patrick’s Day Traditions

Leprechaun King

King Lochlann, Leader of the proud Irish Leprechaun people, has decreed new holiday protocols for March 17th Saint Patrick’s Day with the consent of the Leprechauns patron Saint the infamous Angel Patrick.  These new traditions are meant to bolster the holiday forth into the same league as Halloween, Christmas, and Easter.  Humans lend the unique power of their special collective consciousness to holidays which is a form of magic all it’s own. This is why Christmas, and Halloween are the most supernaturally powerful holidays of the year.  King Lochlann is hoping to not only inspire more people in general but also capture the hearts of children who wield the power of magical innocence so crucial to the aforementioned holidays.  Apparently a lot of drunk adults wearing green, and guzzling emerald beer isn’t doing much to aid the Leprechauns in their annual concentrated push to spread good luck around the world in the name of helping the forces of light, and right.  Of course Leprechauns are known to partake of a wee bit of booze now, and then.

The Leprechaun King has set forth new guidelines for Saint Patrick’s celebrations due to the recent first battles of Armageddon, and the general spread of evil on Earth.  In addition the Devil’s presence on Earth has strengthened the resolve of the various forces of darkness including the chief nemesis of the Leprechauns known as the Clurichauns.  Clurichauns, aka dark anti-Leprechauns, are notorious for spreading their own diabolical brand of bad luck along with stealing Leprechauns gold for the purpose of warping it into coins of dark luck.  Now more than ever the Leprechauns need human support in their quest to spread righteous luck, and continue to drive forth the general forces of good perpetuated from Christmas, and Valentines Day.  The essential need to pass the baton of light to Easter!

King Lochlann’s decree includes the following translated from his ancient Gaelic language:

  1. By all means continue drinking copious amounts of green colored alcoholic beverages along with the general wearing of green in support of Irish good luck.  Green is the luckiest color symbolizing the Emerald Isle, and all it’s mystical magic.  Be sure children get a selection of green non-alcoholic drinks as well.  Let the Shamrock Shakes of minty goodness fly forth freely as well!  It’s only once a year so live a little!
  2. Continue having Saint Patrick’s Day parties while transforming them into costume parties that accentuate anything related to Ireland, good luck, or Leprechauns.  Please try to have celebrations more centered around the kids.  Dressing them up as little Leprechauns complete with a wood shillelagh.  They should symbolically spread luck by throwing forth Shamrocks, lucky charms, or candy.  Candy wrapped in gold foil to appear as gold coins placed in a traditional pot that looks like a small cauldron.  Shamrock shaped mints are great as well.  Creation of a Saint Patrick’s treasure hunt to find said pot of gold candy will further fuel the imagination of children to strengthen the Saint Patrick’s holiday.
  3. We encourage people to decorate their homes in green lights, and appropriate Saint Patrick’s decor.  Hang lucky charms about, and have clover plants to exude good luck about.
  4. Our hope is to see children adorned in Leprechaun garb going door to door with their little pots collecting candy, and lucky charms given by generous adults with the Spirit Of Saint Patrick within them.  Pray to Saint Patrick, and let his lucky spirit dwell within you on March 17th.
  5. Near a window we would hope to see a box of live growing shamrocks ready to receive a gift of good luck from from parents to children.  One, or two of which should say it’s from a Leprechaun, or Saint Patrick, in the same way you do with Santa Claus.  Of course all supernatural beings are bound by the Supernatural Secrecy Pact that prevents large scale exposure of the paranormal community.  This is why Santa, and the Leprechauns can only directly deliver things to those within the paranormal community with the exception of a few special cases.  It’s becoming more common in these dire times for Leprechauns to leave lucky gifts with especially deserving members of the supernatural community as a reward for fighting the forces of darkness. Although a Leprechaun isn’t usually seen, his visitation is realized by the bright emerald green carpet of four leaf clovers left behind!
  6. We encourage people to create good luck directly by spotting situations where you can lend a hand to someone in need even on the simplest level.  You can even create a situation.  Something like throwing a quarter in someone’s path while you remain hidden to observe their lucky find.  The coin itself then becomes lucky. Let the Spirit Of Saint Patrick flow through you!
  7. General interest, creativity, and day dreaming involving Saint Patrick’s Day on any level will aid in the elevation of our day to most favored supernatural holiday status.  The Leprechauns, and I thank you for your cooperation in making the Earth the luckiest place in the Universe!

Now please do your part to spread good luck by following the King’s guidelines so you can aid in the forces of good triumphing over that of evil in these extremely trying times!

The King also released a special decree discouraging the capture of his Leprechauns and/or their pots of lucky million dollar gold for the purposes of receiving three coveted good luck based wishes. He said it distracts from the Leprechauns mission but he stated no ill will would come upon anyone partaking of this centuries old venture due to protections from Saint Patrick.  More or less anyone smart, or powerful enough to find the gold or capture the Leprechaun deserves the wishes.  However for everything to go well one must be respectful to the Leprechaun, and always return his gold once the wishes are granted.  Failure to do so can wield the wrath of an angry Leprechaun upon you along with the natural bad luck that will follow.  Anyone can bend good luck into bad luck when they have negative intentions in their heart!


The Mardi Gras Joker Was Twarted By Patriot Woman!

The self-proclaimed Voodoo powered leader of Mardi Gras known as The Mardi Gras Joker was up to his old nefarious tricks on February 13th! There are many tales of the despicable acts perpetrated by him and his thugs throughout the year. Particularly on Mardi Gras as he seeks to turn its debauchery into a completely dark holiday or horror! During 2018’s New Orleans festivities one such evil enterprise was interrupted by none other than the superhero born from the chemically laden ashes of September 11th, 2001. Of course, we speak of the amazing Patriot Woman!

The Joker and his minions videotaped a somewhat tipsy thirty-something woman displaying her bare bosoms repeatedly for worthless shiny beads. Her forty-something husband was there cheering her on in drunken revelry. As they milled through the crowd the jolly Joker clad in his crazy Jester costume and make-up cornered them. He showed them the video and demanded money for his extortionist plot. The Jokers top hacker determined the couple had prestigious high paying careers ripe for the terrifying taking. The husband attempted to attack him but he stuck a pin in a Voodoo Doll and the man gripped his heart in pain. The wife attempted to intervene but two of the Joker’s thugs held her back while lewdly groping her with smug smiles on their faces. The trio of darkness cackled with glee as they led the unlucky couple down an alley and into an empty warehouse. There the husband and wife were thrown into separate cages and informed that they would pay the money or be publicly disgraced with the videotape. The husband reluctantly wired the couples life savings to the Joker. It was estimated to be somewhere in the neighborhood of $550,000!

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the end of it. The Mardi Gras Joker is one sick puppy and he loves tormenting people. In dastardly detail, he told the couple what they would endure from that point up until the end of the Devil’s Hour. A night of terror in a maze of intricate puzzle and riddle ridden traps set-up around the warehouse of dark shadows. If they escaped they would live. However, that turned out to be a lie as the Joker intended to sacrifice them in a demonic ritual! Just apart of his continued effort to foster a dark Mardi Gras Spirit in opposition to a good spirit like that of Christmas!

The athletically inclined man along with his lovely intelligent wife managed to get themselves through the hours of living Hell. They suffered some injuries but escaped out the back door into the alley. They breathed a sigh of relief as they ran toward the now nearly empty streets screaming for help. Just then the Joker and six of his thugs leaped from behind some dumpsters laughing like loons. They held the husband as the Joker leered his wife with despicable desire in his evil eyes. He ripped her shirt off and threw her to the ground. The Joker then said to the husband,”I wish to make lust to your wife before you both die!” The husband yelled,”Leave her the hell alone! You said we could go free!” The Joker giggled,”I lied jackass!” The husband continued roaring in anger until the thugs began beating him as the sick Joker prepared to force himself on the trembling woman now crying in fear and disgust!

All hope seemed lost until a curvaceous shadow with long lustrous locks of amber waving in the wind appeared on the roof above. She jumped down three stories in the midst of the violent chaos. It was the legendary superhuman Patriot Woman clad in red, white, and blue complete with American Flag cape! It seems her limited psychic powers had picked up on this evil event as she strolled about the quiet early morning Mardi Gras streets of New Orleans. She immediately demanded,”Cease this madness or die you, filthy fiends!” The Joker and his thugs stopped what they were doing. The Joker then rose up and went face to face with her as he chuckled a bit and said in a seriously sinister voice,”Who in the F*** are you supposed to be bitch?” She told him who she was and then he vaguely remembered hearing about Patriot Woman some years ago but never thought much of it until now. He replied,”Well you star spangled piece of s*** this is my domain! I’ve got a sacrifice to perform! I don’t have time for this crap! I’ll allow you to leave now or I will place a permanent Voodoo curse upon you!” She then punched him so hard that he flew several feet into a dumpster while she yelled,”Voodoo this you freak of clown nature!” The Joker was knocked out cold!

The pathetic thugs immediately pounced but she took them down with extreme prejudice! Two were inadvertently killed by the force of her raw power! She hoisted the badly injured husband on her back as she led the wife out of the alley to a nearby police station. They were rushed to the hospital and the husband was in stable condition as of the posting of this article. Patriot Woman went back to do her duty and permanently take out the Mardi Gras Joker but he had vanished without a trace! However, the police managed to arrest some of the badly beaten minions.

The Madi Gras Joker is still on the loose and is considered supernaturally armed and dangerous! If you spot him do not attempt apprehension. In fact, do not even call the police or FBI as they will be helpless against him! Contact your nearest Paranormal Professionals or Practitioners Of Magic.  If you can’t locate anyone who is equipped to handle sinister supernatural villains then go ahead and dial 911 to tell them your terrifying tale even if you sound like a nut case. While on the phone with the Operator have the first words from your mouth be “PDA” as in the US Paranormal Defense Agency. Since all phone calls are being monitored in real time by the NSA they will hear that and immediately relay the recorded call to the top secret branch of the US Defense Agency that deals with paranormal threats. The 911 Operator will be puzzled that your call was dropped along with all your data being wiped clean from their computer systems! They and anyone called in on this will receive calls from high level US government officials to drop the investigation!

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