Richard Simmons Held Hostage By Voodoo Witch Doctor!

Big Richard SimmonsFitness guru Richard Simmons has withdrawn from his normal routine, and remained hidden from the public for the past two years.  The normally social, and outgoing Simmons hasn’t left his house in that time, and has refused all communications from friends along with family as well.  Some have conjectured it could be depression while others have suspected he’s being held against his will! When last seen he looked frail, pale, and weak.  Our insider paranormal sources have learned that Simmons had forged a friendship with a Hollywood Voodoo Witch Doctor named Abelhoffer.  Upon further investigation we’ve discovered that Abelhoffer is notorious for extorting money, and siphoning metaphysical energy from celebrities.

Basically Abelhoffer curses the unsuspecting celebrity, and then moves in with them taking over their lives.  Famous people in general have a high level of metaphysical energy channeled through their Chakra’s courtesy of so much of the human collective consciousness focused on them. In other words the astral energy of countless fans, or anyone who even thinks of Simmons for a moment, is funneled into him.  This can make for powerful magics if collected properly.  Abelhoffer has mastered the art of metaphysical energy siphoning via crystals, and voodoo dolls targeting the Chakra’s. This not only takes the extra enchanted celebrity energy but also the very energy of the persons soul.  This is why Simmon’s looked so terrible when last seen.  The sapping of ones supernatural soul energy takes away the biological energy from their cells causing rapid physical, and mental deterioration!

There’s rumors that the Beverly Hills Supernatural Society(BHSS) has been hired by concerned friends to storm Simmon’s house, and save him! Thus far some manner of mystical shielding is preventing anyone from entering the property.  The BHSS is a team of supernatural specialists led by the Sorcerer Janis Pentalamb.  Hopefully her powers alone can trump a Voodoo Witch Doctor!  When we contacted BHSS they elected to make no comment on the record about the Richard Simmons situation.  We will keep you apprised of the supernatural situation as updates become available!

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Russian Levitation Prodigy Caught On Tape

A man walking his faithful dog Tarzan in some woods in the rural outskirts of Moscow, Russia caught a levitating girl on tape.  Further investigation reveals the girl was born with a Levitation gene in her DNA, and her powers began developing slowly since around age two. Such powers have been ever increasing manifesting among humans junk DNA as apart of our evolution process.  A process leading to Human higher dimensional Godhood where we already exist outside of this time-space.  The paranormal prodigy is with a metaphysical mentor from the local supernatural community guiding her practice in flight away from prying eyes. Or so she thought!  Once they spot the dog walking camera man, the woman, and gifted girl immediately flee the area never to be seen again!  Their identities are being protected by those of us in the paranormal community who know that the girl could be subjected to government or clandestine private corporate experimentation.  The Levitation Girl has aspirations to become a superhero who wishes to do battle against the forces of evil in order to protect humanity from various supernatural scourges that lurk about the night!

Those of you not born with Levitation powers can attempt to duplicate these abilities via magic spells.


Slender Man Assassin Nearly Kills The Slender Man!

Slender Suit
What Has Slender Man Been Up To Lately?
For the last few years Slender Man was spotted with the Devil every so often. He indeed played a role in the tragic Second Battle Of Armageddon. This despite being a control freak that prefers the company of harmless children.  However sometime in mid- 2015 it was rumored the two had a falling out.  Apparently the Devil, a top level ArchDemon, was unable to kill the Slenderman before he teleported to safety.  The Devil’s weakened human form may explain part of this.  The other half is the fact that Slender Man is a prisoner on Earth sent here by his own people from a parallel dimension for unspecified crimes.  They utilize the life force of Earth to bind him in certain ways so as to limit his paranormal power.  That same force also protects him from dying since he’s been given a life sentence.  Certainly an eternity for an immortal like Slender Man!

Since then there have been sparse sightings of Slender with an attempted diabolical Halloween plot foiled by a bounty hunter sent from his dimension to assassinate him.  The Slender Man Assassin was sent here by a non-governmental faction from his home dimension to exact final justice by illegally eradicating Slender.  Slender Man has been quite efficient at eluding the Assassin spotted every so often around the world.  Until Halloween 2015 when Slender Man hatched a sinister plot to brainwash a majority of the parents in a small Kansas town in order to use them as proxies to eliminate each other while delivering their own children into his hands on Halloween during the heart of Trick O Treating.  By far one of the most despicable acts he’s ever attempted!  We believe not even the Devil would stoop so low!  However it’s known that Slender Man doesn’t harm children, and instead feeds off the magic of innocence that surges through them.  In fact every child he ever kidnapped may be alive in stasis hidden somewhere on Earth acting as his personal power batteries virtually Matrix style.  Perhaps existing in a mental dream world of his making.

Slender had spent two months turning dozens of people into his zombie like proxies when Halloween night came to pass.  He was about to pull off what he considered to be his crowning masterpiece as he was about to send a mental message to his victims to massacre anything that moved except for the kids.  He never completed his psychic message as the Slender Man Assassin tackled him, and their shape shifting tentacles fought like a couple of wild land locked squid!  They violently battled in the street within the middle of a neighborhood full of parents, and Trick O Treaters who ran screaming away from the epic battle.  Street lamps, trees, cars, Halloween decor, and Jack-O-Lantern heads flew about as if a tornado had hit the dark roadway. After several minutes The Slender Man Assassin had Slender’s neck locked to the ground as he stuck a syringe full of glittering purple goo into Slender with a tentacle.  It must have been something to temporarily break the protective force because Slender began to choke according to the few witnesses who stayed behind to watch.  They saw his smooth white faceless form turn to a pitch black wrinkled prune!  Death may have been seconds away if not for the intervention of the infamous Slender Man Cult!

A hoard of loyal teen cult members swarmed from everywhere 360 degrees.  They attacked the Slender Assassin with swords, and knives. The distraction was enough for Slender Man to recover, and defend himself.  The Assassin had no choice but to retreat.  Slender was clearly weakened so he, and his cult left town for good. They haven’t been seen since.  The US Paranormal Defense Agency swooped in to clean up the metaphysical mess, and attempt to treat those with Slender Sickness who could be saved.  As usual they performed a masterful media, and local law enforcement cover-up so the general public never learned of this.  We can’t even mention the name of the town because the Paranormal Defense Agency would consider that information too specific, and swoop in to clean us up!!!!