What Are The Bigfoot Sasquatch?

The Sasquatch, otherwise known as Bigfoot, are bipedal hominid cryptid’s native to the dense isolated forests of the Northern United States and Southern Canada. Although the densest populations are in the Pacific Northwest. Their height can range approximately from 8-10 feet tall. Weight falls anywhere from 700-900 pounds. There appears to be no size difference between male and female Sasquatch. The noble beasts have an apish Neanderthal appearance covered in shaggy medium to long length fur that ranges in various shades of brown color. Only the face, human-like hand palms, and foot pads are mostly free of hair. The Bigfoot has thick sharp claws used to cut through dense foliage, mark tree trunks, dig into the ground, and dispatch hunters after them! It’s also said the claws have the same effect as silver on Werewolves and other monsters who call it poison! They have expressive human-like eyes that are usually burnt sienna in color. In darkness, they glow dimly amber as the Bigfoot has excellent night vision. They will glow a brighter yellow when a practitioner of magic is attacking them. This is their immunity to magic being activated! The creature generally emits a foul odor that intensifies when it feels threatened.

The Powers Of The Bigfoot

In addition to the aforementioned immunity to all magic, they are immortal. The seemingly indestructible Sasquatch also possesses super strength, speed, agility, enhanced senses, and a sixth sense that warns them of impending danger. They have strong healing factors and there is no evidence they acquire any diseases. This includes paranormal ones such as the dreaded Zombie virus. Faunapathic powers allow them to peacefully interact with all animals including grizzly bears and wild cats! Although timid gentle herbivores by nature they can be ferocious monsters when provoked or someone deeply trespasses on their territory. It’s said there isn’t a supernatural being on Earth who isn’t afraid of Bigfoot nor it’s paranormal cousin the Abominable Snowman Yeti. Even the strongest Vampires and Werewolves will turn tail and run when faced with an angry Sasquatch!

Bigfoot Culture

The Sasquatch people have a primitive intelligence and feel a wide range of emotions. There is a loose culture that chose to live completely in tune with nature. There is some evidence they practice herbal medicine, worship Gods, bury their dead, discuss the dangers human society poses, and contemplate their lives. Some may use primitive tools but they don’t build fires as they have no use for them. They communicate with each other in an indecipherable guttural grunting language. When angered they growl louder than a lion yet let loose a high pitched warning cry that travels miles. The Bigfoot has the ability to sign language with humans. Particularity the Native Americans they communed with early on and trusted to hide them from the European settlers in later centuries. The Indians looked upon the Sasquatch as holy sacred beings of Mother Nature.

Sasquatch Lifestyle

The Bigfoot enjoys roaming about the secluded woods making friends with animals and nature deities such as nymphs and Fairies while they forage for plants to eat. In particular, they love pine cones and evergreen needles. Sasquatch sometimes live in caves and will dig dens into the ground for winter or giving birth. Some who live further north will migrate south during harsh winter months. They love temperate zones with plenty of rain and don’t appreciate extreme cold or heat. More often they simply love sleeping under the stars despite only requiring a few hours of slumber per night. They prefer to be alone with nature most of the time but they do socialize with their own kind on a regular if not sparse basis. It is rare for a Bigfoot to have a dispute with another. Although they do not get along with their violent Yeti cousins. Sasquatch are masters of stealth and can move without making a sound despite their giant lumbering size. You could be within 10 feet of one and not even see them crouching behind a tree or bush waiting for you to leave the area!

The Origin Of The Supernatural Sasquatch

Despite the speculation of the Cryptozoology community, we believe that the Sasquatch was genetically created by advanced extraterrestrials of unknown origin some 1.7 million years ago. The alien DNA manipulation analysis indicates that Bigfoot has elements of our early hominid ancestors Homo Habilis and Homo Erectus. There are also unidentifiable extraterrestrial and enchanted elements within the genes of Bigfoot. There was some apparent effort to make it look like their creation was apart of Earth’s natural evolution process. However, the immortality of the Sasquatch created a low sex drive and therefore a consistently small populace that pretty much kept evolution at a minimum. If the Bigfoot couldn’t live forever the supernatural species would have died out a long time ago!

The hominid hybrid experiments took place in the American Northwest where the Bigfoot was specifically designed to survive in the lush secluded forests. It’s thought the aliens noticed the African hominids and wanted to speed up the evolution process. A process that was to produce a supernatural species to deal with paranormal threats they must have noticed while exploring our world. It’s unknown if this was a work of benevolence or mere scientific curiosity. It is also not known if the aliens continue to observe or even visit their creations as Gods. The Sasquatch are secretive about what Gods they worship. Quite a few are nature deities they discovered and Native American Gods.

Sasquatch Families

The Sasquatch mate every so often and there are a handful of baby Bigfoot born every century. It seems conception is difficult to achieve which isn’t surprising in an immortal creature. The hairy couple will stay together to raise the child for about 14 years before parting ways as they prefer to live alone. Still, the Bigfoot often gather in groups to exchange information. Especially where to avoid humans who aren’t one with Mother Nature!  It is said the original alien experiment creations, aka the Adam and Eve of the Sasquatch people, still survive and act as a pseudo King and Queen of sorts. If that is the case they would be 1.7 million years old! Although there is no official government or civilization. It’s rumored the King and Queen along with their first few generational descendants have the power to telepathically communicate with all of their kind anywhere on Earth. Perhaps influencing what they do sub-consciously or sending direct messages that might be seen as signs from Gods.

The Magic Of The Sasquatch

Native Americans trusted the sacred Sasquatch to scare off the first werewolves and Wendigo. In general, they ward off evil in all forms! They aided the first humans to cross the Bering Strait Land Bridge and cross the Pacific to North America. The Bigfoot shared the secrets of Mother Earth with the first Natives. However, they were far less trusting of settlers who got here from the Atlantic ocean such as Vikings and other Europeans. These early explorers attempted to hunt down what they saw as blasphemous beasts! Sasquatch fur is extremely valuable in the supernatural community. It brings good luck and is a powerful ingredient in magical potions, rituals, and spells. This is even more true for Bigfoot blood given willingly. The blood is a known poison for evil entities such as vampires!

The Demi-Sasquatch & Bigfoot Uprising

Despite the striking physical differences between Bigfoot and Humans, there are rare Sasquatch-Human Hybrids, aka Demi-Sasquatch, that walk among us. Clearly our DNA is compatible. The first were with Native Americans who considered it a sacred event to join with the Sasquatch as blood brothers and sisters. More recently it has been a variety of races who are in the supernatural know and have met various Bigfoot people. One Demi-Bigfoot works at our own local secret supernatural Club 13 as a Bouncer. Mr. Altec is ideally suited to his job with super strength, speed, agility, enhanced senses, immunity to magic, and most likely immortality! Although he must wax his body on a daily basis. Well, he doesn’t have to but he seems to be embarrassed by his Bigfoot heritage and doesn’t like to talk about it!

Demi-Sasquatch are usually in the 7 foot tall heavy muscular build range. Despite Bigfoot generally being peaceful the interbreeding can instill violent tendencies. Mr. Altec only seems to let it show when he is forced to fight. Quite a few Bigfoot Hybrids can be downright vile. Such is the cases when we here at Mystic Investigations dealt with one at an amusement park recently. He seemed to be ridiculously obsessed with getting his daughter a dolphin doll I won. It ended up in a big brawl!

There have also been factions of Sasquatch who have had enough of the ever-increasing intrusion into their private world. They feel the only answer is to fight back against the human invasion into their sacred forests. A Sasquatch Rebellion was quelled by government and private paranormal forces in August 2018. This has also fueled ever increasing hybrid births in an effort to “infiltrate” human society! Impregnating a human female has a greater frequency of success than in their own kind. Let us pray the Native American friends of the Sasquatch can broker peace between them and the humans they see as enemies!

The Original Famous Bigfoot Video. It is said the Sasquatch in the video was shunned by his people for exposing their kind to the world!

Talk Of The Hunt For Sasquatch

What Are Toilet Monsters?


November 19th is World Toilet Day! A time to reflect on the fact that billions of people on Earth don’t have a safe and sanitary toilet’s to use. Most of us take it for granted that we can use a modern toilet anytime we please! The goal of Toilet Day is to guarantee that everyone has a toilet to use by 2030. In the meantime, we will discuss the supernatural side of toilets. Namely the terror of Toilet Monsters! As silly as it sounds they are real yet very rare in occurrence! Still, it wouldn’t hurt to look before you crap! Better safe than sorry!

The Origin Of Toilet Monsters

The terrifying Toilet Monsters were born within the noxious fecal goo of the sinister Stool Monster that often resides in sewers sometime in the mid 20th century. Thus the Toilet Monster is temporarily a Sewer Monster who seeks out crappers as its home. Cryptozoological research indicates the mini monsters are a genetic melding of trolls, gremlins, swamp monsters, and an unknown element with hints of The Stool within. Most likely these separate monsters became stuck in The Stool creature and the high-pressure bio-chemical mix molded them into a new blasphemous being. Thankfully these despicable little creepers only reproduce when exposed to high levels of radiation for reasons unknown. This keeps their population extremely small. Upon radiation exposure, the Toilet Monster returns to the sewers to find The Stool. It insinuates itself on the outer fringes of the gelatinous goo to give birth. Promptly both monsters go their separate ways in search of new crappers above ground. All Toilet Monsters are hermaphrodites and can produce their own monster child.

Entry Of The Crapper Monster Into Your Humble Abode!

After making their way up out of the sewer into the plumbing of homes and businesses the Toilet Monster takes up residence in one or more toilets. The sick puppy subsists off of fresh human waste! The Toilet Monster can greatly compact its body so you might not even notice it while sitting on the throne. However, it will not hesitate to attack with its sharp teeth if it feels threatened. It has been known to bite rear ends and even rip private parts off! It is very strong and doesn’t go too far down when the toilet is flushed. Luckily the monster loves cold water and will rarely leave the toilet to enter your home. It also feels safe in small spaces so you won’t find these monsters in swimming pools, lakes or other bodies of water.

How To Get Rid Of A Toilet Monster

Even if you don’t spot the silent little menace in your crapper bowl there will be signs of its presence. Namely the green slime it sheds from its disgusting form. It also leaves a lingering odor described as a cross between rotted fish, seaweed, and stinky cheese. The easiest way to repel the heinous horror is to continually dump boiling hot water into the toilet. Chemical cleaners have no effect on them! Not even bleach! Most Toilet Monsters are stubborn and will keep returning to the crapper that it sees as its home. As it is not demonic in nature religious artifacts such as holy water will not work. In such cases contact your nearest paranormal professional, monster hunters, or magical practitioners to expel or capture the creature. Killing them is beyond difficult as they are extremely rubbery and tough-skinned with extreme resistance to various means of destruction! #WorldToiletDay

Also, See Do Vampires Use Toilets?

What Is The Loch Ness Monster?

Nestled in the Scottish Highlands lies the deep dark murky waters of Loch Ness. Within these wondrous waters, one can find an abundance of wildlife including the infamous paranormal creature known as The Loch Ness Monster! Over the centuries the dinosaur-like cryptid has been spotted by numerous witnesses. The first official sighting in the public record was by an Irish Monk named Saint Columbia in the year 565. However, numerous other sightings and attacks are listed in the secret paranormal record. In some cases, reports have been lost to history or even covered up by historians working on behalf of various governments who don’t want to alarm citizens. From that time up until 1332 paranormal records indicated the blasphemous beast was quite vicious! It would relentlessly attack animals and people before disappearing back into the deep depths in a flash! Over the centuries no warriors, whether human or supernatural, could ever find nor slay the Monster Of Ness! After 1332 there were only sparse sightings and all were generally peaceful in nature. We now know the reason for this lies firmly in the hands of our planets top Sorcerer of the light named Ian McTavish.

The Deception Of The Loch Ness Monster
The Monster Of Ness is more or less a paranormal Plesiosaurus that is approximately 12 feet long. It has two large fore flippers and two back flippers. The creature has a long tail and extremely long neck. Its head isn’t much wider than the top of the neck. The skin is reptile like with a grayish green coloring. The beast’s eyes have been known to occasionally glow crimson, yellow, and even a light green due to demonic DNA and various magics within. The once carnivorous monster is known to be immortal with supernatural stealth abilities.

The Birth Of The Loch Ness Monster
The Loch Ness Monster came into existence courtesy of the dark Sorcerer Melvin Covington. He wanted to test his prolific powers since recently rising from the status of Sorcerer’s Apprentice. At the same time, he wanted to punish the bullies who ousted him from the village he grew up in. Even his own family disowned him because they felt he had a darkness in him that couldn’t be cured. He was always a socially awkward weakling generally disliked by all and things only got worse when he turned to practicing magic. After being rejected by his own people he found refuge in England with an evil Sorcerer who took Covington under his wayward wing. However, Covington was also bullied by his new malevolent master and eventually he killed him in a cowardly manner!

In the year 555, he stealthily returned to his village on the shores of Loch Ness. In a secluded area amid the Witching to Devil’s Hours, he conjured up the Monster Of Loch Ness. He originally intended a land creature to terrifying everyone but he foresaw it would be more easily discovered and eventually slayed. At the time Dragons were already being taken down left and right by brave warriors who would later be known as Knights. Instead, Covington created an aquatic creature who could perpetually hide in the deep dark water. A horrifying entity that could dive at people on shore, swallow swimmers, and strike terror in the hearts of fishermen!

The mainstream populace had no knowledge of dinosaurs at the time but those in the real supernatural community knew of this planets amazing prehistoric facts. Covington used psychic temporal magic to sense sea creatures in his general vicinity 200 million years in the past! He then opened a time portal and brought forth a newborn Plesiosaur baby into a mystically roped off area of the Loch containing spelled waters full of perplexing potions. He imbued the young aquatic carnivore with a demonic essence called forth from the bowels of Hell via various dark Underworld Gods. The little beast was a female as Covington hoped to bring forth a male for breeding. The minute monsters eyes glowed crimson as the demonic essence took hold among other mystical alterations making the creature invulnerable to attack and immortal as well. The sinister Sorcerer spelled the monster to stay within Loch Ness forever tormenting anyone in the vicinity! He also programmed its mind to have a taste for human flesh and then secondly for wildlife when necessary. Every life taken would be considered a demonic sacrifice to increase the Sorcerers power base. Covington then gave the creature a dark blessing before commanding it to swim away into the moonlit waters.

From that night onward the Loch Ness Monster slaughtered many an innocent along with causing heart attacks in some out of sheer terror. Thankfully, the full force of its power wasn’t seen until it was a grown adult monster within 3 years. Before that time the Sorcerer Covington began preparations to conjure up a male monster but he himself couldn’t resist personally going after those who had wronged him. This included intricate schemes to drive entire families crazy before taking them down in what he saw as personal justice. Luckily his insanity caught the attention of a powerful coven of witches who had enough! They dispatched Covington to the fiery pits of the Underworld with extreme prejudice! Despite considerable effort, they weren’t able to locate the blasphemous beast he birthed! However, their protective magical efforts limited the full brunt of the Loch Ness Monsters rabid rage!

The Monster Becomes A Gentle Giant
In 1331 the Sorcerer Ian McTavish came to investigate the legends of the monster while looking for a location to build his magic school. He was instinctively drawn to the shimmering waters of the Loch. Then one fateful night he caught glimpse of the Loch Ness Monster going after some moonlight skinny dippers. Ian dove in and took on the beast with the raw power of his mighty magic! He was able to subdue the leviathan after a few hours but chose not to extinguish its life as it was an innocent pawn in Covington’s warped magic. Instead, McTavish removed the demonic essence with an elaborate enchantment. He had no idea at the time but he was actually removing the demonic DNA intertwined within the beast. Unfortunately, the creature was still powerful and a carnivorous dinosaur. McTavish called upon various nature deities including Goddess Gaia Mother Earth herself to bless the monster and give it an intelligent love for all living things. It was Universally forgiven for the atrocities it performed while under the spell of demonic influences. From that moment forth the newly christened creature of a gentle sort would only eat plants and mystical food provided by McTavish. He had tamed the beast and decided Loch Ness was the perfect place for his school.

There on the shores of Loch Ness, the Sorcerer McTavish erected his magically cloaked campus to educate those with paranormal potential from around the world! Completed in 1333 it is now the finest school of its kind on Earth known as the McTavish International Academy Of Magical Sciences! The Loch Ness Monster became affectionately known as Nessie by students. She became the school’s mascot whose image is proudly displayed on their flag and other institutional memorabilia. Nessie often gives students, professors, and guests rides around the portion of the Loch with a cloaking spell on it. Unfortunately, Nessie can be somewhat mischievous at times and escapes the metaphysical barrier thereby being seen by everyone. These are the sources of sparse Loch Ness Monsters sightings every so often. Next time you’re in Loch Ness and spot Nessie fear nor for she is harmless and only wants to be friends!

The recent project of testing Loch Ness waters for DNA will fail! They simply don’t have the equipment to identify supernatural DNA. Not to mention the fact that Nessie’s bodily structure doesn’t shed any cells!

Thank God Covington Didn’t Call Forth Predator X!