The North American Sasquatch Uprising!

Since 2017 Mystic Investigations has been tracking an ever-growing Sasquatch rebellion. The Bigfoot, sometimes called the missing link, are a distant relative of humankind genetically altered by extraterrestrial’s experimenting with the supernatural in North America. They were the first intelligent species on the continent. These gentle furry giants welcomed the Native Americans who migrated here from Asia and the Pacific Islands. Most tribes saw the Sasquatch as a sacred creature to be revered. Some even worshiped them! The Bigfoot later aided Natives with the new Werewolf threat and later the arrival of European immigrants. Certainly, the Natives and Bigfoot shared the common threat of intolerable invaders. As modern civilization grew the proud Sasquatch people were forced further into the deep forests and mountainous regions. They only wished to be left alone but non-Natives refused to do so! They sought to uncover their secrets and even hunt them down! Eventually, the Bigfoot was somewhat forgotten amid the folklore of other paranormal beings and also unverified tall tales of the great American West.

Things began to heat up again for the Sasquatch courtesy of the infamous 1967 Patterson–Gimlin Film shot in Northern California. This was the re-birth of the Bigfoot research and hunting movements across North America from sea to shining sea. Things only got worse in the 21st century with the advent of ever-increasing convenient photographic tools, tracking equipment, and mass social media. We even have TV shows centered around the hunt for Bigfoot. Sometime in the 2010’s a group of Sasquatch reached out to the small Demi-Bigfoot community for help. Indeed Sasquatch have mated with humans! The Demi-Bigfoot began creating a network to spread the word of a coming war between the Sasquatch and mainstream human society. By 2017 a nationwide effort was underway. The Bigfoot Communications Network is thought to be a combination of modern technology and old world methods that may include Native American smoke signals. The Bigfoot Hybrids most likely handle the technological end as Sasquatch shun sophisticated society in the same way the Amish do.

By early 2018 some minor skirmishes began taking place across the United States with a few in Mexico and Canada. Ultimately local Bigfoot Hunters, private paranormal firms, and the US Paranormal Defense Agency squashed these rebellions that were a direct response to the invasion of Bigfoot privacy. As with all supernatural events the government actively covers up such incidents. On August 14, 2018, things finally came to a head when a bizarre hashtag appeared on social media. The hashtag “mp; saf” was a secret warning code for the government that indicated a serious coordinated nationwide Sasquatch uprising [mp = Major Paranormal / Nationwide. saf = (sa) Sasquatch and (f) = fight.] Thankfully the secret US Paranormal Defense Agency in conjunction with members of the supernatural community repelled the alarming effort to overrun our society!

Since then things have remained somewhat quiet as the Sasquatch regroup and look to reevaluate their plans to rid themselves of dangerous humans! Still, there have been some abductions of people who may prove useful to the Bigfoot cause. It is sad things came to this point as the Bigfoot have been mostly peaceful creatures unless provoked. Clearly, they are no longer on the defensive but now on a major offensive! The Sasquatch are angered by the human invasion of their sacred lands. This is evident in the way they’ve mentored their Demi-Sasquatch kind. Mystic Investigations ran into one with his child at an amusement park recently. Both were rather reprehensible! They believe they are the master race and should inherit our world! That being said there are good Demi-Sasquatch such as a Bouncer named Mr. Altec who works at our local paranormal Club 13. He has been an invaluable informant on the misguided Sasquatch war against humankind!

While the government and various hardcore Bigfoot Hunters now triple their efforts to expose, capture, and kill Sasquatch others like Mystic Investigations work toward brokering peace. In conjunction with our Native American allies, we hope to end this violent crisis and aid in repelling those who would harm the noble Sasquatch. We know many of you have a deep interest in Bigfoot but we implore you to respect their privacy and leave them alone in their remote rural abodes. Only those who commune peacefully with nature may meet the Bigfoot and develop a symbiotic kinship with them if deemed worthy. At the end of the day we can’t grow complacent with the fact that we greatly outnumber these usually gentle giants. Their power is immense and they are immune to magic! They are a titanic force to be reckoned with!

Interesting Fact: The Sasquatch were set to be allied in battle with the Earthly Gods And Goddesses in the War Of Armageddon. However, the Nature Deities aren’t happy with the recent violence between humans and Bigfoot.

The Infamous 1967 Footage That Started The Modern Hunt For Bigfoot!

It is thought that the Sasquatch in this video was actually shunned by his people as an outcast for so blatantly exposing their kind to the world.

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Hawaii’s Kīlauea Volcano Eruption Caused By A Nature Deity Dispute

The alarming eruption of the volcano Kilauea in Hawaii on May 3, 2018 along with subsequent earthquakes has a supernatural cause! Various Hawaiian Priestesses, Mystics, Psychics, and Seers have agreed that a war of the Gods began brewing on April 30, 2018 as the first hints of impending lava spewing doom were detected. Nature Gods and Goddesses are the personification of our environment. Their emotional states cause metaphysical energy anomalies that affect our surroundings. Positively for happy peace or negatively for angry war!

Kilauea has been the Earthly home to the Hawaiian Fire Gods and Goddesses for countless millennia. Their Queen is Pele Goddess of fire, lightning, wind, and volcanoes. Recently Kanola, the God of the Hawaiian Underworld, began to curry deep favor with the King God of the entire Underworld Hades. They’ve formed an unholy alliance with other Dark Underworld Gods and Demons as they vie for control of Earth in the coming battles of Armageddon. The King of the Hawaiian Gods Kane has reluctantly agreed with his longtime friend Kanola as he cares not for being so low on the Godly totem pole. It seems the King Of The Greek Gods Zeus has the largest faction of Earth Gods and Goddesses under his titanic belt. However, he has repeatedly dismissed Kane and virtually insulted him on a number of occasions. Zeus is known for his large ego but is usually smart enough to broker peace and bring factions together.

On the other hand, the Goddess Pele is loyal to Goddess Gaia Mother Earth who must remain neutral in Armageddon as her body the planet is the battleground itself. As a Daughter Of The Omniverse God, she must abide by his wishes of impartiality. Kanola implored Pele to join him and began ordering his cult to sacrifice innocent victims into her volcano for the purposes of harvesting the power of human souls. This enraged Pele and set off an unseen battle out of phase with our reality. The fiery forces of Pele and the denizens of darkness under Kanola fiercely fight for supernatural supremacy! Kane refuses to intervene despite secretly siding with Kanola. Meanwhile, Zeus has sent forth olive branches to Pele in the hopes of enticing her to join his powerful pantheon.

Expect continued lava flows and earthquakes as the battle rages on! Especially with Pele forging new alliances with other fire gods from around the world including the Greek God Hephaestus. These Gods are all hoping to bring the powerful Pele into the Armageddon fray as she is the most powerful fire and volcanic Goddess on Earth! As this invincible war gives us fiery ground shaking chaos expect human violence within a safe vicinity of the volcano as the Kanola Cult battles Pele’s Priestess and her loyal disciples. Pray to and for Pele and her allies as she fights for peace on the Hawaiian Islands and the world at large! [Twitter]

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Santa Claus Sexiest Supernatural Man Alive!


Paranormal People Magazine is the secret supernatural sub-magazine of People Magazine. A mystical magazine only distributed to those of us in the real supernatural community. The magazine tends to take a lighter tone rather than focusing on the dangers of the dark forces that infest our planet. For the second year in a row they have named Santa Claus, aka Saint Nicholas, as the Sexiest Supernatural Man alive on Earth for 2017.  As a Demi-Angel, aka Angel-Human Hybrid, he has been blessed with a handsome exterior complete with a naturally muscular physique. Santa is seen as the savior, and leader of the forces of light on Earth. His headquarters of justice is North Pole City.

When asked for a comment he said,”I’m very flattered by this recognition! However we have much more pressing matters to concentrate on as all out Armageddon approaches! I must also stress I’m happily married to my wife Holly so I implore the lustful ladies out there to respect our sacred union. Let the Spirit Of Christmas dwell in your hearts in place of physical temptations. Merry Christmas to all and thank you!” Mrs. Claus had a similar comment when she said,”He’s all mine ladies! Don’t even think of it! We’ve been happily together longer than any human has been alive! However I forgive you for your less than pure thoughts directed at my husband. Merry Christmas!”

Interestingly enough Santa Claus’s evil identical twin brother, The Anti-Claus, should theoretically enjoy this honor as well. Unfortunately for him his turn to the dark side warped his Angel genes into that of demonic. This altered his appearance to that of less than flattering. This also included him ironically acquiring the iconic bowl full of jelly belly mistakenly attributed to Santa Claus. Despite this the Anti-Claus can utilize dark spells to Glamour his appearance into something handsome. The Dark Claus wasn’t available for comment but he does have a history of deep jealousy toward his holy brother. More than likely he is hiding in a cave somewhere plotting his Christmas revenge!

[Twitter]

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