Can Vampires Be Obese?

We’ve seen various television shows and movies giving us the quintessential fat Vampire for comedic effect. The most infamous being Pearl from the movie Blade. It’s possibly humorous since an overweight vampire is in stark contrast with the beautiful beast of paranormal power we expect to be presented with. These fictional fat vamps fall into the somewhat overweight to morbidly obese range. The ultimate being the ones who are so huge that they can’t even move! They often say the reason is continuous over-gorging of blood. Consuming ever-increasing amounts of blood equals more muscle mass in the real world of the supernatural. Humans wish they could achieve the same thing with food rather than gaining unwanted fat.

Curses Rather Than Too Much Blood Makes An Obese Vampire

In reality, 99.99% of vampires are perfectly toned gods and goddesses. That being said there are a rare few vampires who are rather chunky. The most common reason tends to be magical punishments. Often Curses perpetrated by vengeful gypsies and other practitioners of magic. Usually as a result of the vampire unknowingly killing people with powerful relatives or the right connections. Sometimes they simply anger and offend royal vampires, demi-demons, and even demons. Nature Deities have been known to punish unruly vamps as well. This can result in a curse of being made obese. Naturally, there are far worse things so they probably should consider themselves lucky! Sometimes it is just an embarrassment but other times it can mean no longer being mobile. Then the big bloated vampire must rely on servants to stay alive.

The Fat Vampire Baka

The fattest and most famous of these rare breed of overweight vampires is The Vampire Baka. He was born as a human in 13th century Japan. He became a powerful Samurai Warrior who battled against the invasion of the Mongol Empire. The invading empire was under the rule of Kublai Khan, Grandson of Genghis Khan. Baka had a huge inflated ego and thought he could travel to Khan’s stronghold to assassinate him. Indeed Baka took out a number of Khan’s family, friends, and servants. However, he never got to Kublai Khan. Khan was so offended by the mass slaughter that he has his court magicians curse Baka and all his successive generations. The curse involved Khan personally utilizing his very blood and soul along with ritualistic sacrifices.

The Cursed Samurai Becomes A Vampire

The Samurai Baka soon found his life spiraling out of control amid an armada of bad luck. This culminated in a fifth-generation vampire bringing him across into the dark eternal sanguine shadows. Although technically this might be considered good luck since his human self died. Death breaks a curse so that particular reign of terror was supposedly over. Khan found out about this and was enraged. From his point of view, Baka was now more powerful than him while living a never ending life with superpowers! He attempted to reinitiate the curse on the Vampire Baka using ever powerful methods but it wouldn’t take. There were several ways to make it work but the easiest was to get the blood and blessing of Baka’s vampire sire. Khan offered the vamp a grand place in his royal hierarchy along with unlimited humans to feed off of. He complied and Baka was cursed again.

It Isn’t Easy Cursing A Vampire

It’s difficult to have bad luck stick to a vampire with demonic DNA and dark energy flowing through their living dead bodies. There’s also the fact that their human soul is technically cut off from them. A human soul is the key conduit for a curse to do its thing. The soul is hijacked by the patron Demon who started the line of vampires they were sired from. So in essence you’d have to curse the demon to provide a complete curse. Naturally, this is next to impossible. The most common method is to specifically curse a vampire’s body.

Baka Is Cursed Fatter!

In the case of Baka, Khan cursed him to grow ever fatter with each human he killed by draining them of blood. As he grew gargantuan he found it increasingly more difficult to move and capture humans to satisfy his blood lust. Baka utilized his vampire powers of hypnotism to enlist vulnerable humans as his servants. They brought him humans to feed on. They eventually settled him in a cave hidden in Mount Fuji. Each new generation of these brainwashed humans continue to facilitate Baka’s needs.

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The Elusive Obese Japanese Vampire

To this day the Vampire Baka remains hidden in Mount Fuji as his location continues to elude Vampire Slayers. Some believe he employs a witch who has cast a cloaking spell. This would explain how even in our modern society nobody can find him. Based on past reports of his ever growing size it is estimated he probably weighs well over ten tons and takes up a sizable cavern. Baka could be at least 15 feet high! He’s a blasphemous Blob of bloody fat in serious need of some holy sun to eradicate his horrifying existence from this enchanted Earth! It’s plausibly the only way to exterminate him as a stake in the heart would be rather futile for his insane size!

The Baka Vampire Cult

He is known to have a cult of vampires who follow him and do his bidding in concert with his hypnotized human slaves. They are the real danger to society since Baka can’t even leave his cave. They worship him as a God due to him simply being the biggest vampire on Earth. Interestingly enough, with that size and serious sanguine energy he has increased his mental powers to the point of influencing the minds of vampires. It’s even said he can perform Telekinesis thus having physical power over anyone or anything within his sight range. His powers are well beyond his Sixth Generation vampire abilities! If you know the location of Baka, or know of someone who does, then contact Mystic Investigations or your local Vampire Slayer ASAP!

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