Who Is The Splinter Man?

The Splinter Man is a dangerous deformed paranormal monster that wanders the various woodlands of Europe, and Asia. He was once an evil British wizard simply named Gregor. We know very little about his elusive past. Sometime in the late 1880’s he attempted to access some deeply dark magics in his mad quest for immortal powers. Unfortunately for him, he got his wish for immortality. A prize that came with a heavy price. He performed his immortal magic ritual in the Black Forest of Germany during the Midnight Witching Hour. He traveled all the way there as the forest is known to be enchanted. These enchantments facilitated Gregor calling upon higher dimensional beings of an unknown origin. We know that they were neither demons, dark deities, or even Jinn. Some think it was the mysterious Conexsus who are a unique collective of many higher dimensional entities.

Risky Dark Magic Results In An Immortal Curse!

As Gregor chanted his sinister spell in various dead languages he performed blood sacrifices with thirteen people he had kidnapped earlier. Upon the final despicable death, a surge of dark energy shot through him with such force that it launched him into a huge tree. He had entered into uncharted mystical territory and assumed he was calling upon powerful beings for power. However, he unknowingly opened an unstable paranormal portal for these blasphemous beings to cross into our dimension. This caused the forest around him to be out of phase with our reality. When he was thrown into the tree he merged with the trunk as the portal manifested and then closed as it quickly lost supernatural steam. The unique nature of the dark metaphysical energy then caused the wood to merge with his body all the way down to the genetic level. After breaking away most of the excess trunk Gregor emerged as seen in the illustration above. A monstrous mystical wood monster-human hybrid standing at about 8 feet tall!

The Wood-Human Hybrid Of Horror!

He hobbled about wildly due to his deformed uneven heavy limbs as he screamed insanely sounding gibberish from his wooden throat! His ability to perform magic became deeply limited in this frightening form. He was so enraged that he went on a rampage in the nearest village killing everyone including a pack of wolves eating a deer nearby. Gregor seems to require a lot of energy to move about so he consumes quite a bit of protein. His reign of terror continued for several years until various farmers, and hunters realized he was vulnerable to large sharp implements, and fire due to the wood ingrained into his cells. The German people called him Splitter Mann, aka Splinter Man, because of the wood splinters he would leave behind where ever he traveled. Anyone impaled by even a small splinter would become deathly ill, and acquire what is called The Splinter Virus. A supernatural sickness that begins to transmute the entire body into wood until the victim dies within weeks. Currently, there is no known cure for the Splinter Virus.

The Eurasian Terror!

Over the many decades of his hellish existence, Splinter Man made his way around the Eurasian continent steering clear of bitterly cold regions. Since the late 1880’s he’s done nothing but terrorize innocent men, women, children, and animals. Various sightings have been recorded over the last century up to the present. US soldiers in the middle east reported seeing him during their various military objectives since the first Gulf War. He was even spotted in the Korean, and Vietnam Wars as well. Naturally, the governments of the world have suppressed this information so as not to alarm the general public. Thankfully he seems only interested in killing large adults for a quick cannibal meal. Although I guess he really isn’t human anymore so we can’t consider him a cannibal. He generally goes for large muscular men as they provide the most meat for any given kill.

The Paranormal Predator Splinter Man!

When humans aren’t easily accessible he will rabidly devour just about any animal he can get his hands on. Eye witness accounts indicate that his super strength and sharp hickory like limbs allow him to easily vanquish bears, wildcats, and even animals all the way up to Elephants. Those sharp hickory limbs have also been known to slay vampires and takedown werewolves with extreme prejudice! This big bastard will eat anything that moves! Despite his deformed limbs, and wild staggering movement he has grown quite capable of moving very fast. It’s estimated that he can run up to 35 mph as reported by horrified motorists whose vehicles he has chased. His magical powers seem to be limited to simple spells, mind control, and telekinesis. He has been known to confuse people and put delusions in their mind as a form of torture. Splinter Man can use his telekinesis to knock people down, and draw them toward him up to 15 feet away! When using his paranormal powers his eyes glow green.

Splinter Man Is A Mediocre Magician

His ability to practice magic has become beyond difficult due to his human soul being in conflict with a body ill-equipped to receive it. This causes an imbalance in metaphysical energies that interfere with magical spells. This surrounds him in an erratic aura that renders most photography and video ineffective in capturing his image. Also, his deformed limbs are unable to handle mystical texts, mix potions, and say spells properly since he’s barely able to talk. It sounds like a gravelly two-year-old learning to talk. Mostly he growls in a way that sounds like a cross between a Werewolf, and a train whistle. It’s a most unique, and spine chilling sound. If you ever hear it your first instinct is to run for your ever-loving life!

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Splinter Man’s Last Major Sighting

The Splinter Man’s last major sighting as of the original publication of this article was in the village of Chinnamanaickenpalayam in India. He was chasing innocent bystanders with elephant blood splattered all over him! Amid his growls, he repeatedly muttering in a raspy voice something that sounded like, “Me likes duh phanter!” Amazingly a paranormal investigator arrived on the scene just in time to record him saying it. The brave warrior then ran to safety near a big bonfire. Click here for the .wav file to hear the Splinter Man. He still seems to speak English and hasn’t bothered to acquire any other language skills. Probably because nobody can understand his mumbling anyway.

Splinter Man’s Reign Of Terror!

Since the incident in India, there have only been sparse unsubstantiated sightings until the updates given at the end of this article. This includes a run-in with Bigfoot! This is not unusual since he’s smart enough to know that he will be stopped if he terrorizes people non-stop. The longer he does this the more we in the paranormal community close in on him! Splinter’s only joys in life seem to be hunting down big game and tormenting innocent people! Thankfully he seems to avoid water which is why he hasn’t made it to the rest of the world. Pray he doesn’t make it on to a cargo ship!  Some evidence suggests that he heavily absorbs water, and it softens his body over time. So dousing him in water might be another potential defense along with fire, and large sharp implements such as swords, hand saws, and even chain saws. This water weakness might explain his avoidance of very cold regions. Perhaps any absorbed water would freeze thereby temporarily petrifying him. Then he can be chain sawed down for firewood!

The Wood Splinters Of This Malevolent Monster

Mystic Investigations has samples of his splinters in our laboratory for cryptid study, and use in magic that requires the presence of unique elements. They are widespread around the world and most reputable paranormal firms will have some in stock. However, they must be handled with extreme care otherwise one could acquire the Splinter Virus. If you have spotted the Splinter Man or know his current whereabouts then please contact Mystic Investigations or your nearest paranormal investigations crime-fighting firm.  Do not approach the Splinter Man as he is quite diabolical and deeply dangerous!  If he begins to chase you try to get into a building or climb a tree as fast as you can. You will need to be at least 15 feet above the ground to avoid his potential mind control and telekinetic powers. If not then the last thing you may see are his jagged wooden teeth coming at you!

Updates

  • March 20, 2016: Witnesses place him in various rural areas in Cuba. After over a century he finally had the bright idea to hitch a ride on a cargo ship or finally decided to risk the ocean waters. He did have quite a few supernatural hunters after him so perhaps he decided to hide on the other side of the world. Many from families of hunters who have tracked his routine for decades.
  • August 12, 2019: First sighting on continental North American soil in Yucatan, Mexico.
  • April 22, 2020: First sighting in the United States. Last seen in the Florida Everglades eating a large crocodile while a mostly eaten Manatee lay dead nearby. A giant Sasquatch roared onto the scene! Splinter actually hesitated as he will attack anything. For the first time, he fled the scene when faced with a one on one fight. Usually, only a mob of armed humans or magical practitioners scare him away. I guess Splinter knows not to mess with Bigfoot!
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