Who Is The Splinter Man?

The Splinter Man is a deformed paranormal monster that wanders the various woodlands of Europe, and Asia.  He was once an evil human wizard simply named Gregor who was originally from Austria.  We know nothing more of his mysterious past.  Sometime in the late 1880’s he attempted to access some deeply dark magics in his mad quest for immortal powers.  Unfortunately for him he got his wish for immortality.  A prize that came with a heavy price.  While in the Black Forest of Germany performing a Midnight ritual calling upon higher dimensional beings of an unknown origin a surge of dark energy cast him into a huge tree.   He had opened an unstable inter-dimensional portal for these unknown non-demonic beings which caused the forest around him to be out of phase with our reality.  When he was thrown into the tree he merged with the trunk as the portal closed.  The dark magics then caused the wood to merge with his body all the way down to the genetic level.  After breaking away most of the trunk Gregor emerged as seen in the illustration to the left.  A monstrous mystical wood monster-human hybrid.

He hobbled about wildly due to his deformed uneven limbs, and his ability to perform magic became deeply limited.  He was so enraged that he went on a rampage in the nearest village killing everyone including a pack of wolves eating a deer nearby. He seemed to require a lot of energy to move about so he consumes quite a bit of protein.  His reign of terror continued until various farmers, and hunters realized he was vulnerable to large sharp implements, and fire due to the wood ingrained into his cells.  The German people called him Splitter Mann, aka Splinter Man, because of the wood splinters he would leave behind where ever he traveled.  Anyone impaled by even a small splinter would become deathly ill, and acquire what is called the Splinter Virus.  A supernatural sickness that begins to transmute the entire body into wood until the victim dies within weeks.  Currently there is no known cure for the Splinter Virus.

Over the many decades of his hellish existence he’s made his way around the Eurasian continent steering clear of bitterly cold regions.  Since the late 1880’s he’s done nothing but terrorize innocent men, women, children, and animals.  Various sightings have been found in all decades up to the 2010’s.  US soldiers in the middle east have seen him as recent as five years ago.  He was even spotted in the Korean,and Vietnam Wars as well.  Naturally the governments of the world have suppressed this information so as not to alarm the general public.  Thankfully he seems only interested in killing large adults for a quick cannibal meal.  Although I guess he really isn’t human anymore so we can’t consider him a cannibal.  When humans aren’t easily accessible he will rabidly devour just about any animal he can get his hands on.  Eye witness accounts indicate that his super strength, and sharp hickory like limbs allow him to easily vanquish bears, wildcats, and even animals all the way up to Elephants which he was recently seen killing in India.  Despite his deformed limbs, and wild staggering movement he has grown quite capable of moving very fast.  It’s estimated that he can run up to 35 mph due to the reports of horrified motorists whose vehicles he has chased.  His magical powers seem to be limited to mind control, and telekinesis.  He has been known to confuse people, and put delusions in their mind as a form of torture along with knocking them down, and drawing them to him if they’re within 15 feet or so.  He may still have the ability to practice magic but it would be beyond difficult with his deformed limbs unable to handle mystical texts, mix potions, and say spells properly since he’s barely able to talk.  It sounds like a gravelly two year old learning to talk.  Mostly he growls in a way that sounds like a cross between a Werewolf, and a train whistle.  It’s a most unique, and spine chilling sound.  If you ever hear it your first instinct is to run for your ever loving life!

As of the completion of this article the Splinter Man was last seen in the village of Chinnamanaickenpalayam in India splattered in Elephant blood chasing innocent bystanders while repeatedly muttering in a raspy voice something that sounded like,”Me likes duh phanter!” Amazingly a paranormal investigator arrived on the scene just in time to record him saying it once as he quickly got close enough to the beast, and then ran to safety near a bonfire. Click here for the .wav file to hear the Splinter Man.  He still seems to speak English, and hasn’t bothered to acquire any other language skills.  Probably because nobody can understand his mumbling anyway.  That was several years ago, and nothing has been heard since.  This is not unusual since he’s smart enough to know that he will be stopped if he terrorizes people non-stop.  It seems to be his only amusement next to hunting prey for his giant dinners.  Thankfully he seems to avoid water which is why he hasn’t made it to the rest of the world.  Pray he doesn’t make it on to a cargo ship!  Some evidence suggests that he heavily absorbs water, and it softens his body.  So dousing him in water might be another potential defense along with fire, and large sharp implements such as swords, hand saws, and even chain saws.  This water weakness might explain his avoidance of very cold regions.  Perhaps any absorbed water would freeze thereby temporarily petrifying him.

We have samples of his splinters in our laboratory for cryptid study,and use in magic.  They are widespread around the world and most reputable paranormal firms will have some in stock.  However they must be handled with extreme care otherwise one could acquire the Splinter Virus.  If you have spotted the Splinter Man or know his current whereabouts then please contact Mystic Investigations or your nearest paranormal investigations crime fighting firm.  Do not approach the Splinter Man as he is quite diabolical, and deeply dangerous!  If he begins to chase you try to get into a building, or climb a tree as fast as you can.  You will need to be at least 15 feet above the ground to avoid his potential mind control, and telekinetic powers.  If not then the last thing you may see are his jagged wooden teeth coming at you!

Update: Seen in Cuba on March 20, 2016! Most likely hitched a ride on a cargo ship.

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