The Growing Epidemic Of Vampires Going Back To High School

Back To School VampiresMost people don’t believe in vampires.  Nor do they have a clue that their young impressionable teens are being compelled, and seduced by these Nosferatu’s of the night.  With each passing year paranormal investigators are reporting increasing incidents of young looking vampires infiltrating high schools, and posing as students.  One would think this impossible due to the sunlight issue. However these highly motivated, extremely old, and wise immortals turn to the magics of witches, wizards, and sorcerers to get around the deadly burning rays of the holy sun.  Others turn to the miracle of Gnome blood, or even hallowed Unicorn blood.  After that forging a birth certificate, immunization, and student records is easy.  Especially for old vampires who need to constantly change their identities.

So the question is why do these fresh faced geriatric blood suckers want to return to high school when they’re pushing well into their hundreds, or even thousands.  Some are so old that they lived in a time when high schools as we know it didn’t exist.  When we surveyed 100 vampires (50 adult looking ones, and 50 teenage looking ones) most of each group indicated they’d love to go to high school, hang with some cool hip happening teens, and partake of young blood.  But not too young of course since the blood of innocent children is poison to vampires.  The most common reasons were to feel mentally young, and human again.  Although in many cases the true underlying reason was love at first sight when they saw the boy or girl of their dreams in public somewhere.  Since they died in their teens, and became living dead they feel they have a right to be a teenager forever.  This includes all the rights that go along with being a card carrying high school teenager.

Naturally the girl or boy who is the object of their obsession is shocked to find out they’re a vampire.  However they almost always fall in love with the strikingly beautiful, and beguiling vampire.  The teens in question don’t care that their love interest is in fact old enough to be a skeleton.  Many teenagers are bewitched by the charms of vampires, and mystical nature of their immortal lives.  Sometimes it’s the hypnotic suggestions talking but most of the time these foolish kids go head over heels for the drinkers of forbidden blood.  This is especially true for the girls who find male vampires beyond irresistible in comparison to the silly awkward, immature, and sometimes vile little teen boys they are usually forced to choose from.  Many boys on the other hand are unsure if they can handle the sensual seductiveness of a hot young looking Vampira.  Sometimes things get complicated when a young Werewolf enters the equation since they’re natural enemies of vampires.  Such supernatural triangles of youthful love can often turn dangerous.

Suppose someday humanity gains immortally through technology?  Would it be acceptable for an 80 year old guy who looks 17 to go back to high school, and date a 16 year old?  Of course not!  It’s certainly not acceptable for young looking adult humans who have posed as teen, and even re-entered high school under an alias. That 80 year old, and others of his mental kind, would be branded perverts, and a pedophiles.  So why do vampires think they can operate above the law, and corrupt teens?  As one vampire told us, “Because I can!  Nobody has the power to stop me!”  Well someone did not long after interviewing him.  A vampire slayer who took him down with a vengeance!  It’s time to send a message to fresh faced vampires that we will not tolerate them infiltrating our high schools, and dating our kids any longer.  Why not at least go back to college?  Go find someone your own age or better yet someone of your own species you filthy fiends of the night!

If you’re a parent worried about your teen, and want to protect them against blood sucking Lotharios, then we have a few tips.  Firstly, be very suspicious if your daughter is suddenly dating a brooding guy, with heart felt eyes ,who rarely smiles, and dons an odd Pompadour.   If the guy seems much too caring, attentive, philosophical, and beyond mature for his age then look into his past.  For your son be wary if his latest love interest is way too hot for him.  Female vampires often go for intellectual types with an air of innocence.  So if your computer nerd of a son is suddenly dating an ultra hot chick it’s probably time to douse all his food in garlic!  Either way we recommend heading down to your local church, and getting some holy water.  Then find an excuse to sprinkle some on the suspected vampire, or put a few drops in their drink.  You could also get them to hold a holy cross, or Bible as well.  Vervain is also a herb that causes great pain, and temporary cellular destruction in vampires.  Once you’ve exposed them they will tug at your heart strings, and declare their living dead love for your child.  They will also claim that their existence in your child’s live is essential in order to protect them from various evils that are usually a result of their presence to begin with.  If your teen knows his evil secret then she or he will plead with you to let them date.  Don’t fall for any of it.  Just about every teen who gets involved with a vampire ends up in serious danger along with all their family, and friends.  We don’t recommend dealing with the vampire on your own. Especially with your teen nearby.  They’d never forgive you for staking their boyfriend or girlfriend.  Instead call your local vampire slayer, or paranormal investigations firm to dispatch the ancient teen with extreme prejudice!  Let the pros come in to clean up the vampire, and his paranormal mess.  If you’re lucky they might very well do it for free!  Of course in the end you’re responsible for managing the mental health of your angst ridden heart broken teen.


The Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency

The local New Mexico news report above speaks of the efforts of Hugo Pecos, former director of the Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency, to get a memorial for the agency placed in Albuquerque’s Civic Plaza.  The now extinct agency was a minor agency absorbed into the current Paranormal Defense Agency which is a top secret branch of the Department Of Defense.  The PDA is responsible for most of the so called “Men In Black” and deal in all supernatural beings including aliens, which is at the top of their list as being a threat to the government.   Although the US government has colluded with the “Greys” of Gliese 581c in the past.

When it comes to real supernatural beings, such as vampires, werewolves, zombies, etc, the Paranormal Defense Agency delves more into research for military benefits.  Since in reality these beings aren’t  much of a threat to the government, and rather only a threat to individual citizens, and perhaps whole communities when it comes to zombies.  Since our government is under the control of the planets evil billionaire and royal plutocrats, they’re only interest in self-preservation of their power.  This is especially true at the top secret levels out of the view of common citizens.  In fact the government has developed an artificial zombie virus, based on the supernatural zombie virus, that it may release if the people ever revolted against the unconstitutional regime.  Let us hope this never happens.