After our run in with the poltergeist that ended in a lucky manner due to a Leprechaun I saw Irish jigging away from my house into the Enchanted Woodland, I decided to try and find the lucky little fella and thank him. And of course no St.Patrick’s Day is complete without trying to find a Leprechaun. Mystic Investigations is always closed on St.Patrick’s Day so it was the perfect time to go on a lucky treasure hunt for Leprechauns and possibly pots of magical gold coins. It ended up with us traveling to Ireland. More later on what transpired.
Good Day, And Lucky Patrick’s Day Eve To All! I’m Drake Alexander, Executive Vice-President of Mystic Investigations. Despite the internet being mainstream for over a decade now, I have had virtually no dealings with the information superhighway. So I thought it was time to make my first blog entry. As you may know I was the one responsible for the dispatching of the Star Light Serial Strangler. Although I’d appreciate it if you’d keep that a secret since Comanche County Sheriff Blake Maverick took credit for it with my blessing. I had thought the case was closed and it was a job well done but it seems there’s always some unexpected event over the horizon with many of our investigative cases.
Just as Xavier and Rebecca had a run in with a poltergeist, due to the recent violence of energetic solar and geomagnetic activity, so to did I have a visit from a specter of my own. Generally vampires are rarely targets of a malevolent spirits despite the fact that many have been responsible for violent human deaths. Yes I’m a vampire but luckily nobody will believe me so the admission is easily made without reservation in accordance with The Supernatural Secrecy Pact. I myself was lucky enough to maintain my humanity after being brought across the great living dead expanse into vampirehood. So my blood lust rarely over rode my sense of right and wrong thereby causing needless death. Still I have known many evil murderous vampires who lived for hundreds of years without ever being haunted by a paranormal entity. It could be our demonic DNA repels them. I suppose poltergeists feed off fear, among other things, and a vampire would have no fear of anything except sunlight, all consuming flames, and being staked to a final death.
So last night just after sunset I awoke from my diurnal slumber and had my usual bloody fine breakfast. I then sat by the lit hearth at Alexander Manor enjoying a fine 99 year old Armagnac Brandy as I read A Discovery of Witches By Deborah E. Harkness. Suddenly the flames in the fireplace waved about violently due to an ice cold draft. A draft so cold that the windows formed frost on the inside. Doors began slamming all over my house and the fire finally extinguished from the sheer force of what was now a focused gale force wind. A familiar maniacal laughter could be heard echoing around me. This was a first for me even after existing for 742 years. I had dropped my book, and my brandy shattering the fine crystal glass without even realizing it. I admit the pernicious phantasm put a scare in to me for a second but I regained my composure very quickly. I’ve experienced some horrific things throughout history and no pathetic poltergeist was going to rattle my immortal cage.
As a huge leather couch came flying across the room at me I immediately recognized the deranged cackling as that of the Star Light Serial Strangler who was identified as a man named Abner Cole. It’s beyond rare for a human to die and then become a violent powerful poltergeist. Generally a troubled soul will become a ghost who appears briefly and makes noises but rarely causes any type of major disturbance. Apparently Abner was such a dark soul that he refused to move on to the after life and had the sheer will to manifest himself in a metaphysical manner. I easily dodged the couch, and a huge China cabinet coming from another direction hit me with such force that I was thrust through the wall into the next room. I resisted my natural vampire instincts and remained calm rather than displaying my rage for the poltergeist to feed off of. I then mockingly said,”Oh Abby why are you having such a hissy fit? Can I call you Abby? Abby?” A thunderous roar accompanied by a blazing hot wind, amid the already ice cold room, hit me like a locomotive but I stood firm. A violent voice then screamed,”You will die vampire! I will drag your soul to hell as I bask in the glory of the Dark Master!” I then responded,”Oh Abby why so adversarial? Can’t we just get along? Oh and I should have known you were a sad little Devil worshiper!” At that moment several windows shattered toward me but the sharp shards bounced off my dense supernatural skin. A huge armoire fell through the ceiling and crashed down on to my head. I was forced through the floor into the wine cellar like a nail through a piece of lumber.
I blacked out for about three seconds and felt some pain in my head as I sprung to my feet. Whatever damage I had suffered was healed within seconds as I stood in the dark shadows contemplating what a mess this would all be to clean up. I was also trying to think of a way to deal with this elusive non-corporeal being. I certainly did not want him to win and drive me from my own house. I was also pretty confident that he couldn’t kill me. In that instant the wine cellar appeared to be ablaze with bright orange flames. I was completely surrounded and could feel the heat as Abner’s insane snickering bellowed throughout the room. I was scared for a few seconds since being engulfed in flames is one way for a vampire to be killed but the fire touched my hand with no results. I then knew it was all an illusion and laughed exclaiming,”Your cheap parlor tricks don’t impress me you pathetic little pabulum puking baby boy!” Wine bottles began to fly at me. They shattered against me with no effect except the staining of my clothing. I then leaped from the basement back up to the first floor and rammed through a wall into the kitchen. I was getting angry and couldn’t help it as my facial features displayed my true vampire nature.
As I attempted to call Rob Edmunds, Mystic Investigations resident ghost slayer, my eyes were glowing a furious red with fangs extended. The kitchen windows shattered and some drawers opened. Knives then flew forth upon me. Most of them bounced off leaving minor cuts that healed instantly but one was flung with enough force to stick in my arm. I pulled it out yelled,”Abby boy is that all you got? Seriously I’m embarrassed for you.” I then snickered sadistically and screamed,”Give me more! I love it Abby!” The phone ripped from the wall and I was picked up by the force of the poltergeist and launched through the wall into the library. Abner screamed,”Die you son of a bitch! Die!” I got up from the rubble and the damaged electrical wires in the wall started a fire. This time the fearsome flames were for real. This malicious murderer was going to destroy my marvelous manor and most likely continue to haunt me forever if I should happen to survive. I kept thinking if only I could get my hands around his scrawny neck. Just then a green glittering glow came through the window outside and a book fell off the shelf with the hint of shimmering rainbow aura around it. The pages fanned open to a particular passage that discussed the astral nature of poltergeists. This gave me an idea about astral projection. As a vampire I am already dead. Therefore I should be able to astrally project myself into a temporary astral spirit.
As the walls were bathed in fire the refrigerator flew through the wall and crushed me against the bookcase. I slumped to the floor and played dead even though I wasn’t really hurt. I then called upon ancient Tibetan Buddhist meditation techniques to attempt a super astral projection. I’d done simple astral projection before but with super astral projection I would attempt to skip into the 5th dimension as a true 4-D entity. I entered a deep trance and the last thing I heard was Abner laughing like a loon while announcing with glee,”You’re dead vampire! And now you’re mine!” Within moments the fire engulfed room re-appeared around me and I was standing over my body. I found it interesting that I could see despite seemingly having no eyes or physical body of any sort. I was metaphysical now, and needed to open my eyes to the dimension Abner was in. I then concentrated on my mental interpretation of four dimensional objects which would exist within the 5th dimension just as 3-D objects exist within our 4th dimension. The 5th dimension is where most spirits reside, and cross over into our reality. There they exist in four dimensional form and when they appear here we may see a three dimensional slice of them. For all intents and purposes their seemingly magical powers are in essence merely the properties of their 4-D existence in the dimension above us. We would have the same powers if we accessed a world of 2-D beings.
The room then blurred and disappeared as a void of blackness appeared around me while I focused on my image of Abner. Within what seemed like seconds various indescribable psychedelic colors and forms transformed around me. I looked down and saw I had a body but it was foreign to me. So foreign in fact that I am unable to describe it now that I have a 3-D brain again. However I now know what I was seeing was my 4-D body. Since I was able to not only think but move about as well there was obviously time present. This most likely meant that what some theorize is true. That all higher dimensions have a passage of time that is the dimension one is embedded in. For us it’s the 4th dimension and for ghosts it’s the 5th dimension. Although from our perspective the 5th dimension is considered the dimension of non-space and non-time. A dimension of parallel Universe probability space. The stuff inside wormholes that will eventually allow us three dimensional beings to travel from one corner of the Universe to the other instantly. It could also be that time is simply a natural effect of consciousness in the dimensions above. We certainly know time is real in our 4th dimension otherwise our associate Michael Remington wouldn’t be able to travel through time.
In front of me was another odd 4-D form with it’s back facing me. I could hear him screaming about how he had killed me but his voice sounded odd because I was hearing it as four dimensional metaphysical sound waves or perhaps it was waves of pure thought. I then yelled,”The jokes on you jackass! I killed myself first Abby” The entity of evil swirled around creating a plethora of colors as he shockingly exclaimed,”WHAT!?!” I then punched him in his monstrous face sending him flying into a shimmering wave of iridescent colors. He immediately sprung up from what you might call the ground and attacked me with his flailing 4-D arms. He hit me with great force sending me flying into what appeared to be a 4-D pyramid causing it to disintegrate into nothingness. He came roaring toward me and at that moment I called up every ounce of my vampire rage. I lunged at him and sunk my fangs into his mangled form causing him to scream out in pain. I literally drained his life force from him because clearly no blood was present. Within seconds he began to scatter apart as he screeched,”Nooooooooooo!” He disappeared and I felt as if I’d destroyed his very soul blinking him out of existence for all eternity.
I then felt the searing heat of flames and instantly awoke in my physical body within my fire ridden library. I was extremely disorienting to be back in a 3-D environment again and I was paralyzed. The flames were burning me but just then the ceiling collapsed causing plumbing to burst from above which showered me and the room with cooling water. It shook me out of my paranormal paralysis and I shot through the remaining flames crashing through the wall. I fell upon the lawn lit with my outdoor spot lighting in a bed of unusually silky soft Shamrocks that wasn’t previously there. I then heard a hearty giggle of goodness as I looked and saw a short fellow about 2 feet tall dressed in a green suit. He was doing an Irish jig with a trail of green glittering dust beneath his feet. As he entered the tree line of The Mystical Forest I exclaimed,”Thank you for your luck Mr.Leprechaun!” He let out some more gleeful giggles and disappeared into the forest in a dazzling rainbow light display. I realized it was the luck of the Leprechaun that caused the book to fall off the shelf and give me the idea of astral projection. I was also sure that the burst plumbing saving me in the nick of time was also his fine Irish handy work.
My psychic friend Julia Hathaway had sensed my pain earlier, and suddenly came floating down in the Mystic Sphere with the good witch Rebecca Abernathy. They then hovered over the roof as Rebecca recited an incantation, “Wondrous waters I call unto thee in the name of Goddess Morganna let thy power spring forth and flower in a furious fire fighting tower! Make this fire cower!” Suddenly a clap of loud thunder accompanied a flash of bright blue electrical energy sparkling 10 feet above the roof of my manor. From it a huge torrent of water flowed from mid-air dousing my home. Within minutes the fire was out, and the two women landed on the lawn. The metaphysical energy Mystic Sphere dissipated, and the two women hugged me happy that I was safe, and sound. I then remarked,”Thank the Goddesses for my personal psychic witchcraft fire fighting team!” We all started laughing, and headed toward the house to survey the damage caused by the Star Light Specter.
§ Updated October 2015
For the past few hours I’ve been woken up by subtle unholy howling and chain rattling noises bellowing through Remington Manor. I also could have sworn I heard doors slamming. After checking the house I found everything secure. Naturally Rebecca is still sleeping like a log. So I go back to sleep and thirty minutes later me, along with Rebecca, are jolted from a sound sleep by our bedroom door slamming shut. I then sarcastically say,”Seriously Rebecca your protection spell is really working like a charm.” She didn’t say anything and walked toward the door to go to her basement witch’s lair to re-constitute the spell on our house that’s supposed to protect us from all manner of paranormal entities including ghosts. When the door wouldn’t open for me or her she screamed,’Screw you ghost boy! Ambisagrus I implore thee. Make clear our passage explode your tempest!” White lightening came from her hands and she exploded the door into shreds of wood. I hadn’t seen this amazing display since that time we took on the Friday The 13th Poltergeist last year. As she stormed out of the room I wondered if my homeowners insurance would cover extracting ourselves from being trapped in a room by a ghost through exploding the door via magic spell.
I followed her out and as she reached the top of the steps she fell to her stomach and was dragged down the steps feet first. She reacted quickly and yelled,”magnetic veneficus” as she positioned her hands and arms as if she was doing a push up. Her hand levitation was holding her up enough so as not to be hurt by being dragged down the long flight of steps. She looked up at me and yelled,”You’ve got to be kidding me! This is unbelievable!” Once at the bottom of the steps she was dragged away and I jumped over the balcony at the top of the steps and landed by her feet to stop her which I did for a bit until something launched me against the wall causing a huge dent in the plaster. My arm hurt a little but I was okay while I watched Rebecca being pulled into the kitchen.
Unfortunately I didn’t have any $100,000 quantum level disruption grenades handy. However I had an idea and I grabbed a pyramid shaped crystal from the closet nearby. I then ran to the kitchen but the swinging door wouldn’t budge. After kicking and punching some large holes in it I got through and found Rebecca hanging upside down from the ceiling with a towel in her mouth which effectively prevented her from reciting any spells. I exclaimed,”Wow you’re a tough poltergeist. I’m so impressed..NOT! Actually I think you’re a pathetic sissy who doesn’t have the guts to take me on like a man! I have a Egyptian Channeling Crystal here which will focus the energy from the solar x-rays and geomagnetic activity that’s fueling your presence here. Use it to manifest yourself into a corporeal form. I dare you to but I know you’re nothing but a sad little coward of a spirit.”
I was thrust against the refrigerator with great force as the crystal on the counter lit up with a plethora of rainbow colors and a dark form materialized before me. At first I could see through it. It was an old man with long white hair wearing a gray suit. It looked like something someone would be buried in at their funeral. Soon he materialized into a complete solid corporeal form. I rose up and said,”Let’s play jackass!” The now physical ghost laughed maniacally with an intense look of evil in his bloodshot glowing red eyes. He lunged for my neck but I grabbed and twisted his wrist while punching him in the ribs. I could only hope my kung fu, and ninja skill would be enough to take down this hellish specter of evil. Unfortunately he just laughed and punched me in the head with the other hand knocking me to the floor.
I had only vaguely read about making a angry spirit take corporeal form and hadn’t taken into account that his physical form might not be completely biological or that he might have super strength. I sprung up and round house kicked him in the face causing him to fly across the kitchen counter. He got up immediately, picked up the microwave and threw it at me. It just missed my head as I whipped a knife from a drawer and threw it at him. It hit him square in the chest but it had no effect. He finally spoke some words instead of cackling,”You both will die tonight!” Rebecca then spit the towel out of her mouth and yelled,”Break the crystal!” I snatched it up quick and he screamed,”Noooooooooooo!” I smashed it on the floor into a thousand pieces and he vaporized into wisps of black, gray, and white smoke.
Rebecca fell from the ceiling the instant the poltergeist disappeared and I caught her in my arms in the nick of time. She informed me that once he took physical form he could be eradicated from all Universal existence forever. Although it’s rare for a non-corporeal entity to have enough power to take physical form and then be tricked into taking such a form via a magical artifact. Apparently we lucked out due to it being so close to St.Patrick’s along with our proximity to the Enchanted Woodland. We suspected a Leprechauns was afoot spreading good luck about. We heard a jolly little giggle coming from the backyard. As we looked out we saw a little fella wearing a bright green suit, and hat. The little guy was no taller than 2 feet or so doing an Irish jig into the Enchanted Woodland. Green sparkling dust dazzled about his feet as he disappeared into the mystical foliage. I opened the window and yelled out,’Thank you little Leprechaun man!”
Rebecca then went to her lair in the basement to strengthen the protection spell on our house which was only broken due to the recent violence of unusually high solar activity and geomagnetic field storms. I started to clean up the mess around the manor. Minutes later Rebecca returned to help. After we cleaned up what we could we still weren’t tired and decided to get out of the house and go to the 24 Hour Lumberjack Roadhouse on Forest View Lane for an early breakfast. I hoped there wouldn’t be an incident like the last time I went there early in the morning. After breakfast we’ll probably watch the sunrise while driving through the rustic countryside of Woodland Springs. Then we will most likely sleep all day Saturday.