For the past few hours I’ve been woken up by subtle unholy howling and chain rattling noises bellowing through Remington Manor. I also could have sworn I heard doors slamming. After checking the house I found everything secure. Naturally Rebecca is still sleeping like a log. So I go back to sleep and thirty minutes later me, along with Rebecca, are jolted from a sound sleep by our bedroom door slamming shut. I then sarcastically say,”Seriously Rebecca your protection spell is really working like a charm.” She didn’t say anything and walked toward the door to go to her basement witch’s lair to re-constitute the spell on our house that’s supposed to protect us from all manner of paranormal entities including ghosts. When the door wouldn’t open for me or her she screamed,’Screw you ghost boy! Ambisagrus I implore thee. Make clear our passage explode your tempest!” White lightening came from her hands and she exploded the door into shreds of wood. I hadn’t seen this amazing display since that time we took on the Friday The 13th Poltergeist last year. As she stormed out of the room I wondered if my homeowners insurance would cover extracting ourselves from being trapped in a room by a ghost through exploding the door via magic spell.
I followed her out and as she reached the top of the steps she fell to her stomach and was dragged down the steps feet first. She reacted quickly and yelled,”magnetic veneficus” as she positioned her hands and arms as if she was doing a push up. Her hand levitation was holding her up enough so as not to be hurt by being dragged down the long flight of steps. She looked up at me and yelled,”You’ve got to be kidding me! This is unbelievable!” Once at the bottom of the steps she was dragged away and I jumped over the balcony at the top of the steps and landed by her feet to stop her which I did for a bit until something launched me against the wall causing a huge dent in the plaster. My arm hurt a little but I was okay while I watched Rebecca being pulled into the kitchen.
Unfortunately I didn’t have any $100,000 quantum level disruption grenades handy. However I had an idea and I grabbed a pyramid shaped crystal from the closet nearby. I then ran to the kitchen but the swinging door wouldn’t budge. After kicking and punching some large holes in it I got through and found Rebecca hanging upside down from the ceiling with a towel in her mouth which effectively prevented her from reciting any spells. I exclaimed,”Wow you’re a tough poltergeist. I’m so impressed..NOT! Actually I think you’re a pathetic sissy who doesn’t have the guts to take me on like a man! I have a Egyptian Channeling Crystal here which will focus the energy from the solar x-rays and geomagnetic activity that’s fueling your presence here. Use it to manifest yourself into a corporeal form. I dare you to but I know you’re nothing but a sad little coward of a spirit.”
I was thrust against the refrigerator with great force as the crystal on the counter lit up with a plethora of rainbow colors and a dark form materialized before me. At first I could see through it. It was an old man with long white hair wearing a gray suit. It looked like something someone would be buried in at their funeral. Soon he materialized into a complete solid corporeal form. I rose up and said,”Let’s play jackass!” The now physical ghost laughed maniacally with an intense look of evil in his bloodshot glowing red eyes. He lunged for my neck but I grabbed and twisted his wrist while punching him in the ribs. I could only hope my kung fu, and ninja skill would be enough to take down this hellish specter of evil. Unfortunately he just laughed and punched me in the head with the other hand knocking me to the floor.
I had only vaguely read about making a angry spirit take corporeal form and hadn’t taken into account that his physical form might not be completely biological or that he might have super strength. I sprung up and round house kicked him in the face causing him to fly across the kitchen counter. He got up immediately, picked up the microwave and threw it at me. It just missed my head as I whipped a knife from a drawer and threw it at him. It hit him square in the chest but it had no effect. He finally spoke some words instead of cackling,”You both will die tonight!” Rebecca then spit the towel out of her mouth and yelled,”Break the crystal!” I snatched it up quick and he screamed,”Noooooooooooo!” I smashed it on the floor into a thousand pieces and he vaporized into wisps of black, gray, and white smoke.
Rebecca fell from the ceiling the instant the poltergeist disappeared and I caught her in my arms in the nick of time. She informed me that once he took physical form he could be eradicated from all Universal existence forever. Although it’s rare for a non-corporeal entity to have enough power to take physical form and then be tricked into taking such a form via a magical artifact. Apparently we lucked out due to it being so close to St.Patrick’s along with our proximity to the Enchanted Woodland. We suspected a Leprechauns was afoot spreading good luck about. We heard a jolly little giggle coming from the backyard. As we looked out we saw a little fella wearing a bright green suit, and hat. The little guy was no taller than 2 feet or so doing an Irish jig into the Enchanted Woodland. Green sparkling dust dazzled about his feet as he disappeared into the mystical foliage. I opened the window and yelled out,’Thank you little Leprechaun man!”
Rebecca then went to her lair in the basement to strengthen the protection spell on our house which was only broken due to the recent violence of unusually high solar activity and geomagnetic field storms. I started to clean up the mess around the manor. Minutes later Rebecca returned to help. After we cleaned up what we could we still weren’t tired and decided to get out of the house and go to the 24 Hour Lumberjack Roadhouse on Forest View Lane for an early breakfast. I hoped there wouldn’t be an incident like the last time I went there early in the morning. After breakfast we’ll probably watch the sunrise while driving through the rustic countryside of Woodland Springs. Then we will most likely sleep all day Saturday.
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