Roadhouse Roughhousing

I was having a bit of insomnia so I decided to go out for a drive at 4:00 AM.  I could smell the aroma of breakfast in the air which led me to the 24 Hour Lumberjack Roadhouse just off Old Mill Road on Forestview Lane. I walked into the warm confines of the log cabin style establishment which exuded a pleasant aroma of pine lumber, fresh roasted coffee, and an assortment of breakfast foods cooking.  I sat down at one of the wood picnic tables and read the menu.  There was only a table with three lumberjacks, a fat man who most likely drove the Semi out front, and my neighbor Tiffany Sanders who was eating some blueberry waffles.   I walked over and said,”You couldn’t sleep either?” and she said,”Yeah my birds wouldn’t stop squawking.”  We laughed and then she asked if I’d like to join her for breakfast.

Tiffany of course lives next door to me and Rebecca.  Some months ago we had saved her from being kidnapped by thugs hired by her ex-husband.  The buxom waitress Kelly Ann took my order and then Tiffany told me about a possible zombie rabbit she had seen in her backyard last night.  I reassured her that even if it was a zombie rabbit, it would most likely go after other rabbits rather than humans.  My order came and I heartily ate a stack of steaming hot flapjacks dripping with maple syrup and scoop of creamy butter on top. I also had a side order of hash browns, and a buttermilk biscuit with butter and strawberry jelly. I washed it all down with a tall cold glass of milk. We  paid our bill and I left a big tip for Kelly.

As we were leaving I heard Kelly Ann scream,”Stop that you bastard!” A big brute wearing a plaid shirt kept pinching her ass and was laughing as he grabbed her and said,”Oh you know you love it baby!” Two other guys wearing plaid shirts were laughing nearby. I assume they were lumberjacks who worked at the lumber mill nearby. I then walked over and said,”Hey puke why don’t you step your fat ass off and get a life!” He then got up in my face and said,”Make me you son of a bitch!” I then kicked him in the balls and knocked him in the face with my knee as he buckled over. He fell flat on his ass as his two buddies ran over and took swings at me. They missed and I roundhouse kicked both of them in the head simultaneously causing one to fall on the floor while the other one fell on top of a table causing it to crack. I then said,”Get the hell out of here! If I see you plaid wearing punks in here again I’m going to turn you all into paraplegics!” They then got up and scrambled for the door. I could hear them speeding away in a crappy pick up truck.

Kelly thanked me for my chivalry and gave me a hug as Tiffany lamented that she hadn’t had that much excitement since the kidnapping attempt.  I gave Kelly $200 for any damages and we all said goodbye.  I drove away down Old Mill Road when suddenly a pick up truck kept flashing their brights behind me.   As I sped up they kept up with me.  I could hear men screaming expletives out their window at me.  I then knew it was the three lumberjacks.  They had been waiting for me to leave to get revenge.  Apparently I was too easy on them and hadn’t completely instilled the fear of God within their dark hearts devoid of any redeemable humanity.  I then knew what I had to do as I sped off Old Mill Road in excess of 80 mph.

The fools began honking their horn in concert with flashing their brights while still yelling as I led them into the heart of the Mystical Forest down Mystical Road.  The paved road ended at a covered wood bridge and turned into a narrow crushed stone road called Alexander Parkway.  That gave way to a dirt road which ended at a cobblestone driveway of a brightly lit mansion.  As I entered the driveway honking my own horn a gun shot blasted out my back window.  I grabbed my own gun hidden in a secret compartment under the radio console and leaped from my car as I shot off a round at the front of the pick up blasting out their windshield.  I then ran for the front door of the mansion as the men exited the vehicle.  One carrying  a shot gun which he fired at me while yelling,”Die you son of a bitch!”  I hit the deck and landed in some bushes but the blast hit a man who exited the front door.

It was a direct hit to the heart of the man but he didn’t fall down.  In fact the shot gun blast barely made him move as he yelled,”You ruined my shirt you filthy fiend!”  It was Drake Alexander, the 742 year old Scottish vampire. The men looked shocked as Drake looked down at me on the ground.  I then said,”Sorry to bring this mess to your doorstep Drake but these bastards really need to be taught a lesson they will never forget.”  Drake nodded and smiled.  Suddenly his eyes glowed yellow with rage as his fangs grew forth and he deeply let off an animal life growl.  One of the men then said,”Oh shiotzu!”

The man with the shot gun then began shooting at Drake frantically as he screamed,”Die! Die! Die!”  Drake walked toward him in a menacing manner grabbing the gun from him and bending it into a pretzel shape.  He then picked up the man with one hand and thew him up into a tree.  The other two men ran away screaming like girls but Drake moved so fast that he was in front of them before they got past their pick-up.  The other ran back and dove in the truck and started it.  Drake pushed the man in front of him with such force that he flew 20 feet away and landed next to me.  He was out cold and the truck was burning rubber yet it  was going nowhere.  Drake was holding the back of the truck with both his hands.  You could tell it was taking a lot of effort as the man floored the accelerator with no results.

I then ran over and pointed my gun into the drivers side window and he stopped.  Drake then stuck his head into the window and snarled at the man causing him to wet his pants.  He began begging for his life as Drake said,”You’re pathetic.”  We then rounded the men up and told them to go home pack and leave Woodland Springs forever because they were no longer welcome here.  They got the message loud and clear as they sped away.  Drake and I laughed as we went inside and played a game of billards.  He opened a bottle of fine wine from 1836 and told me tales of his friend President Andrew Jackson.  Soon the sun was rising and I decided to head home.  After such an eventful night I’m now ready to sleep.  I don’t think I’ll go to work until noon.  I’m the President of Mystic Investigations after all.

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