The Christmas Adventures Of Fraggle The Enchanted Elf

Santa Sends His Best Elf To Run Mystic Investigations

The executive staff at Mystic Investigations works hard all year running the office, conducting paranormal research projects, and battling the forces of supernatural evil in the field. So we really look forward to our longest and most cherished of vacations every year. That being our surreal stay at Santa Claus’s winter wonderland. During our tremendous time at Old Saint Nick’s North Pole City amid Christmas 2017, we were given the option to have an Executive Elf man our supernatural post as it were. We happily took that option even though the peaceful Christmas season brings us the least paranormal cases. Still, we wanted someone with a measure of paranormal power to be here just in case things went south. Fraggle The Elf was sent to us here in Woodland Springs, Colorado by Santa Claus who is a powerful Demi-Angel force for good on Earth.  I, Xavier Remington, made Fraggle temporary Mystic Investigations President with full authority to run the business as he saw fit.  All our personnel are not fully aware of the wondrous world of the supernatural so we’ve only told them we’re going on a business trip up north. They believe Fraggle is my vertically challenged cousin.

We’d never met Fraggle at the North Pole on past visits because most of his work lies in the outside world. When we first met the little fella, who was barely 2′ 10″, we thought it would be best for him to change out of his tiny green Elf costume before meeting our non-executive employees who would not be traveling to the North Pole. Thankfully Santa had the foresight to send an adorable little business suit with Fraggle. Otherwise, we would have had to take him to a tailor, or a toddler store. LOL!  In addition, Santa gave him an Enochian Angel magic ear glamouring spell to hide his pointy elfin ears.  However at any point, he could appear in his Elf uniform with his real ears, and simply claim it was a costume to celebrate Christmas.

When we first introduced him to everyone the reactions ranged from snickers to slight shock.  I angrily intervened, and said,”Fraggle is family and a serious businessman! I expect you to give him the full respect you’ve shown me over the years!  I also hope you will not discriminate against him due to his vertically challenged status. Everyone should be aware that I’ve given him the authority to reprimand and even fire insubordinate personnel! Fraggle you have the floor, sir!”  Everyone had serious looks on their faces until he spoke in a voice that almost sounded like he’d sucked air from a helium balloon! Naturally quite a few people started laughing again. I immediately cleared my throat loudly, and it died down. Elves do have comical voices from our perspective. One employee whispered,”He sounds like Alvin the Chipmunk!” I glared at them and they fell silent staring at the floor.  Fraggle then said,”I’m honored to hold the position of Mystic Investigations President and I look forward to getting to know each, and every one of you during my short stay here. Together we will fight the nefarious forces of darkness, and help those in need. This I vow in the holy name of Saint Nicholas!  Are there any questions?”  One of our Administrative Assistants responded,”Oh gosh aren’t you just the cutest little thing ever!  May I please give you a hug?”  Fraggle replied,”You sure may sweet miss!”  She picked him up and hugged him. There were some snickers again but I let it pass as the little fella let out gleeful giggles while in the beautiful woman’s arms. His face snuggled sweetly in her ample bosoms!

I showed the enchanted Elf around the office and offered to let him stay at the home of Senior Vice-President Rebecca Abernathy, and I. Our home is known as Remington Manor. However, he said he would make a cozy blanket nest under my desk where he would be working.  As the executive staff and I walked out the front of Mystic Investigations headquarters Fraggle held a mug of eggnog in one hand.  I can assure you it was the tiniest mug you’ve ever seen!  It had a photo of the real Santa Claus and Mrs.Claus on it.  I shook his hand goodbye with one of my fingers, and we all left for the airport.  As we were driving away I saw him hopping up several times trying to reach the door handle.  Splashes of eggnog were flying out of his mug, and then someone opened the door causing him to fall to the snowy ground spilling it all over his business suit.  I was thinking,”Oh my God please let Mystic Investigations exist when I get back!”

The Elf Suit Cleaning Fiasco

Unfortunately, Fraggle only had the one suit so he quickly ran to the restroom as a few employees stared at the Lilliputian scurrying about with eggnog splatters dripping down him.  Once in the supposed privacy of the restroom, he took the footstool out from under the sink. We put one in every bathroom and in other places as well so the elegant elf could reach things with dignity.  Fraggle climbed on the counter and filled a sink with warm water after capping the drain. He then took some Christmasy stuff out of his pockets before taking off his entire suit, shirt, and tie that he then plunged into the sink.  He was left wearing nothing but his bright red socks speckled with white snowflakes and dark green leather shoes since Elves don’t wear underwear.  One of the contents of his pockets was a small vile of water with a cross and Santa’s face on it.  It was, in fact, holy water blessed by Santa himself. Certainly, water blessed by a half-Angel Saint would be extremely powerful.  He dumped it in with the rest of the water, and recited a holy incantation,”By the power vested in me by Saint Nicholas I hereby bless this vessel of water, and everything in it pure as the wind driven snow.”  There was a brief flash of bright white light! When it fell dim the suit was miraculously clean without even a trace of eggnog in the water.

Fraggle had his suit hanging by the electric hand dryer while he still stood clothing free on the counter admiring his elfish form in the mirror. He pressed the button to the turn the machine on and then pranced and danced up and down the counter hopping over sinks while singing “Jingle Bells“. Every so often he would tap the auto off dryer to keep it going. He was having quite a grand time engulfed in the enchantment of the Christmas Spirit until he was interrupted. A female client walked in the unisex lobby restroom with no lock on it. Both she and the Elf froze in shock for a moment with eyes locked in disbelief. Suddenly she ran out screaming,”Oh my God there’s a naked munchkin in the bathroom!”  Fraggle was so startled that he leaped right into the ceiling puncturing a hole that caused plaster to rain about. All along he was bellowing,”Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” Fortunately, Elves have superhuman abilities and he wasn’t hurt.

The client fled the building and our Receptionist cautiously crept into the restroom to see what was going on. She had seen Fraggle go in there and quietly said,”Ah Mr. Fraggle are you in here? Is everything okay sir?” Fraggle was hiding behind a toilet in one of the stalls trying to calm himself down after the unexpected scare. He remained silent after the Receptionist repeatedly called out to him. Then he finally muttered,”I’m peachy keen. I’ll be out in flash. Please put an Out Of Order sign on the door before you dash.” She did and Fraggle ended up taking a relaxing dip in the cool toilet while his suit finished drying. Thankfully Elves can’t catch diseases so he had nothing to fear from his toilet bowl diving. There’s also the fact that we have high tech toilets that steam clean themselves with a bleach solution. Minutes later he strolled out wearing his crisp clean suit with pride. Pride that fell short when he couldn’t reach the elevator button and then proceeded to crawl up the steps to my office on the second floor.

Fraggle Greets Santa Claus On His Christmas Deliveries

On Christmas Eve little Fraggle went to my home at Remington Manor to make sure all was well. Decked out in his green elf costume he lit the hearth and Christmas tree with great care before strolling about the house while saying a prayer. As Midnight approached he dove into the hearth without any hint of a burn! The enchanted elf scaled the chimney at super speed and stood on the slick icy roof without concern. There he awaited the arrival of Old Saint Nick. Sure enough, the sound of sleigh bells ringing caused him to jump up and down with glee. Unfortunately, he lost his footing and began to slide down the roof of the three-story mansion. As he reached the roof’s edge he landed right into Santa’s sleigh pulled by nine enchanted reindeer. They landed on my roof as Santa asked, “Merry Christmas my sweet little Elf! Is all going well?” Fraggle replied,”Yes Santa! The Mystic Investigations team will return to find their business in tip-top shape!” Santa responded,”Excellent! I knew I could count on you to make me proud Fraggle! I already gave Xavier and Rebecca their gifts at the North Pole but here’s one for you!”  The elated elf excitedly ripped open his gift as the two helper elves in the sleigh looked on with smiling faces.  It was a new bottle of holy water and a packet of Tide Pods. Santa then said,”Silly Elf holy water is for serious situations! And always find a place with a locked door before disrobing!” Fraggle nodded in agreement as everyone giggled. Santa Claus is the closest thing to a physical God on Earth as he really does see all! That is how he creates his Naughty And Nice List!

Fraggle bid Santa farewell as his sleigh flew to the next house. Back down the chimney, the elated elf went. He sat by the Christmas tree and warm fireplace for an hour before putting the flames out and leaving the manor. He headed back toward downtown and Mystic Investigations headquarters as it began to lightly snow. He ran across a homeless man scavenging through a dumpster. Fraggle tugged on his coat as the scruffy bearded middle-aged man looked down with surprise at the little Elf who said,”May the Spirit Of Christmas dwell in your heart and bring you luck in the New Year, my good sir!” He then handed the man a handful of pure gold coins engraved with the image of Saint Nicholas and the Capitol building at North Pole City. They were legal tender there and were derived from Leprechaun gold. The man was elated as tears of joy welled up in his eyes. He eagerly thanked the little fella and even picked him up to give him a hug. The tiny elf chuckled and then scurried off once he was put back on the ground. Behind him, his left his cute tiny footprints and a trail of lucky Elf Dust. It turns out that the coins were easily worth over $8000 but the luck imbued upon them was priceless. Our Psychic Julia Hathaway saw the mans future. Twelve years from now he becomes a millionaire business owner who heavily donates to help the homeless!

The Copy Machine Incident

The day after Christmas the copy machine began spitting out paper everywhere. Because of the holidays it was going to take time to get a repairman out. Fraggle told the employees he would get the job done. As one of Santa’s Elves, he was an expert at building and fixing all kinds of things. An hour later the entire copy machine was strewn across the floor in over 100 parts!  A guy from our IT department we recently hired came in and said,”What in the blue Hell!” Fraggle then covered his ears,”You said the H word!” Put 25 cents in the swear jar!” Yes, Fraggle put a swear jar in the lobby and had ordered no filthy language to be spoken. The IT guy laughed and said,”Hell isn’t a swear word pal! Man, you totally wrecked the copy machine, you little idiot!”  Fraggle stood up with his hands on his hips and a scowl on his face,”Listen, buddy, I’m trying to figure out how this giant camera machine works. By the power of Frosty The Snowman, I’ll fix this thingamajig! Also, I regret to inform you that you’re fired!” The man angrily replied,”You can’t fire me, runt! Only his almighty Lordship Xavier Remington can! I’m going back to work!”

He started walking away cackling like a smart ass until Fraggle grabbed his leg and dragged him through the building at super speed right out the front door! The man was shocked as he rested on the snowy parking lot rather dizzy and disoriented. Fraggle then said,”This hurts me more than it hurts you, buddy! You don’t have the Spirit Of Christmas in your heart. I know when you’ve been naughty and when you’ve been nice. Let me just say you’ve been very naughty here and outside of work as well. What you do to those women you meet at the taverns is atrocious!”  The guy responded,”What the f**k! You been spying on me you little bastard!?!” Suddenly Fraggle’s face turned beet red as steam literally came out of his tiny ears that popped back to being pointed. He screamed,”Oh pooping peppermint barks I banish you from this property! Be gone you despicable Devil!” The man chuckled and said,”Hey screw you you little s**t!” Fraggle bending on one knee lifted the man up and firmly placed him upon his knee as best he could. He began spanking him while bellowing,”You naughty boy! Naughty! NAUGHTY!”  The man yelled,”What the hell are you doing!” He was helpless against the Elf’s super strength while Fraggle yelled,”Stop swearing or I’ll wash your mouth out with Santa soap!”

Soon a crowd of employees gathered behind him. Fraggle turned around and was mortified at the spectacle he created. He let the guy go and he immediately ran away to his car crying before speeding away. Fraggle then silently re-entered the building and kept a low profile the rest of the day. Thankfully he spent the night putting the copy machine back together and it was working perfectly the next morning. In fact, it miraculously created 3-D images when it doesn’t have that capability! Also for the record, I was already on the verge of firing that IT guy due to his performance and how he treated others with disdain.

Enchanted Elf vs Nasty Gnome

A few days later things got busy and a family called about a Gnome taking up residence in their basement. He refused to leave and kept trying to break through the door at the top of the steps. He loudly screeched he wanted to eat their kids! That is what Gnome’s do after all. Nobody else was available so Fraggle went to the house. He marched in with full Elf gear on as he confidently claimed all would be well. The family was worried the minute man would be eaten alive by the monstrous little Gnome in the basement.  Fraggle cautiously walked down the creaky steps into the dark basement that smelled of minty tobacco. Most Gnomes smoke a mystical mint….To Be Continued Before Christmas…Little Fraggle also dealt with a Werewolf on the New Year’s 2018 Supermoon along with a demon worshiping biker gang that stormed Mystic Investigations headquarters!

The Terrenceville Terrors

Ghostly TownSomewhere in Southwest Colorado lies the forgotten ghost town of Terrenceville where a nearby Insane Asylum was de-funded by the State Government in 1903. Asylum Director Shawn Adams let loose all the kooks rather than cooperating with a procedural transfer to another facility. It was an act of revenge for the loss of his prestigious job.  Most of the patients went missing, and were never seen again!  Out of embarrassment the State deep-sixed the entire debacle, and covered up the interesting incident which was easy enough before the advent of modern mass media.  It was rumored the patient’s hid among the abandoned buildings of Terrenceville, and inbred with each other along with tourists they kidnapped.  Over the past century various people have claimed missing tourists, and local residents ended up the victims of the mentally ill ghost town populace. Inspection of the town by various law enforcement agencies yielded no sign of any so called residents. So the Terrenceville terrors were always touted as an urban legend.  Mainly by high school, and college students looking to frighten each other. In some cases merchants in nearby communities bolstered the story of the loony bin town to increase tourism.  Now the tales of terror this town has inspired have finally been confirmed as true by us here at Mystic Investigations!

Some of the Mystic Investigations Team barreled down the dusty highway at high noon in the Mystic RV heading back to Woodland Springs, Colorado from a supernatural symposium in Farmington, New Mexico.  It had been a productive two day meeting of paranormal professionals from around the Southwest United States. At the wheel was Mystic Investigations President Xavier Remington. That would indeed be me! Research Assistant, and Werewolf Seth Morgan came up with the brilliant idea to take a shortcut through Terrenceville for a brief impromptu investigation of our own.  Unfortunately none of us had ever heard the urban legend when I said why not, and maneuvered down the tumbleweed ridden dirt road.  We were all eager to get home for Memorial Day Weekend but our curiosity got the better of us!  As we spotted the ghost town ahead both front tires blew loudly, and I hit the brakes.  The RV skidded further, and then the back tires blew as well! Upon inspection we discovered rusty old railroad spikes semi-buried in the dirt road.  We only had one spare tire, and as usual those pesky cell phones can’t get any signal when you really need them the most.  So we decided to wait until our Executive-Vice President Drake Alexander woke up from under the hidden compartment in the floor safely away from the sunlight.  Once a vampire is in a deep sleep he’s impossible to wake-up!  Especially if he’s in the Astral Dream Plane visiting with other vampire spirits from around the world.  We did try to shake him awake but it was no use. The intent was to have him run at super vampire speed to the nearest town, and get a tow truck. Or possibly hoist the whole RV on his back with us inside, and then carry it to town. However that was probably somewhat outside his strength range as a 5th generation vampire.  Certainly his vampire mother Duanna Sargon, a 4th generation vampire, could have accomplished it!

On this trip it was just me, Drake, Seth, our Cryptozoologist, and Demi-Zombie Doctor Ashley Abercrombie (Seth’s Girlfriend), Investigator Elizabeth Weatherly, and Ghost Buster Rob Edmunds.  Back at Mystic Investigations Headquarters Senior Vice-President & Demi-Mermaid Witch Rebecca Abernathy was left in command.  It was 8 AM so we had a good amount of time to kill before sunset.  We scattered to explore the abandoned community that sprung up during the 1800’s as a mining town as evidenced by the nearby rusty railroad tracks presumably leading to an old mine.  Only Seth, and Ashley stayed together while the rest of us went off alone. Elizabeth Weatherly was a British stowaway on the infamous sinking 1912 Titanic when my time traveling brother Michael Remington brought her to the future.  She had read about the old west, and hoped to see it along with the rest of the United States when she was on her way here aboard the ill fated Titanic.  She entered a Curio Shop, and was surprised to find a few antiques still lying around.  It was odd nobody had stolen them all these years, and they were without dust as if just placed there.

She opened a music box that played a most macabre sounding tune.  Suddenly she heard the floor creak. She turned around to see what appeared to be a disfigured looking teenager with one eye far larger than the other.  Elizabeth shrieked, and ran out of the shop only to see an otherwise beautiful looking young woman with a full on beard skipping, and dancing toward her in a disturbing manner while holding her long skirt.  She was singing a song about slicing people up while displaying a sinister smile.  Elizabeth screamed,”Help!”, and was about to run down the main street when a big brute carrying a bloody ax came strolling across the street toward her.  She instead bolted in between the buildings frantically but was met by the disfigured boy, and an even more horrifying looking individual who resembled the Elephant Man.  Her howls for help fell silent as the bearded woman came up behind her, and placed her hand over Elizabeth’s mouth.  The bearded lady then whispered in her ear,”Be silent sweetheart or your friends will die long agonizing deaths. You’re a member of our family now!  Earl John seriously needs a wife.”  A somewhat less than savory looking man, yet not deformed, stepped up from behind Elephant boy, and said,”She’s mighty pretty! Oh might pretty indeed!”  The ax wielding behemoth named Jeb arrived next to the bearded woman, and said to her,”The future father of your unborn child must have heard the screams.  He’s running this way!”

Rob Edmunds ran into the alley between the wood buildings but found nobody. However he noticed the dirt freshly scuffed about indicating someone had been there recently.  He spun around to find the motley crew of societal rejects.  Rob was then instantly met with the butt of an axe to the face courtesy of the the muscular 7 foot tall Jeb!   Out cold he eventually awoke in a dark room with mouth gagged, and hands tied to a squeaky old bed.  The bearded lady named Shelly Ann tending to his head wound.  She silently reassured him,”Shhhhh honey we’re together now.  If you treat me right I might shave my beard off for the honeymoon.”  Rob lie there thinking,”Oh God please shave that thing off if I have to go through with this!” LOL!

I was in the saloon looking around imagining a piano playing, card games taking place Old West Saloonamong cowboys, and gunfights being instigated.  I did think it was interesting that the place looked rather clean when there was an open door letting dust blow in. A small tumbleweed even blew in while I was there.  I was looking into the shattered mirror in back of the bar when I saw the axe wielding giant Jeb behind me.  I said,”Well hello there big fella?  Are you with the Welcome Wagon?”  He ran at me roaring ready to ax me good but I thew two Ninja stars at him rapid fire. One hit his hand causing the axe to fall to the floor.  He fell to his knees, and I roundhouse kicked him in the face causing him to fall backward. I hopped over his hulking form, and ran on to Main Street.  Before I knew it a swarm of freaks came out of various buildings holding large sticks, and sharp implements. One even had a pitchfork!  I then declared,”I never felt so welcome in a town before. The love I’m feeling right now is really heartwarming guys.  Seriously I’m feeling a special connection here!”  Yes in dangerous situations I often act like a smart ass. It’s a defense mechanism. LOL!  They ran at me screaming with crazed looks in their deranged eyes!  I then utilized my special martial arts mix of Kung Fu, and Ninjutsu to let loose my fists of fury, and crushing kicks amid my flying Ninja stars, and throwing knives.

As I fought the mob off I grabbed a broom handle from one of them, and began swinging it around wildly batting them away.  These wayward wackos were coming out of the woodwork in droves, and a whack to the back of the head brought my epic battle to an end!  I awoke on a wood floor with my head aching in what appeared to be a jail with one of my legs chained to the wall.  The sunlight filtered through the boarded up windows with the shadow of the axe loving jerk named Jeb sitting nearby.  Once he saw I was awake he walked over with a menacing look on his face, and said,”If you weren’t already promised to my sister Sue Ellen I’d rip your guts out, and feed them to my hogs!”  I replied,”Oh for joy! You’re the dream brother-in-law I always wanted you big bastard!”  He literally rattled my cage, and roared like an enraged gorilla while unlocking the jail cell. I got up, and he punched me in the gut causing me double over back onto the floor. I then muttered,”May I have another sir?” He then kicked me in the stomach, and I barely replied,”Awwww God thank you! I loooooove it!”  He let out a guttural roar again before locking the cell, and stomping out of the building slamming the door behind him.  I sat on floor allowing my head wound to rapidly heal as all my injuries inexplicably seemed to do since I was a child. This despite the fact that our Cryptozoologist Ashley Abercrombie certified I wasn’t supernatural in any way.  Once I was back to full fighting ability I planned to escape, and save my team members.

Seth, and Ashley went to the outskirts of the town following the railroad tracks as they indulged in their romance holding hands in the desert like wild west outdoors.  They entered a dark mine shaft as Seth joked,”Let’s see if we can find some gold to make a ring for you!”  They giggled amid the darkness that they could see in since Seth had enhanced Werewolf eyesight, and Ashley had a more limited ability with her Demi-Zombie vision.  Seth was by no means in control of his Lycanthrope transformations, and was beholden to the Full Moon.  However in human form he did have enhanced strength, speed, agility, and senses.  Still nowhere near that of our 5th generation vampire associate Drake Alexander who still lie asleep under the floors of the Mystic RV in a sealed special tank to prevent him from burning to flames in the light of the holy sun!

Meanwhile a group of nutty Terrenceville citizens entered our RV scavenging it for supplies.  A man named Thomas Allen, the Mayor, and leader of the morons, said,”After you pick this bastard clean get the tractor, and pull this thing out by the barn.  I think it’s high time I had a proper Mayor’s office!”  Drake Alexander deep in vampire sleep was in the astral plane visiting various vampire blood relations including his vampire Mother Duanna Sargon who was currently sleeping in a New York City penthouse. He was unaware of the nefarious happenings going on above him nor in the ghost town around him.

Seth, and Ashley found an ore cart on some tracks.  Seth said,”Hey let’s ride this thing!Abandoned Mineshaft Looks like fun!” Ashley replied,”Why not!”  He shoved it off with them inside, and further down the sloping mine shaft they went. They pulled out their trusty LED pen flashlights as every remnant of daylight disappeared  At the end of the line they climbed out, and headed down a side tunnel because they both smelled something peculiar. The tunnel opened up into a larger cavern. There they witnessed the horrific sight of over a century’s worth of rotting beheaded corpses, and skeletons riddled about the cave.  Seth commented,”Man this is jacked up in a major way!”  They decided to head back, and tell the others about what they found.  Unfortunately they didn’t get far as bright lights were switched on, and a group of loony locals were blocking the way out with sinister smiles on their sick faces!

An old woman wearing creepy mime make-up said,”You really shouldn’t have come down here.  We can’t really let you leave now.  By the way how on Earth could you see in here with those small flashlights?”  Seth replied,”Oh I’m a Werewolf, and my girlfriend here is a human-zombie hybrid.”  The old woman wasn’t amused while some laughed, and a few of the younger ones acted scared.  She turned to the frightened ones, and said,”Don’t fret! They’re just silly sacrifices for our Director Lord Savior The Shawn Adams.”  She pointed toward a side chamber as the pitch fork, and sharp stick wielding clan marched forward.  They all ended up in a room with some despicable looking religious altar that had the well preserved body of a man in a black business suit embalmed inside a glass case filled wtih clear liquid.  The old woman continued,”He released our ancestors from the very bowels of hell itself!”  Ashley replied,”I bet you mean a mental institution don’t you?”  She saw some documents on the altar indicating who the man was. The old woman screeched,”Shut up, and be grateful for the privilege of being a sacrifice to The Shawn Adams!”  The normally well reserved, and respectful Dr. Abercrombie then replied,”I’m more grateful for having the privilege of punching you in the face!”  At that moment Ashley did just that, and Seth joined the fray in the chamber of horrors! Clearly the group was taken by surprise at the enhanced abilities of this unusual paranormal dynamic duo.  Seth heard more people coming down the mineshaft, and they both ran in order to prevent being trapped. On the way up they fought through more townsfolk.  Seth picking up a number of men, and tossing them aside.  The attackers looked shocked at how easily a small girl like Ashley could knock them to the ground.  Once out of the mine they fled the scene quickly!

Unfortunately the group in the Mystic RV managed to find the controls to open the hidden compartments including the weapons cache.  The Mayor now holding a machine gun along with the rest of his now well armed group cut Seth, and Ashley off at the pass.  The Mayor then coldly yelled,”Kill them now!”  Bullets flew everywhere riddling the bodies of both Seth, and Ashley before they could spring away.  Their lifeless bodies were then returned to the mine shaft altar for “proper sacrificing” as the Mayor put it.

Back in the jail I heard the mass gunfire, and picked the old lock on the rusty chain around my leg with a hidden tool I always carry with me.  I picked the cell door lock as well, and then easily kicked down the old wood door of the jailhouse along with beating the ever loving hell out of guy standing guard!  I ran in the direction of the gunfire to witness Ashley, and Seth being dragged away leaving a trail of blood behind.  Although I wasn’t particularly alarmed as I was rather sure they were still alive. You can’t kill a Werewolf nor a half-zombie with mere bullets! There was however a part of me that wondered if any of them shot the one gun that was loaded with silver bullets!  If that was the case then Seth was a goner for sure. Thankfully Ashley would not be affected since silver doesn’t hurt zombies. I lurked back to the RV to see them removing the metal casket with Drake sleeping inside.  They opened it as the Mayor tested for a pulse, and breathing yet found none.  Luckily it was under the shade of a large tree otherwise his body would have began smoking, and eventually catching fire in the light of the holy sun. He then said to one of his cohorts,”Maybe these folks are our kind of people driving around with a fresh corpse!  Take him to the sacrifice chamber.”  At the time I wasn’t worried because I had no idea that their method of sacrifice was beheading. A sure way to kill a vampire! I couldn’t worry about the supernatural members of my team now because I had to find the humans Rob, and Elizabeth. I promised my brother Michael I’d keep Elizabeth safe the last time I saw him before he left on his last trip through time never to be seen again.  At that moment Elizabeth was being forcibly bathed in a horse trough after having her clothes ripped clean off.  The bearded woman Shelly Ann whispered gently to her,”You’re going to love Earl John.  He’s such a big man if you know what I mean?”  She giggled as Elizabeth cringed at the thought.  A girl ran in, and happily exclaimed,”Hurry up, and get her dressed the Preacher is ready for the wedding!”  Shelly Ann, and two other women helped her out of the tub to dress Elizabeth in a dirty white wedding gown.  Shelly was excited,”After you get hitched it’s my turn with your friend Rob!  In fact I have to go get ready now.  You gals tend to her, and make sure she gets to the church!”  I saw the bearded woman run off as I sneaked up on the building.  Sure enough there was Elizabeth standing there as naked as the day was long! LOL!  I allowed her the dignity of getting dressed before I entered.  I ran in and demanded,”She’s coming with me ladies!”  One grabbed Elizabeth, and the other came at me with a large rusty razor blade.  I easily overpowered her while Elizabeth elbow jabbed the other in the ribs.  We both hightailed it out of there, and headed for the hills as the women screamed we were escaping.

Rob wasn’t having it so easy as he was being literally hosed off in a horse stall in a rickety old barn.  The three men standing there were laughing as the man with the hose yelled,”Come on spread those legs!  You need to be clean for your wedding night!”  Shelly Ann strolled in just then, and gazed upon Rob with lust in her deranged eyes as he covered up with his hands.  Shelly then said,”Oh don’t be shy sweetheart!  We’re going have so many nights of love together.  I know it’s supposed to be bad luck to see the bride before the wedding but I just couldn’t bear to stay away from you honey! I just got a new blade so I’ll be shaving my beard soon.  I do declare I look absolutely divine with just a mustache! Don’t you think boys?”  The men all giggled, and nodded.  The bearded woman turned around to leave but she fell to the hay lined barn floor because Elizabeth punched her in the face. I grabbed the hose from one of the guys, and began rapidly wrapping it around each one while simultaneously punching, and kicking them.  They lie knotted up on the ground rather quickly.  Elizabeth tied Shelly up, and gagged her because she kept screaming.  Rob got dressed, and said,”Am I glad to see you guys!”  As I had been skulking around I estimated there were well over a 100 residents in this so called town! We all made our way to the mine as quickly as possible hiding from terrifying townsfolk along the way!

Ghastly Ghost TownSeth was placed on the altar of The Shawn Adams ready for beheading by axe courtesy of the giant Jeb.  Ashley, and Drake lie next in line.  All appeared to be dead but they weren’t.  Seth’s bullet wounds were rapidly healing. Ashley’s far less quickly due to her zombie half not getting the human flesh it needed because she refuses to partake of such cannibalistic acts! Fortunately she could most likely still function being riddled with bullets. Drake a vampire fast asleep without a care in the world was about to meet his demonic maker!  Jeb stood menacing over the sleeping Seth as he raised his axe with sinister glee, and let out a guttural roar, while exclaiming,”This one’s for you my Holy Lord & Saviour The Shawn Adams!”

To Be Continued…..Now of course since I’m telling you what happened I’m the only one you know survived this ordeal for sure! At least I got back in time to celebrate Memorial Day! LOL!

Next Urban Legend: The Microwave Monster

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Harrowing Home Invasion Havoc

Home InvasionSpring was in the air as the full March Storm Moon reflected it’s silvery light off the last remains of the rapidly melting snows. The grass still a drab green devoid of the rich emerald color that would soon take shape. A lone Werewolf ran out of the woods, and crossed a yard onto the dimly lit Autumn Avenue. The teenaged Zack Powers lie alone in bed sleeping soundly in an empty house at 2:30 AM as his guardian Grandmother Debbie Powers worked the graveyard shift at Woodland Springs General Hospital.  The Werewolf trotted on to the Powers property but immediately turned tail sounding off a sharp yelp as it ran away into the dark night.  This was due to the house, and soil in the yard being blessed by Father Tom Davis along with the lawn being sprayed with powdered Wolfsbane in Autumn before the first snow.  There was also small random bars of silver, enchanted by our Witch Rebecca Abernathy, buried about the yard.  For sure the Powers Residence was Werewolf proof!

It had been a long day of school for Zack which included the Paranormal Investigations Club, swim team practice, and of course his work at Mystic Investigations as our tech guy.  Not to mention his paranormal battle capabilities courtesy of his bionic abilities.  He was in deep REM sleep dreaming of lying on a sunny ocean beach on the edge of a brilliantly mulch-colored Fall time forest.  Some Autumn Nymphs frolicked about the piles of iridescent leaves.  Near the waters edge were some lovely Mermaids splashing about while humming a mesmerizing siren song.  A strikingly beautiful Summer, and Spring Nymph sat on either side of him.  A Winter Nymph strolled out of an ice blue cave leaving a trail of glittering snowflakes.  She handed Zack an ice cold lemonade before diving into the ocean causing some dolphins to leap out of the water. In the distance a large whale blew a giant geyser of water into the air which caused a rainbow to shine across the sky.  A rainbow with a Leprechaun, and Unicorn sliding down it! After Zack received the gift of becoming a powerful Cyborg he noticed he began having consistent vivid lucid dreams.  It’s been theorized that the nanobots coursing throughout his body, and his brain as well, might have a hand in that.  In essence creating a wondrous virtual reality like dream world in his mind.  Fantasy worlds he could shape at will.

All was quiet throughout the dark house when all the sudden Zack’s bionic ears Shadow Thugsub-consciously picked up a branch snapping outside on the backyard lawn.  This followed by the foot crunching a small pocket of snow.  In his dream Zack heard the suspicious sounds. In response the scantily clad Spring Nymph said,”You better go see what that noise is honey!”  Zack immediately awakened as shadows appeared at his bedroom window.  Before he could fully awaken a metal bat violently shattered the glass sending shards flying on to his bed. Simultaneously sounds of the back door being bashed in could be heard.  Two men climbed in through the window, and one of them menacingly exclaimed,”Poor little boy home alone!  Now we’re going to have some fun.”  They chucked in a sadistic manner expecting the usual frightened reaction that fueled their devoid lives.  Zack hadn’t bothered to even get out of bed as he lie with his arms behind his head smiling.  He then replied,”We sure are jackass!”  The maniacal smiles the two men had been brandishing turned to disbelief, and then transformed into sinister scowls.  An extremely tall heavy set muscular man easily over 6′ 4″ walked into the bedroom after breaking in the back door.  His buddies relayed that they had a smart ass on their hands.

The huge man, his thug buddies called Abe, replied to Zack’s nonchalant attitude,”You either must be high, or mentally retarded because this night will be a hell you’ll never forget the rest of your life little man!”  Zack answered his threat with,”I feel bad for you guys not knowing what you’ve walked into here.  So I’m going to let you leave, and we can forget this ever happened.  I’d love to have fun beating the hell out of you but I don’t want anymore damage to my Grandma’s house.”  A deeply incensed Abe then lunged at Zack but he sprang up at super speed to the foot of his bed.  In response Abe said,”What the heck!  Get over here you little piece of crap!”  All three men converged on him.  Zack kicked one of the men by the window back out the window as he screamed like a baby at the sheer force of his launch backward.  He ended up hitting a tree trunk, and was knocked out cold.  Zack sent the other man flying into the nightstand next to his bed after he hit him with the back of his metal fist encased in human flesh.  As the wood table smashed into pieces Abe picked Zack up by his neck causing him to choke but he responded by bionic chopping his shoulders causing the man to fall to his knees in pain.  He roared in anger as he swung a punch at Zack who then blocked it while laughing.  He gripped Abe’s fist now also in pain from making extreme contact with Zack’s bionic arm.  He then picked Abe, who probably weighted almost 300 pounds, over his head only to launch him crashing through the other bedroom window into the side yard.  While this happened Abe was screaming,”Oh craaaaaaaaaaaaaap!”

The man who hit the nightstand had recovered, and pulled out a gun.  Zack heard the trigger as the bullets fired toward him.  He hit the deck while covering his vulnerable head with his cyborg arms.  Bullets bounced off his arms damaged the flesh covering that was immediately under repair by microscopic nanobots.  Another bullet bounced off his metallic alloy ribs with more outer flesh damage.  One bullet managed to hit him in his human gut.  Zack lie on the floor bleeding profusely for about 10 seconds while the man stood over him.  The evil figure said,”I knew we were going to have fun but not this much fun!  What kind of drugs are you on?  I’d sure like me some of them super strength pills?”  After about 10 seconds the bleeding began to slow as the millions of futuristic nanobots went to work repairing what would normally be a serious wound.  They also went to work ravaging the bullet like a rabid pack of microscopic carnivores breaking it down into elemental metals.  Some of which would actually be used as nutrients for the biological body while the bulk would be used to build new bionic growth to match Zack biological teen growth.

The man yelled,”Hey Abe you alright out there?”  Abe replied with a moaning,”Awwwwww yeah I think so Morty.  Son of bitch screwed up my arm!”  The man looked out the other window to his other partner knocked out next to the tree bleeding.  He then yelled back to Abe,”Damn this little bastard messed up Joe real bad!  He needs to pay, and his bullet riddled body is a great start.  Hey wait a minute how are you even still alive?  I shot all my bullets into your sorry ass!”  Zack then smirked, and replied,”You’re a lousy shot pal!”  He then kicked the man in the groin so hard that it send him sailing into the ceiling causing plaster to rain down everywhere.  His gun was flung to the dark corner of the room, and he hit the floor with a loud thud causing him to pass out cold.  Big Abe staggered in through the window at the point Zack was trying to stand up.  He had a crazed look in his eyes, and kicked Zack in the face with full force sending him on to the bed.

Abe jumped on to the bed straddling Zack while letting loose a low guttural growl that transformed into thunderous giggling.  He then declared,”It’s been one hell of a night but now it’s time to end this party.  Where’s the money you little bitch?”  Zack replied,”What money?  All I have is $50 in my wallet!”  Abe then replies,”The damn drug money your Uncle stole from me!”  Zack responded,”What the hell are you talking about! I don’t even have an Uncle!”  Abe then asked,”Don’t lie to me this is 435 Autumn Avenue!”  Zack then laughed,”OMG you stupid idiot this is 444 Autumn Avenue!”  Abe angrily attempted to slap in the face but Zack caught his good hand, and the sound of bones crushing could be heard.  Abe bellowed in sheer agony as his hand felt the wrath of Zack’s bionic strength.  Zack then used his other arm to toss the guy over his head on to the wall over the headboard of his bed.  Another storm of plaster blasted forth raining about as Abe was sent clear through the wall into his Grandmothers empty bedroom.

Once again the house was silent. Zack lie on his bed feeling the reassuring pain rapid cellular repair including his nearly broken nose.  He picked up his cell phone on the other nightstand, and contemplated whether to call 911, or a member of Mystic Investigations since we’re sometimes known to take the law into our own hands.  Zack activated the customized walkie talkie function he designed in all our phones, and said,”This is Zack. Is anyone on patrol?”  Immediately Drake Alexander, our Executive Vice-President & 700 something Vampire replied,”Drake here.  Is everything okay Zack?”  Zack then relayed the information about the home invasion, and the bloody aftermath.  Zack could hear Abe breathing in the next room, and the heartbeat & breath of Morty out cold on the floor in his room. However he wasn’t sure if the guy named Joe next to the tree outside was still alive or not.  Drake said he’d be there shortly as he shot into the darkness at super vampire speed.  The street lamps appeared as long streaks of light on the journey to Zack’s.

Drake arrived at Zack’s house a few minutes later despite being on the other side of town.  Drake observed,”You sure did a number on these guys! You okay?”  Zack replied,”Yeah everything’s healing up nicely.  I could have did better but I was half asleep.”  All the sudden Drake had an odd look on his face as he swung around to see a bloodied Abe standing in the doorway with an old double barreled shotgun.  Drake commented,”Really? A shotgun!”  Both Drake, and Zack laughed.  Abe screamed in disbelief,”What the hell is wrong with you people?!?”  He then blasted off the two shots available directly at Drake who was standing in front of Zack.  Both shots destroyed Drakes sparkling Midnight blue shirt yet bounced off his muscular torso complete with supernatural six pack abs.  There were some brief bloodied scratches but they healed almost instantly courtesy of his powerful 5th generation vampire DNA.

Abe dropped the rifle in disbelief, and almost began crying,”What the hell man?”  Drake whizzed across the room so fast that only a blur of light was seen.  He then got behind him, and whispered in his ear,”I’m a vampire little boy, and your time is up.”  Drake sank his fangs into Abe’s neck as the criminal screamed in agony.  As he drank of his blood Drake was able to read Abe’s mind, and see he was responsible for a lifetime of heinous acts he had no remorse for.  These included countless murders, and numerous other unspeakable acts he got away with in his lifetime of darkness. Drake paused as he firmly gripped Abe.  He looked at Zack for some type of approval as he nodded, and Drake sank his fangs back into Abe’s neck draining him of every last drop of blood.  Abe dropped to the floor lifeless as Drake wiped the blood from his mouth.  He then said,”I saw the pure evil in his mind.  The horrifying acts of agony perpetuated against countless innocents that make tonight look like a cake walk. There was no rehabilitation for him!  Not to mention the fact that prison sentences these days are a joke, and Duanna gave me this shirt for my birthday.  It was hand sewn from Spider Fairy webs.  Spider Fairy web Zack!”  Zack answered,”Even without reading this guys mind I knew he was a blight upon humanity!”  Drake examined the other two thugs still knocked out cold, and determined they could possibly find salvation under the right circumstances.  They were simply sadistic weak willed bullies following Abe’s lead.

Drake called our favorite Sheriff Blake Maverick.  Drake apologized for waking the Sheriff up but the Maverick was all too happy to help us out.  Especially when we pay him big money as a consultant.  The Sheriff called an ambulance as he made his way to Zack’s house. Julia Hathaway, our psychic, showed up at that moment as she sensed something was wrong.  She examined each of the men including the deceased Abe, and came to the same conclusion as Drake.  She had saw Abe’s future if he had lived, and it seems he was destined to become a homeland terrorist who ended up destroying a town of thousands with a dirty bomb.  Julia exclaimed,”You just saved countless lives from this despicable piece of refuse!”  The future of the other two men were mostly petty crimes with them in, and out of prison.  At least they wouldn’t be killing anyone now that their alpha dog bully Abe was out of the picture.

WerewolfyDrake excused himself as he easily picked Abe up in his arms, and sped away. He ended up in the next street over as a man walking his poodle was confronted with the violent Werewolf who had attempted to enter Zack’s property.  Just as the hairy horror was about to pounce on the man, and his best little friend Abe’s body flew out of nowhere landing right in front of the salivating Werewolf.  Drake then appeared beside them, and whispered,”Run.”  They ran in the opposite direction as the Werewolf chowed down on Abe’s corpse.  Within two minutes everything was gone including the bones that were crushed into powder that wafted about the grizzly scene.  Only after the feeding frenzy was over did the Werewolf realize a vampire was near.  He plowed toward Drake who raced around the side of the hairy beast snapping his neck.  The Werewolf lie temporarily motionless, and Drake quickly hauled him back to Mystic Investigations headquarters to be caged until dawn.

The ambulance, and Sheriff pulled up as Julia explained the situation to him.  She mentioned how Morty, and Joe went on about some imaginary boss they called Abe.  Julia had seen in her visions that a mental hospital would be better than prison for these two. Certainly that is where they’d go as they spoke of Zack’s power, and their imaginary friend Abe.  Drake called up a friend who serves in Great Britain’s MI6 who in turn has a CIA contact.  He owed him a favor, and agreed erase any evidence that Abe ever existed.  Actually quite an easy task for someone in government since everyone is so reliant on computers in the 21st century.

Drake returned just as the Sheriff was leaving to escort the ambulance with his prisoners to the hospital where Zack’s Grandmother was on duty in the emergency room.  The Sheriff knew not to say a word to her so she wouldn’t worry.  In the meantime Julia had dialed up the rest of the Mystic Investigations gang to restore Zack’s house to it’s previous undamaged status.  We had a good three hours to fix the place up, and clean everything!  Thankfully things go quickly when you have a witch, vampire, telekinetic psychic, and bionic boy on your cleaning construction crew!