National Roller Coaster Day Adventure

Xavier Remington, Mystic Investigations President Here! The employees have been trying to get me to acknowledge National Roller Coaster Day since I have a thing for most holidays including the extremely minor ones. I finally caved in and decided to take everyone to the amusement park for an extended lunch. However, they had to ride the scariest Roller Coaster the minute they got there without barfing or they’d have to return to work. Some declined to go at all due to not liking such rides. A few took up an offer from our Executive Vice-President Drake Alexander who is a vampire. He promised to compel or hypnotize them into not being afraid anymore. A few took him up on the offer. He would be staying behind due to sunlight issues that make him burst into unholy flames.

Lunchtime At The Amusement Park

Once at the park we had four barfers and one Super Puker! Back they went to the office while the rest of us made the most of the amusement park. The Super Puker was a pompous guy bragging about how he loved roller coasters and could ride anyone without issue. Naturally, Senior Vice-President, Demi-Mermaid, and resident witch Rebecca Abernathy magically sped up the ride by 3 times causing him to spew chunks and hold his head down in embarrassing shame. She made sure he was the only employee to be on the coaster. Of course, that didn’t help the other park goers who were with him on it! LOL!

I did some bragging of my own as I promised to win the fair Rebecca a gargantuan stuffed dolphin doll by hitting the bell at the top of the High Striker. A classic test of strength created by hitting a pad at the bottom of a tall column with a huge mallet in order to force a small puck to the bell. I was aware that most of these prize-winning contests are rigged and I couldn’t ask Rebecca to use her magic for personal gain. So I mustered up all my strength to hit the pad squarely on center for the best chance of winning. I had three tries. The first attempt was a test to gauge the device. It got over half way up. The next try almost reached the top. On the third try, I made the bell ring after screaming out a personal motivational quote….”By The Power Of Grayskull!” There was awkward silence for a moment before the crowd gathered around started laughing and clapping as I presented the dolphin to Rebecca.

The Disgruntled Demi-Sasquatch

As I soaked up the adulation our telekinetic psychic Julia Hathaway sensed some tension nearby. A little girl had a scowl on her face as she exclaimed,”Daddy that was supposed to be my dolphin!” Next to her was a huge muscular man that was at least 7 feet tall with excessive body hair! He angrily muttered,”Oh it will be yours, baby! That son of a bitch won’t get away with stealing your precious dolphin!” Rebecca and I walked to the fresh lemonade stand when Julia screamed,”Look out!” The man took a swing at me but missed. The little girl forcibly ripped the dolphin doll out of Rebecca’s arms and ran away into the crowd. She ran after her while a little Elf wearing a Hawaiian shirt, red shorts, and sunglasses whispered into a green Christmas tree walkie talkie saying,”We got a Naughty Lister Santa.” A voice on the other end acknowledged,”10-4″

I dealt with the rage-filled giant. Julia yelled again,”Be careful Xavier he’s a Sasquatch-Human hybrid!” The man turned toward her puzzled she’d even know that. Of course, I took that opportunity to leap into the air and belt him in the face! He roared in anger while I gripped my hand in pain. His jaw was like iron! He began swinging at me wildly with a crazed look in his Bigfoot eyes! He bellowed,”That was my baby’s dolphin you bastard!” Clearly, he was drunk or deranged! I utilized my Kung Fu and Ninjitsu skills to the fullest but this nut seemed invincible! Thankfully I was far quicker than this giant oaf and was able to evade his blasphemous blows! A crowd quickly gathered around the spectacle. Julia attempted to use her telekinetic powers against him but as a Demi-Sasquatch he had a fair amount of immunity against various powers and all magic as well. Bionic boy wonder Zack Powers and his bionic girlfriend Summer Eden ran up to take him on. I took that opportunity to order a refreshing ice cold lemonade as I got a much-deserved rest on a park bench to watch the show. The dynamic cyborg duo actually caused some pain in the hairy horror. He stumbled a bit throughout their attack but he finally tossed both of them into the bumper boat pool nearby!

Meanwhile, Rebecca raced past the thieving child at super mermaid speed and stopped right in front of her. The child of not more than seven years old was startled before displaying a sinister scowl and screamed,”It’s my dolphin bitch!” She punched Rebecca in the gut along with a swift kick to her leg with little result. The force of the punch and kick indicated the child was at least 1/4 Bigfoot. Rebecca sternly told the girl,”That’s my dolphin fair and square! Your daddy needs to teach you not to steal things from other people!” The girl replied,”My daddy says we can take anything we want from this world! The Sasquatch are the rightful heirs!” Suddenly the dolphin flew out of her hands into Julia’s via telekinesis. Rebecca then picked up the struggling girl to return her to her crazy daddy.

I finished my refreshing lemonade just as Bigfoot boy came at me again. He broke the park bench in two as I leaped away from it! So it was round two with this guy on this hot sunny day. We went at it for a minute until he stopped as he saw Rebecca holding his daughter. He yelled,”Hey put her down!” Rebecca did and she ran to her dad and said,”Daddy beat them all up and give me my dolphin!” The man looked around dazed as he saw everyone in the stunned crowd holding out their smartphone cameras. At that point, a Bigfoot roar came from the woods nearby. The man looked scared as the girl exclaimed,”It’s grandpa! He’s angry! We have to go now!” The girl had a temper tantrum and screamed,”My dolphin daddy!” He picked her up and ran into the woods in a flash. I’d imagine the Sasquatch people didn’t want such exposure. Especially over such doll based idiocy! The little Elf mentioned previously held up a device that made an odd whining noise. At some point, everyone found out their video footage of the fight was distorted beyond recognition. The Elf was simply enforcing the Supernatural Secrecy Pact.

Rebecca and I got some ice cream before leaving with her dolphin doll. Thankfully nobody was hurt except for the park bench. It will be a National Roller Coaster Day we’ll never forget! Hopefully, we never hear from the Demi-Bigfoot and his dolphin obsessed daughter ever again! If so then we should introduce him to another fellow Human-Sasquatch Hybrid we know. Mr. Altec who is the bouncer at our local supernatural hangout known as Club 13.

Get Your Own Giant Dolphin Doll!

The Adventures Of Ashley Abercrombie

I’m Ashley Abercrombie, Chief Cryptozoologist for Mystic Investigations. Today I’d like to tell you about what happened to me on my vacation last week. Well it was more of a working vacation since I wasn’t only camping but also in search of Sasquatch in the Lewis & Clark National Forest in Montana.  My intel told me a Big Foot was most likely residing in the forest.  However I only jokingly mentioned Big Foot to my friends who came with me. Childhoods friend I went camping with all the time but who know not of the world of the supernatural. They simply think I’m a biologist rather than a Cryptozoologist. In addition they have no idea that I’m a human-zombie hybrid whose the offspring of a father infected with the supernatural zombie virus. If I told them they’d think I’d gone crazy. We hadn’t seen each other in a long time and I was looking forward to camping in the woods just like old times.

We set up our camp site in the forest at around noon and enjoyed some chicken sandwiches down by the creek while reminiscing about the fun we had as children. Me, Cynthia, and Melanie were all girl scouts together and our families were always doing things together as well. We got to talking about my father and how he mysteriously disappeared from the hospital after being diagnosed with an unusual case of fleshing eating virus but of course it was actually the zombie virus. They had no idea the government had taken him away to where I have no clue. Luckily we moved on to happier topics and time flew by after lunch as we walked about the dirt trails among the frondescence of the fantastic forest. While we walked and talked I was on the look out for Sasquatch foot prints but never saw any. However I did see small hoof prints that were characteristic of a Chupacabra. Hopefully it wasn’t in the area anymore but they are nocturnal creatures so it was probably sleeping somewhere. As we made our way down a hill back toward our camp site a middle aged man with a huge grizzly beard wearing bear skins jumped into the trail right in front of us and yelled in a gravely voice,”Oh crap sorry! I hope I didn’t scare you ladies to death!” He then snickered in a sinister manner with a deranged look in his eyes. I replied,”Ah no sir but could you please move aside as we are trying to get to our camp site.” He then said,”Why in such a hurry honey? My name is Joe and I’d like to invite you to my humble abode.” We all looked at each other in a mildly fearful manner as I replied,”No thank you sir. We have to go now.”

We tried to squeeze past him but he pushed us back and pulled out a large knife while exclaiming,”Listen bitches your coming home with me. A man gets lonely out in the wilderness and you ladies sure are pretty.” Melanie had fallen on the dirt trail while Cynthia ran in the other direction screaming for help. I had been pushed into a tree and sprung back kicking the knife from his hand as I yelled,”Run Melanie!” Melanie sprung up and reluctantly ran away. I punched the mountain man in the face and then kicked him in the balls but it didn’t seem to phase him as he laughed,”Oh damn baby you’re the kind of woman I’ve always dreamed of.” I attempted some more martial arts moves that my boss Xavier Remington had taught me but he was a whole foot taller than me and must have weighed 300 pounds or so. Even with my enhanced strength, due to being part zombie, it wasn’t enough to take down this behemoth who smelled of garlic, cheap booze, and tobacco. He scooped me up under one arm and dragged me away into the wilderness. I screamed for help and struggled but he threw me to the ground violently and told me to shut up or he’d kill me. I then said,”Try” He replied,”What?” I said again,”Kill me you giant pile of puke! I’d rather be dead then be anywhere near you. You disgust me you ugly son of a bitch!” He then screamed,”Why you!” and belted me across the face causing me to fly a few feet and hit my head on a tree.

As I lie there I thought how perfect this was and immediately stopped my heart from beating along with arresting all lung movement. I had engaged my patented fake zombie death to trick the deranged psychopath. He come over to me and slapped me in the face a number of times while hollering,”Wake up bitch!” repeatedly. In my zombie death like state I was in a deep trance but could still hear him. He then said to himself,”Damn I wanted me some of this fine woman. Oh well she’ll make a fine dinner I guess.” I was alarmed as he pulled his knife out and declared,”This is as good a place to cut the meat up.” I had hoped he’d just leave me alone now that he thought I was dead but unfortunately he was some kind of sick cannibal. Just as his knife began to cut into my shoulder I woke up screaming. I scared the crap out of him and used the opportunity to bolt away through the thick brush. He immediately pursued me but I’m thin and could run faster than the bloated bastard. I made it to the creek and jumped in letting the current take me downstream. Ahead were jagged rocks and entry into a larger rapid ridden river so I swam ashore and made my way back into the woods hoping to put as much distance between me and the maniac as possible. All the sudden a wolf was snarling right in front of me and I froze in my tracks.

I slowly pulled a Werewolf whistle from my pocket but just then the mountain man bear hugged me from behind while screeching,”Hoooooohaaaaaaaaa got you honey!” He was laughing while he swung around with me and thanked his apparently domesticated wolf, Jasper. He then inquired,”I could have sworn you were dead honey! Well now we can go back to my cave and have some sweet fun!” He began trudging through the woods with his wolf following behind. After an hour he stopped to rest and put me down while saying,”Now don’t think of running away from old Joe again or Jasper will rip your throat clean out honey.” I just gave him this disgusted look and we got moving again. This time I walked since he was getting tired carrying me. The sky dimmed yet flared with iridescent colors as sunset approached. We stopped again as he indicated his cave was just over the hill in front of us. I then stared at him with a smug smile on my face.

To Joe I said,”Say Joe aren’t you curious how I had no heartbeat and wasn’t breathing?” He replied,”Sure thing honey! How’d you do it?” I then revealed,”I’m part zombie so naturally faking death is easy.” He chortled,”Yeah sure you are bitch!” I responded,”Oh it’s true you fat bastard and also I’m a Cryptozoologist. You ever hear of a creature called a Chupacabra?” He snickered and said,”Yeah those crazy little beasts nutty Mexicans say eat their goats.” I then said,”Well Joe I know at least one roams these woods, and I’ve been blowing a Chupacabra whistle every so often when you weren’t looking. It’s inaudible to the human ear. In addition I purposely cut myself some time back, leaving a trail of my unique human-zombie hybrid blood, along with wiping some on you.” He looked down at his clothes and yelled,”What the hell woman! These are my prized bear skins! You’re going to scrub these all day tomorrow down by creek until they’re clean!” I retorted,”No you big bastard I have a hunch you’ll be dead by tomorrow because there’s a Chupacabra standing behind you and your smelly wolf.” He giggled,”Yeah sure there is! ” An other worldly snarl could suddenly be heard as the man stopped laughing and as he turned his wolf started growling. The small big fanged little menace didn’t look like it was a match for the big wolf as it snarled with a sinister intelligent look in it’s eyes. The man screamed,”Holy Mother Of God! What the hell is that? Jasper kill that little bastard!” Jasper lunged at the Chupacabra but he jolted out of the way and then began a tortuous attack on the wolf tearing the poor beast to shreds with his steel sharp fangs and claws. Joe just stood there in shock as he pulled out his knife screaming,”Jasper noooooooo!” I took that opportunity to run away. In the distance I could hear Joe’s horrified scream of agony as the Chupacabra killed and ironically consumed the despicable cannibal.

Despite having consumed over 300 pounds of meat I knew the Chupacabra would hunt me down since it’s paranormal metabolism allows it to eat an amazing amount of meat within a short period of time. It had the scent of my zombified blood and would relentlessly pursue me until it captured me in it’s demonic clutches. My only hope was Sasquatch. I blew my Big Foot whistle along with making Sasquatch sounds praying it would come to my rescue. The Sasquatch is known to be a friend of the Native American and ward off evil in an effort to protect them. Darkness had finally fallen upon the forest but luckily the light of the full moon guided my way through the dense deciduousness. I had run through the creek hoping it would mask my scent but in the dark ahead of me I heard the hellish snarling as the soft yellow glow of the Chupacabras night time eyes could be clearly seen. I blew my Chupacabra whistle in reverse hoping to repel it but it only made him angry and he bolted for me. However he stopped short within a foot of me as an amazingly loud roar came from the moving brush to the side of me. A huge brown hairy beast, who appeared to be at least 8 feet tall, emerged from the forest causing an uncharacteristic look of fear on the Chupacabra’s face. The giant Sasquatch marched toward the Chupacabra who was now backing away slowly yet still snarling. I backed away as well as I took in the awesome scene of two paranormal creatures meeting for the first time. It was Sasquatch vs Chupacabra!  Big Foot roared again and scooped up the Chupacabra in his huge hairy hand hurling it well above the tree tops so fast that the little beast didn’t have time to bite. His snarling screams were almost comical as he flew out of the sight. Sasquatch turned to me with a friendly look on his face and I walked slowly over to shake his big furry hand. It was a beautiful moment indeed as I’d never actually seen a real Big Foot let alone met one. Suddenly he bolted into the woods in the direction he’d thrown the Chupacabra and he was gone.

It was a long night out in the forest alone but by the light of dawn I found my way back to my camp where my friends were relieved to see me. The forest rangers were there and had been searching for me all night. They took my statement about Joe and told us he was a wanted serial killer named Joseph Jenkins aka The Cotterpin Creek Cannibal. I didn’t mention the part where a Chupacabra ate him alive. I just said I managed to get away from him when I kicked him in the balls. Me and my Friends decided we had enough of camping and took the rest of our vacation at the All Seasons Inn & Suites in nearby White Sulphur Springs, Montana. Despite the hellish ordeal I considered the trip a success having seen both Sasquatch and a Chupacabra together. I only wish I had my camera with me. Maybe next time.