Bothersome Biker Babies

Street Punk Biker ThugsA gang of biker punks were roaring up, and down our usually quiet street Enchantment Lane. What is it with old guys who are so desperate to feel cool, and young that they have to get tattooed up, wear a leather jacket with sunglasses, and rev obnoxious motorized bicycles?  We called the police, and the Deputy Sheriff a few times but the bikers just flee in 100 different directions eluding the them. Then they come back again even louder, and more obnoxious than ever!  As the Enchantment Lane Neighborhood President, and current Neighborhood Security Captain I was getting calls from our residents complaining.  Finally my girlfriend Rebecca Abernathy, a Demi-Mermaid Witch, said,”Get out there, and kick their asses Xavier!” Despite having amazing powers she seems to say that every so often when faced with a mob. I’m beginning to think it does something for her to see me take on a large group of thugs single handedly. I then said,”Wouldn’t it be easier if you just went out there, and put the old Whammy on them?”  She replied,”Oh that’s no fun! Where’s your sense of adventure? Also there’s that pesky Supernatural Secrecy Pact to deal with. Plenty of opportunities for prying cell phone video camera eyes to catch me in my magic act!”

I was on the phone with our friend Sheriff Blake Maverick as the gray haired adult children came roaring forth once again.  Blake was out of town with his girlfriend, and our next door neighbor Tiffany Sanders.  He’d previously deputized some of us at Mystic Investigations when he needed help, and I had him authorize my Deputy Sheriff status once again.  I hanged up the phone, and took my badge out of the drawer along with putting on my trusty gun belt.  I marched into the middle of the street loudly ordering them to halt as Rebecca stood on the front porch jumping up, and down smiling with glee like a cheerleader.  She screamed,”Punch that big one in the face!” LOL!  The bikers ignored me with sneering smiles as they pretended to charge me with their ridiculously loud motorized big wheels. I stood my ground, and finally clothslined one of the bastards right off their silly little bike.  He looked to be in his early 60’s as he lie on the ground crying,”Ahhhhhhhhh my assss!”  That finally got the geriatric teenagers to park their bikes in the middle of the road.  They all ran toward me with anger over their fallen biker buddy.  At that point I utilized my extensive Kung Fu, and Ninjutsu skills to take down these sons of bitches with extreme prejudice!

It had been a while since I took on so many punks at once but it helped that they were all pretty much out of shape middle aged to senior citizen types. Furious kicks, and punches flew about wildly as one of the fools bellowed out,”My freaking hip! I just had it replaced!”  Another one was whining about his arthritis acting up while lying on the pavement. All of them were down for the count except for one exceptionally huge forty something guy who actually had some muscles.  Clearly the youth of this oh so cool bicycle gang!  He claimed to be an Ex-Navy Seal as he pointed to his tattoo with pride while holding a chain in the other hand. I then exclaimed,”Punk, I serve with an Ex-Navy Seal. His name is Hunter Jackson. Hunter is a friend of mine. Punk, you’re no Hunter Jackson nor a Navy Seal.  You’re nothing more than a has been trying to prove he’s young, and tough through his pathetic accouterments, and loud boom boom baby engine noises.”  He growled angrily and swung his chain at me but I caught it in my hand, and hit his wrist grabbing it away from him. I then threw it aside, and began rapid punches, and kicks while dancing about eluding his attempt to make contact with me.  I finally wore him out, and he collapsed to the ground huffing,and puffing.

I took out my sidearm, and put each motorized bicycle out of it’s misery.  What a pleasure it was to hear those engines die one by one leaving nothing but sweet silence. The street was left with nothing but the whimpering of downtrodden punks as neighbors came out clapping, and cheering.  One yelled,”About damn time these idiots were shut the hell up!”  Rebecca ran into the street, and kissed me. The supposed Ex-Navy Seal said,”Why man? Why?”  I then asked,”You were never really in the military were you?”  He then reluctantly replied with head down,”No”  I then said,”You ask why but we’re all wondering why you bikers do what you do?  Why do you try so hard to act tough?  Why does it only seem to be you guys who hit middle age who start this outlaw biker crap annoying everyone with your nauseating motor revving?  Just grow up already so we can all live in peace!”  One of them replied,”Jesus man I felt like an old fart, and my life was slipping away in to the grave until I got a tat, strapped on my leather, and straddled my hog for the first time.  Rebecca responded,”Oh for Pete’s sake!”  I answered,”Well how about actually taking to the open roads, and stop riding around the same area 3000 times!  Clearly you’re just showing off, trying to intimidate people, and cause trouble just to make yourself feel tough. If you’re so tough go ride on the damn Express Way!”  Rebecca chimed in,”Yeah, and enough with this tinkering of your bikes in your driveway while revving it 1000 times BS!  Your neighbors hate your guts!”

The false Navy Seal then said,”Well you shot our damn bikes man!  We’re not going anywhere now!”  I responded,”You brought this on yourself but I’ll pay to have your bikes repaired since I doubt your insurance would cover this misadventure on your part!”  There was a glimmer of hope in their sullen eyes.  I continued,”If you truly love biking then go drive around the country, and enjoy the scenery instead of playing games with people! Can you do that?  Have you finally learned your lesson?”  The fake Seal replied,”Yeah man I guess we were being asses.  We won’t do this again if you pay for our bikes.” I replied,”Okay then I’ll let you off with a warning but you’ll have to pay to have your hogs towed away.”  The hip whiner cried,”What about our medical expenses?” I then shot back,”Don’t push it old man!”  He put his hand up in agreement.  Within 40 minutes the entire mess of baby bikes, and biker boys were gone from our lovely lane. All that was left were some oil stains. It felt good not resorting to magic, or supernatural abilities for once.  Although just as I was about to wrap this story up Rebecca told me she used a spell to amplify her mesmerizing Mermaid enchantment upon the bikers.  Damn I knew they were too agreeable at the end!

If you’re a biker then please for the love of God would you stop playing around with your bike in your driveway, and roaring around the same side streets 1000 times!  Be a man, and go out on the open highway! If your bike is so jacked up you need to tinker with it 24-7 then take it to a mechanic like a normal human because apparently you aren’t competent enough to ever fix it.  Better yet spend some damn money, and buy a brand new one!  Hopefully electric so we can end your insane noise! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Demi-Mermaid Witch & The Strawberry Fairy

As the full June Strawberry Moon of 2015 approaches a fiendish Faeriemancer is after the Human-Mermaid Hybrid Witch Rebecca Abernathy, and her little friend, a Strawberry Fairy named Red. Together they fight, and evade the dark magician as they make their way to Red’s nature Nymph ascension ceremony. It is the Faeriemancer’s hope to crash this paranormal party, and siphon all the nature deities powers including the Roman Fruit Goddess Pomona. His twisted plan even involves the Chief ArchDemon, known as The Devil, along with his newly born Anti-Christ child!  Read This Short Story For Only 99 cents on Amazon Kindle.

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Harrowing Bank Heist

Woodland Springs Bank VaultI’m Drake Alexander, Executive Vice-President of Mystic Investigations.  This morning Rebecca Abernathy, our Chief Financial Officer, was going to Woodland Springs Savings & Loan to deposit a large sum of cash we just received from an important client.  I needed to retrieve something from my safety deposit box so I offered to drive her there. Being a 5th generation vampire makes one want to avoid the deadly rays of the holy sunlight.  However my car, a Silver Aston Martin V12 Vanquish, has been customized by special unholy glass which basically accomplishes the same task the Moon performs.  Turning holy light into unholy light.

The Savings & Loan is my bank of choice in town due to the large canopy over the front entrance that faces north.  I was able to pull right up to the door, and get out quick leaving the car there.  As a VIP customer I can park there for a short period of time.  Once inside I was led to the vault where I accessed my safety deposit.  Meanwhile Rebecca was at the front counter forking over the sack of cash containing $50,000.  The bank teller asked her,”Did you earn this from modeling?”  Rebecca jokingly replied,”Oh yes they throw cash at me on the catwalks of Paris, and Milan!”  They both chuckled as a black van pulled up behind my car, and two sinister looking men wearing military fatigues with sun glasses brisking walked in while looking about nervously.  A third man stayed at the wheel of the van.

Rebecca immediately looked over as one man strolled up to the counter, and the other stood in the middle of the bank.  He then pulled out an AK-47, and shot it into the air while bellowing,”This is a robbery bitches! Everyone hands in the air!”  Plaster fell from the ceiling as people screamed, and Rebecca was simultaneously grabbed from behind with a handgun placed to her head.  The man holding Rebecca hostage then declared to the teller,”Give me all the cash in your drawers or the red head gets it!  And don’t even think about pressing the alarm button, or throwing that dye pack crap in there!”  Rebecca then calmly told the guy,”You’ll never get out of here alive!”  He laughed, and yelled to his accomplice,”Hey we got a tough chick here!  Lets take her with us, and have some fun huh?”  They both started cackling snidely.  As the man with the machine gun ordered everyone into the vault along with the bank manger who was to open the secondary vault in back that contained all the cash, and gold.

I immediately leaped to the ceiling, and propped myself above the first vault door as shaken men, and crying women came milling in.  Once the armed man appeared below me I pounced on him relieving him of his firearm, and throwing him into the metal wall knocking him out cold.  The bank manager then exclaimed,”Thank God you were here Mr.Alexander!”  Everyone in the vault was gasping in shock, and I said,”I used to be in the special forces.”  Great cover for public use of super strength.

At the same time outside the vault two tellers were loading up a bag with cash for the second robber still holding Rebecca at gunpoint.  Just then a toilet could be heard flushing as a beer bellied sixty something man in uniform came walking out, and volunteered too much information,”Man that breakfast burrito was……gggguuuunnnnn!”  He was the overweight Barney Fife of bank guards who drew his revolver that quaked in his hand with fear.  The robber then yelled,”Drop the gun old man or the broad gets it!”  Rebecca fearing for the old mans life pretended to plead for help.  “Oh please drop the gun!  I don’t want to die sir!”  Really though a Demi-Mermaid Witch never fears for her life at the hands of mere mortals!  Unfortunately she could not use her powers with all the security cameras on her.  The guard dropped his gun, and hit the deck.

The robber had his cash as the tellers were motioned to the vault.  He screamed,”Hey Harvey what the hell is taking so long in there?”  The second he let his gun droop down from her head Rebecca elbowed him with her Demi-Mermaid strength while simultaneous grabbing his arm to yank the gun away.  The malevolent man was on the ground as Rebeca threw the gun in a trash bin nearby.  She smiled slyly down at him as I walked up beside her grinning.  Although he whipped out a hand gun and shot me.  The bullet merely bounced off my chest.  My eyes turned red, and I growled displaying my fangs as I shot down on him.  I sank my teeth into him, and he screamed like a baby.

Rebecca noticed a figure run from the front door of the bank.  It was the get away driver who saw his buddies had failed.  He sped away as Rebecca ran outside, and looked around cautiously before yelling,”Mystic Sphere!”  A translucent sphere of pink energy formed around her as she commanded,”Dissulto!”  Her along with the mystical energy sphere took to the air after the dark van.  As he drove out of the parking lot past a grove of trees she was exposed to the general public, and took to the open skies to follow the fiend from high above.

Meanwhile back in the bank I had to hypnotize the other robber to forget I was a vampire.  I gave everyone the all clear signal as the bank manger, employees, and customers came out with a sigh of relief amid their rattled state.  I asked the manger to call Sheriff Blake Maverick since he’s a friend of mine.  He would take the video footage into custody, and make sure the portion where I exposed my vampire nature was magically turned to static.  I secured the two criminals in hand cuffs provided by the security guard who had clearly soiled his pants in sheer terror.  I could only pity him.

At this point the black van was on a rural road headed into the Mystical Forest so Rebecca descended rapidly from the clouds, and landed right in front of the vehicle speeding toward her at about 80 mph or so.  When he saw her inside the other worldly pink bubble he panicked, and floored it.  Rebecca just stood there calmly with her hands at her hips like the hot super-heroine that she is.  The vehicle crashed into the sphere crushing the entire engine, and smashing the glass sending the robber out with it on to the pavement.  Rebecca released the Mystic Sphere, and walked over to the bleeding man who was only superficially injured due to Rebecca allowing him to fall through her sphere thereby decreasing the momentum of his fall.  She called an ambulance, and the Sheriff.  She also called to inform me all was well.  Before the authorities arrived she performed a little hypnosis of her own to make the man forget her magical powers.

While I got to deal with the pleasant Sheriff Maverick Rebecca had to deal with the rotten Police Chief Spencer Cantrell who naturally intercepted the 911 call.   Chief Cantrell has long criticized Mystic Investigations as a “bunch of paranormal vigilante loons”.  He walked over to Rebecca as his men took the injured robber into custody, and over to the ambulance.  Cantrell then snidely exclaimed,”Ah yes the beautiful Miss Abernathy. If only you’d wise up, and stop hanging around those miscreants at Mystic Investigations.  Enough of this vigilante crap!  Why don’t you go to the police academy, and join my force baby!”  Rebecca was a little taken back by the pathetic police chiefs advances as he’d never shown anything but disdain for everyone at our paranormal investigations firm.  She then sarcastically replied,”In your dreams little man!”  He countered,”Screw you b…..”  as I raced up just then, and Cantrell muttered jealously,”Oh the big James Bond wanna-be is here to save the damsel in distress.” Spencer walked back to his police cruiser, and shoved a jelly donut in his mouth while I drove Rebecca back to Mystic Investigations.  Trouble always seems to find us, and we’re glad to swat it down supernatural style!