Electrifying Evil Easter Engagement

Easter 2013 Battle Between The Easter Bunny And The Anti-Claus!
Easter BunnyI’m Drake Alexander, Senior Vice-President Of Mystic Investigations, and 700 something vampire.  We had our annual Mystic Investigations Easter Egg hunt on the grounds of our paranormal crime fighting offices.  It was open to the public, and many kids, their parents, and little bunnies from a local farm were hopping about the festive Easter event.  I hunted in the Mystical Forest for three days non-stop just to find a gnome so I could be in the sun courtesy of their protective blood!  Duanna Sargon, my vampire mother, was there as well.  All was well as children giggled with glee while parents snapped photos, and shot video to preserve the memories of the delightful day.  Suddenly out of the blue a large anthropomorphic bipedal bunny ran out of the woods screaming for help in a comically high pitched voice.  The children were laughing thinking it was entertainment but I could tell immediately it wasn’t a guy in a rabbit suit.  My enhanced vision, and supernatural sense of smell told me otherwise.  I told everyone it was real, and Xavier Remington, Mystic Investigations President, said,”OMG you don’t think it’s the…”  I then said,”Oh yeah it has to be the Easter Bunny!”  We’ve met Santa Claus who is friends with the worlds only known Werehare,or Werebunny, but we still couldn’t believe he was real despite sparse entries in the secret supernatural record.  We did see a strange looking rabbit near Rebecca Abernathy, our resident Demi-Mermaid witch, when she died and was resurrected on Easter 2011.  We suspected the Easter Bunny had a hand in that miracle.  However you haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen a rabbit humanoid running toward you.  I’ve supposedly seen everything existing for over 7 centuries, and it even shocked me!

What was even more shocking was the hellish vision of the Anti-Claus running after him with a bloody hatchet as kids started screaming, and scattering.! He was hollering,”I’m going to slaughter you bunny man, and eat the very essence of Easter!”  We found out later that the blood on the hatchet was from some sick Satanic sacrifice.  The large bunny man, 7 feet tall with the ears, ran up to Rebecca, and changed into a small normal sized furry bunny form before hopping into her arms.  I told her to get the poor little bastard the hell out of here!  We couldn’t let the Dark Claus absorb the marvelous magic of Easter.  Metaphysical energy accumulated by channeling the innocent magic of children all around the world celebrating Easter.  Enchanted energies channeled through the Easter Bunny forming the Spirit Of Easter   Rebecca screamed, and activated her active witch power,”Mystic Sphere!” She flew away with the bunny in her transparent pink energy orb high in the sky.  Before I could make a move Ex-Navy Seal Hunter Jackson looked around quickly to make sure no innocents were in vicinity before pulling out his machine gun, and firing directly upon the Anti-Claus.  Regrettably he just stood there maniacally laughing as the bullets bounced off him. Not surprising considering he was the most powerful Demi-Demon on Earth!

The kids were all hiding in the edge of the woods with their parents watching the surreal spectacle unfold.  Telekinetic Psychic Julia Hathaway, and bionic boy wonder Zack Powers stood nearby ready to protect them.  Duanna, and I tackled him as she screamed,”Die you sick bastard!”  I was so enraged as well that I bit into him, and forgot that not only would I gain temporary Anti-Claus strength but also be under his spell as well.  He whaled loudly, and finally pushed us off him sending us flying.  He then looked at me with a sinister stare, and hypnotically ordered me to kill Duanna along with the entire Mystic Investigations team!  I felt compelled to do so until Duanna grabbed me, and looked into my eyes saying,”I sired you my son!  You do my bidding!  Nobody else has power over you!”  I felt her sire bond power over me but the Anti-Claus still tugged at my very soul.  She then punched me in the face, and screamed,”I command you to kill the Anti-Claus, and not hurt the Mystic Investigations team!”  Her hypnotic vampiress ability, and sire bond, won the brain washing battle. With eyes glowing red, fangs extended, and other worldly growling flowing forth I attacked the Dark Claus with a vengeance.  It was a near equal fight since we both had demonic DNA coupled with his blood fueling me.  We fought for a minute before the sinister Claus began to overwhelm me.  Duanna then intervened, and got him in a head lock as she attempted to behead him the hard way!  I then attempted to force my fingers into his chest to extricate his dark dead demonic heart.  Suddenly I felt a stabbing pain through my chest as I saw a blade come out through me.

It was the Dark Drake, my evil doppelganger, and long time nemesis who is one of the Devil’s sons.  He impaled me with the fabled Sword Of Dagon.  Dark Drake then declared,”I found my Father a mate to sire the Dark Prince, and now the pathetic Drake will be the first to die along with everyone here!”  As revealed some time ago the Dark Drake, with the aid of the Anti-Claus, was to find the perfect mother for the Anti-Christ. I fell dead as the Anti-Claus sneered, and snickered over me.  He had freed himself from Duanna’s grip, and snapped her neck causing her to lie unconscious on the ground.  I began bursting into flames as Dark Drake said,”So long brother!”  Julia, and Zack ran up as Julia screamed,”Nooooooooooo Drake!”  She used her telekinetic powers to toss both nefarious figures aside but the Anti-Claus instantly recovered, and used his own power to choke both her, and Zack Darth Vader Force Style as he held his hand out.  While Dark Drake got up Xavier appeared with his mystical Sword Of Judgment to engage him in battle.  Xavier had run back to his office to get the sword when things started heating up.  Ghostbuster Rob Edmunds ran up, and shot the Dark Claus with his photonic disruption gun he uses on poltergeists.  The evil Claus was momentarily stunned but recovered, and added Rob to his choking spree.  I saw nothing but unholy violet flames around me as the holy sunlight began fading, and I knew it was time to meet my maker.  Would I end up in Heaven, Hell, the Underworld, the fabled Purgatory, or perhaps simply blink out of existence?

Out of nowhere the Mystic Sphere shot from the Heavens like a messenger from God.  I later learned it was at the request of the Easter Bunny who had a vision of my death, and that of several innocents in the vicinity.  Rebecca blasted the Anti-Claus with a magical power burst as the little Easter Bunny transformed into his large anthropomorphic form.  He landed on top of me causing the flames to immediately extinguish as he held his hands upon my heart causing a magical yellow glittering energy to bathe over me.  He resurrected me, and I was whole again.  At that point the Dark Drake had disarmed Xavier, and was about to behead him as the Anti-Claus blasted Rebecca into a tree trunk with his own deadly dark magics.  At that point Duanna’s neck snapped back into position, and she sprung forth to tackle Dark Drake.  The Easter Bunny, and I both wrestled the Anti-Claus to the ground as Rebecca recovered to join us.  She told us to keep the calamitous Claus down while she recited a spell.  Santa Claus had given her some of his blood for such a situation while we were at North Pole City this last Christmas.  She drew a cross upon his forehead in Saint Nicholas blood, and her magical words caused him to scream in agony as she called upon the Great Claus, Mother Earth Goddess Gaia, and even the Demigod Jesus Christ to let the Earth literally absorb him.  He began melting into the hallowed Earth while Dark Drake cast off Duanna, and rushed toward us with his deadly sword.  Xavier then threw me his sword just in time to begin mortal combat with my dark doppelganger of doom.

The Anti-Claus disappeared into the Earth as a car drove up nearby playing the theme to TV’s Highlander.  It was an odd coincidence as sparks flew between our swords.  Even with the Anti-Claus blood within me the Dark Drake was a son of the Devil yet still within a body genetically identical to my own.  It seemed I was losing until the Easter Bunny psychically sent me messages of hope to reinvigorate me but my sword was forced from my hand as I hit the ground.  Rebecca shot magical energy at the Devil’s son but he deflected it with his hand, and she was hit with it knocking her out cold. Duanna came from behind but he sensed it, and quickly spun around chopping both her legs off as she cried in agony.  While this was going on the Easter Bunny came to my side telling me to bite into his arm, and drink of his holy blood.  I said it would harm me to drink such innocent magical holy blood but he said his body was actually pagan in origin while his spirit was that of a holy, yet cursed, saint.  I partook of the essence of Easter surging through his blood, and a power force of good shot through me as I grabbed the sword to face Devilish Drake again.  I knew in the end there could be only one Drake!  The Dark One looked at the holy werehare, and said,”After I destroy Drake your next bunny bitch!”

We fought for what seemed like forever as we lunged metal against metal in a titanic battle of good versus evil.  With the power of Easter behind me I eventually beat him down.   I ended up chopping his hand off! He fell to his knees ready for the beheading he deserved for so many months now.  I then said,”Any last words you wretched bastard!”  He then started bellowing,”Unholy Father help me!”  An apparition of the Devil surrounded in roaring flames instantly appeared in broad daylight, ”Your mission is done my sickening son. You have shamed me in your lowly handling of your Earthly form. Once you die here I will deal with you back in Hell.”  Dark Drake then screamed like a baby declaring he didn’t want to go back yet.  The Devil shook his head in disappointment before disappearing. I then swung the sword beheading the dastardly doppelganger who cried ”Nooooooooooooooooooo!”

Luckily the Easter Bunny saw what was about to happen, and he didn’t want the kids nearby to be traumatized so he created a mass delusion of a paradise countryside full of cute furry animals, and Easter eggs.  Upon the beheading a mass of bright eerie red lights emanated from his body, and multi-colored lightening bolts shot everywhere.  Most of them absorbed into me. It was my first Highlander moment since nothing like that ever happened before.  Normally you kill a paranormal entity, and they either simply die with no fanfare, or they disappear into flames, ashes, sparkles, etc.  I felt a surge of dark energy, and tried to fight it’s mental effects.  I think holding Xavier’s mystical sword of the light prevented me from turning evil under the influence of such dark demonic power.  When it was over I was exhausted, and slumped to the ground.  I crawled over to Duanna to console her.  Her legs had been cut off near the hip but they had already grown back to the knee since vampires regenerate lost limbs.  Although she was turning red, and smoking as the Gnome blood had drained from her.  The holy sun was beginning to extinguish her living dead life.  I was too weak to lift her up but the Easter Bunny came over, and placed his furry paws upon her causing Duanna to be safe in the sun, and for her legs to grow back within seconds in an array of sparkling yellow, and pink lights.

The Easter Bunny went about healing everyone as the kids, and parents converged on us.  The Easter Bunny then announced,”Let us thank the fine folks here at Mystic Investigations for a first class Easter special effects spectacular!”  Everyone clapped, and cheered with glee at this most unusual Easter show. Xavier chimed in,”And let us thank..ah…Bob here for having such a cool Easter Bunny costume!”  More cheering as the Easter Bunny took a bow, and winked at Xavier. The Easter Bunny frolicked with the kids, and hid his own magical eggs for them to find.  The mystical Werehare also sent forth the energy of Easter, and deleted the video evidence, mostly shot on smart phones, of our supernatural battle so we wouldn’t all be in violation of the Supernatural Secrecy Pact. It turned out to be an Easter Sunday we would never forget!  Unfortunately we are now facing a Halloween which may hold the physical manifestation of the Devil as he looks to father the Anti-Christ.

As the fun ended later that afternoon the Easter Bunny bid us farewell, and promised to visit his new friends at Mystic Investigations again soon.  He thanked us for saving his life, and we reciprocated for saving us.  The bunny left me with a special golden Easter egg which he said would come in handy very soon.  Then the peaceful being of joy transmuted into a small brown bunny, and hopped away at light speed leaving a trail of pink glitter in his path.  God bless the Easter Bunny, and we hope everyone on Earth had a happy Easter!

Update: Anti-Christ Was Born April 2015!

The Anti-Claus Cometh

I was heading home from the office when I got an emergency call on my CB radio, which all Mystic employees have in their personal cars.  We at Mystic Investigations are on call 24-7 because supernatural evil never sleeps.  A frantic woman reported a gnome in her cellar.  She had called 911 first but the police laughed at her, and told her not to call again or she’d be in deep trouble.   I was thinking that maybe it was a scared Elf since this is the time of year for Santa’s Enchanted Elves to roam about spreading good cheer in the spirit of Christmas.  It’s unusual for gnomes to be active in December.  I was the closest one to her house so I answered the call.  I pulled up to Mrs.Jenkins residence at about 6:00 PM, and she ran out of the house screaming “Gnome!  Gnome!”  I got out of my car, and tried to calm the woman down but she was quite hysterical.  The Gnome apparently bolted up the steps, and entered her kitchen.  I finally got her to sit on the porch as I entered the house.

I shined my flashlight about into every dark corner as I flipped every light on I could since Gnomes loath bright light.  Gnomes are ferocious little 2 foot tall creatures who thrive off of eating children which energizes them, and extends their lives by 13 years.  They use magical means to render the kids unconscious thanks to their mystical pointy red hats.  This is needed since so many kids are bigger than them. Unfortunately they are one of the few evil supernatural beings that are not poisoned by the innocence of children.  Since Christmas revolves around this innocence, and focuses good magic, it’s very unusual for a Gnome to be anywhere except in hiding.  Especially with Santa’s Elves out in full force.  A Gnome would be no match for an Enchanted Elf.  Also a Gnome can’t enter a home due to global curse similar to the one keeping vampires out of private residences.  Although they can get inside if they hide in a bag or a box that gets taken indoors.

All the sudden I hear a screeching maniacal laugh come from behind me as I spin around, and see a red hat whiz past me.  I now knew it was indeed a Gnome, and ran into the living room after it.  They move ultra fast, and he had already disappeared even though I entered two seconds after him.  I cautiously surveyed the room, and began looking under, and behind all the furniture.  I was careful to make sure he didn’t get past me and out of the room.  I couldn’t seem to find him until I looked up at the ceiling fan, and his hellish snarling tiny face plummeted down toward mine as he let out an insane chuckle.

I caught him before he landed on me but he squirmed around like crazy, and was attempting to bite me while he growled madly. Although it sounded like a deranged poodle.  I finally flung him against a wall, and pulled out my holy water squirt gun blessed by Father Tom Davis.  I shot it at the little monstrous menace, and he screamed in agony as plumes of smoke rose from his body. He then shot toward me, and threw some sort of sparkling dust in my face which blinded me.  I then felt an excruciatingly painful bite on my leg, and I fell to the ground.

The menacing midget climbed on my chest, and looked down at me with utter hatred as he muttered,”You better be bad, and never swell.  Or the Anti-Claus will take you straight to hell!”  He started up his snide deranged high pitched laughter so I clocked him in the jaw knocking him out cold.  I unfolded a heavy duty bag from my coat pocket which was enchanted by our resident witch Rebecca Abernathy.  I put the little bastard inside, and carried him out the door.  I told Mrs.Jenkins that the house was clean, and informed her to place blessed lawn or garden Gnome statues around her house as deterrents.  I also told her to search bags, or boxes she brings into the house so nothing’s hiding inside.

I threw the bag in the trunk, and pulled away as I contemplated how this Gnome apparently was an agent of the Anti-Claus, Santa’s evil twin demonic brother.  It was known that the Dark Claus indeed did employ Gnomes as his Elves.  I called Rebecca on my cell phone to tell her I was bitten so she could whip up a magical remedy.  She then called our Cryptozoologist Ashley Abercrombie, and they were both heading down to the Mystic Investigation offices.   I began feeling a bit woozy as I drove down Forest View Lane toward the office when a beautiful woman with long raven hair wearing a black robe, and a pointy black witches hat suddenly appeared in the center of the road in front of me.  She shot lightening bolts out her hands causing my left front tire to blow out.  I swerved out of control into a ditch, and my air bag deployed.  I open the door quickly, and sprang out in the dark woods dimly lit by a street lamp.

She was walking toward me with a look of evil determination on her rather attractive face.  She then yelled,”You have my Gnome mortal!”  I then said,”Seriously a black pointy hat 2011?  1888 telegraphed, and they want their hat back!”  We both laughed simultaneously, and then she shot some electrical bolts from her hands toward me but I leaped behind the car.  I popped up on the other side, and shot her with the holy water gun.  It caused smoke to rise from her but it didn’t really hurt her as she said,”Seriously holy water?”  I then replied,”I was trying to be nice but maybe you’ll like this better bitch!”  I then pulled out my real gun, and shot several rounds of silver bullets at her but she waved her hand with each shot and it was deflected.  I then tossed the gun, and round house kicked her in the face but she shook it off, and chuckled in a sadistic manner.  She then round house kicked me, and I went flying against the back window of my car causing it to shatter.

I quickly slid off, and continued to dodge her magical attacks as I ran into the dark woods.  She chose not to pursue me, and instead opened my car trunk without a key, and took out the bag with the Gnome in it. However it’s magical protective properties literally shocked her, and she abruptly dropped it to the ground.  Then she screamed into the woods,”Get the hell over here, and open this bag or you’re done for you bastard!”  I called Rebecca but the line was busy so I instead called up Drake Alexander, our resident vampire, for help.  He lives nearby at his manor in the Mystical Forest, and the minute I told him what was going on he said he was already halfway there thanks to his super speed sprinting.

The wicked witch walked into the woods screaming for me as she shot random electrokinetic bolts causing trees, and brush to light on fire.  I pulled out a small herbal satchel Rebecca had given me.  It contained Sempervivum, and Cicerbita Sow Thistle which are known herbal witch repellents.  I then skulked about the woods making my way near her.  I jumped out from behind some bushes and threw the bag of herbs at her.  An explosive burst of neon blue light blew from her as she was thrown at least 20 feet against a tree where she lied slumped against it.  I was blown back into the bushes but got up quickly, and walked toward her.

She actually looked rather peaceful, and even a bit silly lying there with her dark cone hat crooked.  That was until she sprang up at light speed without warning, and grabbed me by the neck with a look of deep malice in her hazel eyes which now glowed green as the blazing fires roared around us.  She angrily exclaimed,”Your little herbs are no match for the power I wield thanks to my Dark Lord, The Anti-Claus, and my fellow sisters of darkness in the Claus Coven.”  She confirmed she was a member of the infamous Anti-Claus Coven, and then I knew I was in deep doody.  The Anti-Claus coven is one of the most powerful groups of witches on Earth.

I was choking from lack of air under her magically induced strength when a hand pulled hers from my neck.  It was Drake Alexander growling like a lion with fangs exposed, and eyes glowing red with anger.  She then laughed,”A vampire!  Things just got fun!”  He then struggled with her as electrical sparks shot from her hands making contact with Drake.  However it didn’t effect him since vampires can’t be electrocuted.  He then bit into her neck, and drank of her magical blood causing her to scream in terror.  She quickly kneed him in the balls, and threw him 20 feet into a tree causing it split in half as she yelled,”Timber!”

I came up behind her, and got her in a choke hold as I held another herbal satchel over her mouth, and nose.  She was gagging, screaming, and staggering about the woods wildly as I held on tight riding her about like a pack mule.  Her strength was amazing considering she was only about 5’7″, and rather petite.  It must have looked odd for such a small woman to be lugging around a 6′ 2″ man weighing 215 pounds. She then began gripping my hand with extreme painful pressure causing me to loose my grip, and fall to the ground.  I look over and see Drake standing there as he yells,”Hey witch here’s a taste of your own medicine!”  She looks over at him, and says,”What the…..”  Drake immediately shoots electrokinetic bolts from his hands causing the witch to cut through a tree while he bellows,”Timber!”

I had forgotten that vampires can temporarily obtain a witches power by drinking their blood.  Drake seemed to be enjoyed it as he smiled with glee, and whizzed past me in a blur toward the witch.  Instead of grabbing her he pointed his hand at her, and she began levitating off the ground.  I walked up behind him, and informed him that she’s working for the Anti-Claus.  Drake then demanded to know what nefarious plot the Dark Santa had in store for humankind, and what role our fair community of Woodland Springs played in their plans.  She refused to talk until Drake lowered her in front of him, and he began using his vampire hypnosis on her.  She fought it but eventually she was open to suggestion.

Drake asked her what she knew, and she began talking.  However a hoard of at least 50 Gnomes suddenly scurried from the woods screeching forth their sinister laugh of evil.  We were surrounded by 2 foot tall micro monsters wearing tall pointy red hats as the wicked witch broke free of Drake’s trance and screeched,”Tear them limb from limb my little pretties!”  Drake punched her in the face, and she appeared to be knocked out as he began attacking the Gnome herd.  They launched themselves into the air, and were hanging all over Drake as he shot lightening bolts from his hand shocking several of them.  I began punching, and kicking all the ones who came at me.  Unfortunately every other one managed to bite me as I became more, and more dizzy from their poison.  The Gnomes attacking Drake weren’t biting him because a vampires blood is deadly to them.  While we waged war in the woods a dark figure emerged from the forested shadows on the other side of the road, and walked to my automobile trunk.  The white bearded man in black took the bag with the gnome in it, and stared at me with sinister glowing sanguine eyes before disappearing back into the woods.  Could it be the Anti-Claus?

By Xavier Remington

To Be Continued…

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