Yes folks unfortunately it’s that time of year again. The sinister Abominable Snowmen, aka Yeti, are making their way down from the Arctic Circle as winter encapsulates the Northern Hemisphere. This includes North America, Europe, Russia, China, and most other areas that are joined with a main continent. The Abominable Snowman is also a danger on the various high mountain ranges of the world, such the Himalayas, Alps, Urals, and Rockies, where it’s always winter. These monstrous yet deeply devious beasts generally travel about with snow storms when not near the the Arctic. With the first snows of the season being experienced in the United States we’re already getting reports of these albino menaces chasing people down, forcing cars, and even semi-trucks off the road along with crashing through doors, and windows into homes, and businesses. The government, and mainstream media have been working overtime to cover up these events.
The Abominable Snowman has bright white fur, black eyes that glow yellow when enraged, and saber like claws, and steel sharp teeth. They weigh 600-800 pounds at 8-9 feet in height. They have deeply enhanced senses, especially scent, and their strength lies above that of Werewolves yet just below that of a fifth generation vampire. Their intelligence allows them set simple traps. Expect them to pop out of snow banks, icy lakes, from snow filled tree, or from within a pine grove. Also expect them to dig holes, and cover them with snow so you can fall in. In addition they’ve been known to weaken ice over bodies of water to trap you as well. If you hear an unholy echoing growl that sounds like a grizzly bear on steroids then an Abominable Snowman is near. If you see their tracks in the snow then run for your life! The Yeti footprint somewhat resembles that of a giant ape.
Unlike their docile cousins the Sasquatch, aka Bigfoot, they aren’t immune to magic. Magic, beheading, and complete incineration by flame were previously the only methods to repel or eradicate the Abominable Snowman. Recently Mystic Investigations extensive research uncovered a natural remedy to the Yeti menace. A small shrub called Arctic Willow (Salix arctica), the northern most woody plant on Earth, mixed with Reindeer Lichen (Moss) (Cladonia rangiferina), an Arctic fungi, along with Antarctic Pearlwort (Colobanthus quitensis) has been shown to repel the Abominable Snowman. Previously Arctic Willow, and Reindeer Moss were ingredients in Eskimo Witch Doctor potions used in warding off the snow monsters. On their own however they did nothing without magical activation. With the addition of the Antarctic Pearlwort there’s no need for mystical intervention so the average person can wield it’s power. These herbs can be mixed in a small pouch to carry with you, or hang in doorways, and windows. If by some fluke you’re able to grow these plants around your home that might work as well. Just plant them intermixed so they’re touching each other.
There has also been limited success mixing the herbs in steaming hot water to make a tea of sorts. This tea is then loaded into a squirt gun to fire at the Yeti. The water must be hot to be effective since they hate all things that are not near the freezing point. Our new information on this fantastic foliage comes from the top secret Paranormal Activity Network (PAN), and has only been documented in a handful of cases. Until we personally try out these foliage countermeasures we recommend avoidance of the Yeti rather than relying on the paranormal plant mix, or engaging it in battle. It’s best to bury yourself in the snow, play dead, or run as fast as you can. The Abominable Snowman is all about the hunt, and it generally ignores the non-living. Despite it’s long stride, and ease traversing the snow it does not run. They only walk very fast so there’s a chance you can outrun. Just remember that one trip on the snow or slip on the ice can mean the end for you. Be sure you have somewhere to run before you get tired because Yeti will relentlessly pursue prey for several hours.
If you spot an Abominable Snowman contact your nearest paranormal investigations firm, Cryptozoological Museum, or Yeti Hunters. Don’t attempt to engage the beast on your own! Once they have your scent they won’t quit hunting you down until the deed is done! Pray for a mild snow free winter, and may the Spirit Of Christmas be with you during these dangerous ice ridden times!