The Totally Excellent Immortal Adventures Of Keanu Reeves
Keanu Reeves, one of the most masterful thespians of modern times, is indeed an Immortal whose original name is simply Keanu without any surname. Naturally Keanu, other Immortals, and various Supernatural Beings want to keep their true nature a secret to prevent themselves from becoming human lab rats in government, and private corporate labs. Fortunately the nature of our vast celebrity media hides his Immortality behind an internet meme so most think it’s just a joke or a way of saying he ages well. Various Immortals such as Keanu eagerly await the day when science achieves immortality so they can simply say they took the cure for aging, or reveal they are a true Immortal since it won’t be such a big deal at that point. Those of us aware of his Immortality in the true paranormal community know of his plans to hold a news conference after the aging cure has been achieved. Only then will he finally lift the yoke of secrecy from his back to tell the world of his totally excellent adventures spanning a time most likely even before the birth of Jesus Christ! Keanu occasionally hints at his Immortality as he is dying to let the truth loose. His most famous Immortal quote alludes to the billions he has stashed away in banks, and hideaways around the world, “Money is the last thing I think about. I could live on what I have already made for the next few centuries.”
Keanu’s story begins somewhere between 2000, and 2500 years ago according to his estimates. Unfortunately his mind wasn’t able to contain his complete vast storehouse of memories over the countless centuries that melded together. Especially the long periods of time without a standard calendar system. Just think how hard it is to remember what you did even a year ago at this exact time! His true father was an ancient Polynesian Prince who took part in a magical ceremony that unintentionally coincided with a dark magic ritual taking place at Stonehenge in Ancient England under a solar eclipse. A strikingly beautiful Celtic woman who was to be sacrificed to demonic entities was saved by being sucked into the bright light of the porthole. It seems the simultaneous rituals of opposite intent caused a supernatural attraction resulting in a paranormal porthole! The woman assumed she was dead, and transported to Heaven, aka the Polynesian paradise. She was of course Keanu’s Mom who fell in love with the exotic Prince. After marrying shortly after that Keanu was born nine months later. It’s said a cool breeze swept suddenly off a nearby mountain as Keanu was born. It brought an end to an unusual period of blistering heat. Hence his name which means “Cool Mountain Breeze“. So it seems Keanu Reeves birth was fated by the Gods or some force of good in our Universe for he has been nothing but a hero to thousands over the centuries!
For at least the first hundred years of Keanu’s life he was known as the wise ageless one revered by his people as a savior, and even a God. However he had great humility, and respect for his people. He quickly set them straight that he was merely a man blessed by the Gods for reason unknown. Regrettably he was forced to leave after the rise of a new Polynesian royal regime that saw him as a threat to the throne. The people were looking more, and more to Keanu for guidance while ignoring the King. The royal family did not want a King Keanu who was not of royal lineage. Especially one who would never die…at least by natural causes. The royals branded his immortality as evil, and the populace turned on him after he was framed for various mishaps, and deaths. He was forced on to a boat, and cast to sea where he spent several hellish months alone in the open shark infested waters of the Pacific Ocean. He eventually ended up in Hawaii which he found deserted at the time. So technically Keanu is the first Hawaiian. Once there he built a better bigger boat, and something told him to head east rather west to the America’s. Once in the Far East he began his martial arts training. He also became enlightened in the study of Buddhism. Reeves has traveled to every nation on Earth over the past two Millennia but only once has he left the planet. After the release of his film The Day The Earth Stood Still in 2008, he was abducted by little green aliens. The good ones as opposed to the little evil Grey ones. Apparently his portrayal of the extraterrestrial Klaatu caught their interest. He spent some time touring the Solar System, and nearby star systems before being returned to Earth weeks later. He stays in contact with them every so often since they warned him the Greys might attempt to abduct him!
Unfortunately Keanu Reeves doesn’t possess amortality, and could tragically be taken down via beheading, or complete bodily incineration! So far it seems his skill, and in some cases fated luck, have spared this from happening. He is a rare breed of simple immortal that is born among humans by genetic fluke each generation or so. However there is a latent immortality gene in all humans that is product of our higher dimensional souls. With each passing century more of Keanu’s kind are being born! These type of Immortals simply have cells that refuse to die. The Telomere’s at the end of Keanu’s Chromosomes simply don’t degrade with each cell division so his cells remain healthy, and don’t produce imperfect aging copies. He is somewhat like the immortal animals that exist in abundance on our planet. He possesses no extra special powers. However those totally excellent cells afford him rapid healing of injuries, and an amazing immunity against all manner of disease he’s come across over the ages. He’s also developed a sixth sense when it comes to detecting danger in his vicinity.
Keanu survived the dreaded Black Plague of the 14th century. He has stated to those of us in the supernatural community that those two weeks his immune system fought off the Plague were some of the darkest times of his life. He lie sick in bed sure he was going to die. The Plague was the product of the diabolical paranormal Plague Doctor. A nefarious progenitor of all manner of disease meant to bring suffering, and death upon humankind for his own amusement, and amassing of power as each death is a sacrifice to his higher dimensional Masters. Keanu managed to survive a direct encounter with this filthy fiend, and a variety of other supernatural villians courtesy of resilience, and wondrous Kung Fu skills acquired over the centuries. Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies, and all manner of monsters have failed to take down this dynamic dude! At this time he is considered the top Kung Fu master on Earth, and virtually the top martial arts master since the death of Bruce Lee who he secretly advised behind the scenes. Only those born with genetic based martial arts powers might possibly best him. Thankfully such people are even rarer than Immortals! He’s also mastered a number of other useful skills due to his immensely long existence. Most of these, such as Multilingualism, he keeps secret since he would have to manufacture more of a backstory for each skill. In the Immortal secret identity game it’s about keeping it as simple as possible so there’s no contradictions in the story of his life when doing interviews with the media.
Even more amazing than surviving the Plague was Keanu’s survival after being exposed directly to the zombie virus! He was bitten by a Zombie in 1957 within the jungles of Kenya as he saved a group of villagers form a walking dead horde. He was immediately treated by a Kenyan Witchdoctor. Normally even with such treatment the patient either dies, or becomes an unstable zombie-human hybrid. Keanu was deathly sick for a month straight! Luckily the Witchdoctor kept him asleep within pleasant dreams most of the time so it wasn’t as hellish as his Black Plague experience. He states that,”After being infected with the Zombification virus everything is easy!” Certainly the radiation of the Russian Chernobyl Incident was no match for him as he saved many lives there in 1986. Keanu described his radiation sickness as,”Three days of blasphemous burning!” Clearly his awesome cells were literally burning off the radiation! Losing limbs is also not any big woof for Mr. Reeves. He’s lost all of his five major limbs at one time or another! Yeah that fifth one is a real bitch but he said it grew back longer the second time! Oh my God! 😉 Everything on him grows back the same as it was for the most part, and he has no scars whatsoever! Even organs regenerate. There was that time he was captured by some nutty cult in India, and they literally ripped his heart out of his chest in the hopes of siphoning off his Immortal energies. Keanu fell into a coma for a week before his heart completely crew back. He dug his way out of a shallow grave, and exacted revenge against the cult leaders with extreme prejudice!
Despite all that simply losing his head would be the end of him! Keanu was almost beheaded in 1794 amid the French Revolution via Guillotine. He closed his eyes, and prayed to whoever was listening to spare his life. Miraculously the blade sliced through the back of his neck but was stopped by a cervical vertebrae bone! At least that’s what he theorizes. The crowd gasped in shock as Priests immediately put a stop to it saying it was a miracle of the Lord. Before releasing him they tested him with crucifixes, and holy water to confirm he wasn’t a vampire, or some other demon based creature. He mentions that the neck wound took the longest to heal out of any injury he had including the loss of a leg. It took a complete six months or so before all signs of the injury were eradicated from the back of his neck.
Over the centuries he’s taken on many identities, and dispensed with disguises to simulate aging in order to hide his immortal status. Something very essential over the dark ages of humanity where anyone out of ordinary could easily be branded a spawn of Satan, or some kind of witch. He had several close calls with superstitious torch wielding mobs hopped up on self-righteous religious dogma. For most of his life, before convincing disguises, he has to move on every 10 years or so to a new life. In later centuries he utilized paste on beards, wigs, hair dyes, prosthetics, and makeup to simulate the aging process. Every so often Keanu would run across a witch who he’d purposely seduce so she would Glamour him into looking older, or even younger in some cases to maximize the span of his various aliases. Within the modern metaphysical community now globally connected he has consistent access to witches, and is currently using a Glamour to cause himself to age, or even gain weight. Unfortunately his attempts to practice magic or even load up on borrowed magic consistently fail for reasons unknown. In fact his Glamouring spell needs to be renewed almost daily by a powerful witch when it should last for at least three months. It’s thought his healing powers extend to the metaphysical level, and actually repel the magic as a foreign body via his Chakra’s. This does give him some immunity to magic but he can be easily overwhelmed by powerful spells. Certainly his recent bout with the Winter God Jack Frost has shown how vulnerable he can be to other worldly powers! It’s a fair bet that he could fight off virtually any magic if given enough time to heal. Keanu has mentioned attempts to mystically curse him on at least eight different occasions have failed!
Keanu Reeves has had a variety of identities over the centuries courtesy of identity experts who cater to a menagerie of supernatural beings. It’s only in this era of global mainstream media that he could use his real first name as it doesn’t stand out as suspicious sounding. He kept a low profile for most of history with his Reeves incarnation being only the third famous one. His first, and probably most prolific was that of Charlemagne. Charles The Great, or Charles I, as he was also known in the mid 700’s to early 800’s AD, saw Keanu rising to the throne of the first Holy Roman Emperor since the fall of the Roman Empire! He was responsible for uniting most of Western Europe. He never sought a role in government again since it drew unwanted attention from powerful Paranormals such as Vampire Royalty who relish in feasting upon Immortal human blood! Vampire royals, and other supernatural organizations have links to all governments on Earth, and heads of state must deal with them.
His second somewhat famous alias was that of the actor Paul Mounet who existed from 1847-1922. Keanu used extensive theatrical beards, wigs, and cosmetics to simulate being a 75 year old before his faked death by heart attack. Interestingly no body was found because Keanu went to Hawaii on an extended vacation. Mystic Investigations Executive Vice-President, and 700 something vampire Drake Alexander first met Keanu within his Mounet identity. You can read about it here.
He found a love for acting again several decades later as a plethora of opportunities existed that previously hadn’t during his time as Paul Mounet.He weighed the pros, and cons of potential global fame as he had great confidence in his acting ability. After speaking with some gifted psychics he went for it! Especially after they said that in all likelihood a cure for aging would be found within an acceptable span of his Reeves incarnation. He wanted fame if for no other reason than to finally share his Immortal secret with the entire planet! Although until then he shuns public attention for fear of his secret being leaked too early! He enlisted one of the most trusted team of identity hackers to weave the webs of his fictional past. His father, and mother are naturally not Samuel Nowlin Reeves, Jr and Patricia Taylor. They were paid to be his parents. In essence accepting a full time acting role within real life. Regrettably Samuel used his easy cash to fuel his drug addiction which eventually led to substantial jail time. Patricia, and Keanu grew close. He now considers her to be his Mom on an emotional level. Kim Reeves, Karina Miller, and Emma Reeves are touted as being his sisters, and truly believe Keanu is their brother via psychic memory implants. They have vivid memories of knowing Keanu their entire lives Memories were also implanted within classmates, and other people who should have witnessed his life before his acting career began. Another work of fine identity art that includes intricately doctored photos of his childhood. Keanu considers this his second favorite identity next to Charlemagne. Once his Immortality is public he would like to lead the entire Earth into an era of unprecedented peace, and enlightenment for the betterment of all humankind everywhere!
Keanu Reeves is presently known as a totally awesome actor by day, and an Immortal crime fighter by night battling the forces of supernatural darkness, and even sometimes human evil as well. On Christmas 2015 he was invited to Santa Claus’s North Pole City where he received a surprise Lifetime Achievement Claus Award for recognition of his centuries of service to humankind. Both his personal sacrifices, and risk of bodily harm along with his numerous selfless charitable contributions were praised by Saint Nicholas, the leader of all that is good, and holy on Earth. While there he met the fabled Snow Queen Elsa who he is currently privately dating. This may sound insane even in comparison to the immortality but many supernatural truths are released as fictional works into our society so nobody will suspect they’re real.
All this being said we aren’t violating Keanu’s trust since he wants his story out there. Especially for those who truly believe in him. Although most won’t believe this story, and this ends up protecting him at the end of the day. Placing this story out there also heads off any reporters or investigators looking into his past. They’ll never be taken seriously thus again protecting Keanus Immortal status by having the truth out in plain sight. It’s a common technique used by the governments to cover up the supernatural world by leaking real paranormal stories to Hollywood, and book authors. May Keanu Reeves excellent adventures continue onwards for eternity, and beyond!
Keanu Reeves anticipating the potential for a long acting career actually utilized the services of a trusted witch to magically Glamour himself to appear 20 years old as seen in one of his first public appearances below. In reality his natural state is that of a 33 year old man which is the norm for human Immortals to stop aging at. Clearly there was a long period of time between his supposed late 20’s, and recently, as he approached what should be his early 50’s, where he didn’t Glamour to hide his immortality.
Kung Fu Keanu In Action!
Only In The 21st Century Has Keanu Shown An Interest In Firearms