Marvin Hanks

Milton Marvin

Marvin somewhat resembles Milton from Office Space!

Marvin Hanks is an extremely low level employee at Mystic Investigations. So low in fact we have no idea what he does but we pay him $107 a week to do it.  However he may have started out as a file clerk. Also I must say he is quite handy eradicating the rats, mice, cockroaches, and spiders that lurk about the sublevels of our vast facility.  The last place he worked at mysteriously burned to the ground which is how he found his way to our doorstep. Marvin is unaware of the paranormal world, and has shown little acknowledgement of blatant enchanted events at our offices. Most likely a coping mechanism to avoid the horror of our supernatural reality!  Although Marvin filed a complaint with HR when a vampire bit him, and spat out his vile blood in disgust.  A vampire who was then weakened, and easily staked!  Marvin simply called the vampire “a crazed loon who bit him on the neck!”

Marvin works in the sub-basement with large humming electrical fuse boxes behind him. His Office Space is populated with ancient Mad Men style office staples. Next to his desk is a utility sink where he profusely washes his hands every 15 minutes due to various OCD issues. He’s been reprimanded for stealing the hand soap from the rest rooms upstairs when he uses his up! Another aspect of his OCD is his obsession with his red Swingline stapler. He’s extremely paranoid about it, and constantly accuses people of stealing it.  In fact he carries it around everywhere, and then absent mindedly leaves it somewhere!  The last place it was found was sitting on the toilet tank in the women’s restroom. Marvin had no explanation how it got there. Yeah right Marvin! He also complains about never getting treats when we pass them out. Particularly cake when celebrating someone’s birthday. Even if it’s his own!  It’s not intentional, and merely bad luck that everything is eaten up by the time he gets to it!

Marvin is a slovenly middle aged overweight white guy with a comb over hair style. He also has a distinct BO odor combined with a lack of washing his clothes. Some have nauseatingly described subtle overtones of garlic, onions, and Limburger cheese wafting about in the overall eclectic mix of offending aromas. Oddly enough he loves his strong smelling plug-in artificial chemical deodorizers to maximize his risk for lung cancer even without the blatant idiocy of smoking. Unfortunately they usually smell like a cross between standard bathroom spray with fecal undertones, rotten eggs, wet dog, and hamster cage. Although the egg smell might be his passing of noxious gasses or his tendency to suck on a hard boiled egg every so often!  With so many good smelling deodorizers, and healthy aromatherapy options it’s amazing he chooses such horrible stenches!

Hank’s is soft spoken with a tendency to mutter, and stutter. Since he’s going bald he keeps an industrial size bottle of Rogaine on his desk in plain view for some odd reason. In addition he keeps his diarrhea medication, and other prescription drugs for embarrassing health conditions on his desk as well. That includes his impotence treatment! If only he knew of the natural options that would truly remedy rather than simply suppress symptoms, and leave toxins in his body along with a plethora of negative side effects!  Not surprising since he has a complete lack of embarrassment, common sense, and standard awareness of his reality. All traces of critical thinking are dead on arrival with this guy!  The only reason we don’t fire him is because he’s quite amusing sometimes!  We often joke that he’s reminiscent of Milton Waddams from the movie “Office Space“. Ironically it’s his favorite movie, and he often quotes from it.  And no we don’t have any corporate stooges on staff like Bill Lumbergh.  Although a number of people do stroll about with coffee cup in one hand, and TPS reports in the other. Some even take their coffee addiction to the toilet!

Amazingly enough a background check revealed this swinging bachelor has never been married! Our standard new employee hire surveillance confirms that he spends most of his time in his studio apartment above an antique shop playing beyond old 70’s video games.  His favorite appears to be Pong which he plays for hours on end. He also spends a great deal of time adjusting his comb-over into various positions. He even attempted the Triple Trump Comb-Over, and got his hands tangled in his hair for 3 hours before finally ripping himself free!  Marvin also has a ragged old looking clown doll he talks to, and sleeps with at night.  Before living in the studio apartment he resided in a rusty brown van down by the river, and before that in his step-mother’s basement for 15 years!

Whenever Marvin ventures upstairs he causes some level of trouble. He’s notorious for making the coffee machine overflow all over the kitchen counters, and floors at least twice a week! This insane idiocy has been going on for several years, and we’ve urged him to get an adult…I mean another employee to make the coffee if none is left.  There is a huge sign right next to the machine telling people how to properly prepare the coffee.  It’s unknown why he ignores it or can’t understand it! Ultimately we urge him to just get some Starbucks or bring his own coffee in a thermos. He confessed to having an after hours spaz related to this in which he threw coffee grounds all over the walls, and splashed coffee everywhere!  He’s also been known to launch aspirin all over the place when he can’t get the childproof lid off.  He’s also been known to cast his Skittles all over the floor in a rage over the stresses of his job. We paid for his anger management, and he seems better now!  Marvin also occasionally makes sick smelling goulash he buys online from some Gypsies in Hungary.  So far he’s ruined three microwaves totally staining them, and leaving them imbued with a permanent stench somewhat reminiscent of death itself! When cooking up his various noxious concoctions he leaves a sky high pile of dishes in the kitchen sink along with towels strewn about for someone else to deal with! In addition he has a bad habit of ruining our wood furniture, and we’ve had to dock his pay to get replacements! Coasters, and mats Marvin! Coasters, and mats!

We’re pretty sure Marvin is the one who’s been leaving curled up pieces of nasty used wet toilet paper all over the rest room floors.  We surmise he’s standing up, and wetting TP to wipe his messy rear! LOL!  We’re also rather sure he’s the one with the diarrhea splatters all over the seats, and even on the toilet tank!  How for the love of God do you shoot excrement all up on the tank, and even the walls on occasion!?!  We do provide our employees with high tech Japanese toilets that have bidets built in but it apparently scares Marvin. We’ve hinted that adult asswipes might be the best route, or better yet remedy the cause of his angst ridden bowel movements!  Certainly taking a decent prebiotic, probiotic, and digestive enzymes would be a logical starting point. Also it wouldn’t hurt if he gave his beloved Diet soda’s a rest. Another cancer cause, and intestinal destroyer! I’ve personally urged him to check if he’s possibly lactose, or gluten intolerant because it’s not normal to have such messed up bowels each day! People shouldn’t have to walk through his fields of filthy TP that gradually spread throughout our office in the course of the business day!

Marvin’s future at Mystic Investigations looks rather bleak as his annoyance to employees is beginning to outweigh the joy we get from the comic relief he provides for us!  He pulls himself out of the frying pan every so often by doing something so completely wacky that we profusely laugh until tears flow from our eyes!  Just the other day he ran upstairs to the second floor executive suites in a panic screaming that he thought he accidentally pooped his pants, and he needed to run home to get a change of underwear. Once again a total lack of embarrassment, and proper social grace!  He tripped, and fell near the steps tumbling down to the lobby. The giggles bellowed forth throughout our facility as he scrambled to his feet, and then proceeded to trip out the front door causing a small hair piece to fall on to the sidewalk! A squirrel promptly swooped in, and ran away with it! Marvin chased the little critter around the lawn area, and even climbed up a tree after it. He gave up after 15 minutes as we all stood at the window dying of laughter! He finally got into his early 1970’s rusty yellow Gremlin with one door painted brown, and sped down the road to New Underwear City! Never seen someone with a comb over, and a wig before but there’s always a first time for everything! Seriously you can’t make this stuff up folks!

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