The Vampire Cortez

Previously On Mystic Investigations (Click Here For Part 1)…
Cortez CompoundThe Vampire Cortez is listed in the global vampire archives as a despicable 971 year old 4th generation vampire who preys on humans for blood, and relishes in a prolonged agonizing kill! All generations of vampire 13, and higher are considered royalty to some extent so we had to tread lightly with this blasphemous bastard for fear of incurring the wrath of Transylvanian First Generation Royals! Especially since this puke appears to have participated in at least a handful of human hunts with Dracula back in the 1800’s. We’re not sure if they’ve kept in touch but if Dracula didn’t kill him then he must consider him at least worth a crap! Cortez holds the official vampire royal title of Marquess Of Central Colorado which gave him further prestige, and protection courtesy of higher level vampires!  So we had our work cut out for us if we were to save the newly discovered Immortal Fred Jacobson from his clutches!

The only thing on our side was the fact that apparently Cortez had a reputation for reckless rampages that threatened to expose vampires to the world.  He received a few slaps on the wrist from Transylvania, and wised up. He now satisfies his insatiable blood lust, and need to murder humans via elaborate gaslighting schemes. Especially when dealing with beings possessing special blood such as Immortals. Basically he, and his thugs drive their victims crazy, and then pose as mental health officials who implore families to commit the victim for their own good. This was the case with Fred who eventually began to act sane once we hid him at one of our safe houses. Unfortunately when dealing with vampires, and their insane sense of smell, instinct, and psychic abilities, it’s rather hard to hide from them!  We had to keep moving Fred around until we resolved this matter one way or another!

Our Scottish vampire associate Drake Alexander is known as somewhat of an outsider who has no interest in being apart of the vampire royal hierarchy.  Since he is a 5th generation vampire they leave him alone for the most part. Especially since his vampire mother, Duanna Sargon, is an extremely beguiling ancient 4th generation vampire princess who is beloved by many royals including King Dagan. Although his wife Queen Gula is very jealous of her. It’s rumored Dagan, and Duanna once had an affair back in 344 BC Ancient Greece. Supposedly they did it at Aristotle’s house. Amazingly we do know for sure that Dagan made him a vampire, and he’s still alive somewhere in Greece!  As for the rest unfortunately it’s not one of those things you can just casually ask a person! Believe me I’m dying to know! So Duanna will visit Cortez, and do all the talking with Drake in tow just in case there’s any trouble. The rest of us would not be welcome there…well we would as dinner!

The Demi-Zombie Ashley Abercrombie was doing better but still feels deep remorse over killing those four thugs in white. We still can be believe she went full zombie on them!  You should never go full zombie! The Good Witch Rebecca Abernathy returned from Ashley’s house now that her boyfriend, the Werewolf Seth Morgan, was back in town. She wanted to just go ahead with a frontal assault on the Vampire Cortez’s Colorado Springs compound wiping out his entire organization leaving no clue of our involvement behind. I’m not sure if we have the power to do that but Rebecca is usually the impulsive one who wants to mow through the forces of darkness with her powerful witchcraft. The total opposite of the normally calm, reserved, and rational Ashley Abercrombie. Rebecca was disappointed in seeing no action but I told her to be ready just in case!  Certainly the Vampire Cortez, and all his cohorts deserved to die since Vampire Slayers consider him a top prize in Colorado. It’s estimated he’s the most prolific killer of humans in our State, and possibly the entire Western United States!

Duanna flew in on her private jet from her palace in Turkey, and went with Drake to the Cortez Compound not long after sunset.  Not only were there human minions but also vampire thugs as well. They all looked upon Duanna with lust but Drake with disgust. Drake was disgusted as well to see various human males, and females lying about who looked emaciated as they were drained of blood under the hypnotic spell of the living dead. Cortez happily greeted his guests in his den of iniquity, and hid his disdain for Drake. The plan was to charm him before breaching the subject of Fred.  An egotistical vampire with his level of pride was sure to say no without some buttering up.  He got very intimate with Duanna as they snuggled, and giggled near the hearth while Drake sat in a chair nearby nursing his 100 year old Scotch. Finally Duanna asked if he could release Fred Jacobson to them in exchange for a future favor. A favor from a powerful Vampiress like Duanna was worth a lot in the vampire community!

Despite this he still refused until Drake said,”We’ll give you the Immortal Keanu Reeves!” That got his attention as he had a look of pleasant surprise on his face. Even dare I say a slight sign of a joyful tear appeared! He replied,”Oh sweet son of Satan are you serious? You can get me the Immortal Reeves?”  Drake responded,”Yes he thinks we’re good friends so I can lure him here.”  Cortez then inquired,”Why would you give up the most prized human blood asset on Earth for a pathetic sub-standard immortal slob like Fred?” Drake then lied, and said,”Keanu has insulted me on several occasions, and his ego needs to be taken down a few pegs! It’s the perfect opportunity to teach him a lesson, and solve our little problem.  You don’t mind if I visit every so often to gloat, and taunt him?” Cortez finally agreed,”Oh of course I wouldn’t mind welcoming the man who made me the envy of the vampire world! Reeves I would not extinguish! He would be a fine wine to savour for all eternity! Yes if you can get me Keanu then Fred is yours! Not much of a deal on your end but whatever floats your boat pal!”

He cackled like a loon for a bit as Duanna, and Drake prepared to leave. Suddenly he said,”Ah Duanna I think we have some unfinished business my dear!  I do believe a sign of good faith would help me believe you’re really going to hand Keanu over to me! This just all seems too good to be true! After centuries of eluding us the holy grail of blood is just tossed on my doorstep like an edition of The Gazette!”  Duanna sighed a bit, and strolled toward Cortez smiling seductively before passionately kissing him. They then both headed upstairs to his bedroom suite.  Drake was about to protest but Duanna raised a hand silently ordering him to back down.  He sat back in his chair, and his super hearing eventually heard amorous sounds coming from upstairs. He was quite agitated by the unsavory situation but kept his cool while he sat alone in the dimly lit den.

Twenty minutes passed, and he eventually blocked out the salacious sounds.  Especially since another noise hit his ears. A noise of silent desperation. A girl who couldn’t have been more than 13 was crying in the basement,”I want to go home! Mommy help me!” Suddenly the deep voice of a man screamed,”Shut up you little brat! Master will have you later tonight!” He laughed maniacally as the sound of a metal door slamming shut could be heard. Drake knew they were here on a specific mission, and it wasn’t to save all the lost human souls in this hell hole. It went against everything he stood for. After hearing the girl cry for five more minutes, along with empathically feeling the living hell all manner of people were going through, he had enough!

Drake strolled out of the den, and was immediately halted with two hands on his chest. One from each of two guards standing outside the door.  Both were vampires.  Drake smiled, and said,”I’m dying for some blood! Could I please visit your blood cellar?”  One of them angrily replied,”Nobody gets blood in this house unless Master commands it! Get back in the den traitor!”  Drake then replied,”I’m not a traitor! I just want to be free, and live my own way.”  The other one responded,”Yeah we know you kill our kind you bastard! If Master ordered us we’d stake your ass right now!”  Drake’s grin left his face as his eyes glowed seriously crimson, and he appeared a bit monstrous with fangs extended.  Drake then exclaimed,”Thankfully I’m not a pathetic lackey who kisses a Masters ass. I don’t need anyone’s permission to do this!”  Drake pulled out a wooden stake, and vanquished the two vampires before they could say a word. They burst into unholy violet flames, and were ash within seconds.

Another vampire had been walking nearby, and came running since the sound of extinguished vampire makes a very distinct noise. Drake quickly snapped his neck, and then proceeded to decapitate him with his bare hands causing another cloud of ash to fly about the now smokey room! Luckily there were no surveillance cams as they couldn’t risk someone tapping into the feed, and having video proof of vampires for the mainstream media to see!  Drake looked around nervously as he called Rebecca Abernathy on his cell phone. He whispered, “It’s a go! I’m taking down this sick bastard!” Rebecca excitedly replied,”Yes!” She was right outside the compound as she bellowed,”Mystic Sphere!“, and flew on to the property in her protective witchcraft based pink metaphysical energy bubble. As she came whizzing on to the compound grounds some guards looked up, and fired machine guns at her but the bullets bounced off. Flying in behind her was the rest of our team in the Mysticopter flown by none other than myself with Ex-Navy Seal Hunter Jackson in the co-pilot seat.  It’s a highly advanced military attack helicopter with all manner of weaponry. Certainly it’s not legal to own but nobody can prove it even exists! While Rebecca fired volleys of magical energies we shot bullets, and missiles with extreme prejudice!

Meanwhile in Cortez’s bedroom his super senses, including his psychic abilities, had no indication of the carnage reigning down on his despicable compound. Despite him, and Duanna being 4th Generation vampires, she was far more powerful due to being over 4000 years old while he was a spring chicken at barely 1000 years old!  She had him completely compelled in her sensual love trance. This was necessary to prevent him from psychically informing the royals around the world that Mystic Investigations had attacked him!  The other vampires were quite young, and not powerful enough to do that. They were sire bonded to Cortez who was their Master. Their living dead father who brought them across into the dark shadows of bloody eternal damnation!

We landed the chopper just as Rebecca’s supernatural sphere crashed through the front doors causing splinters to fly about.  Our talented team followed her in dressed in black military garb armed with everything in our arsenal!  Drake continued to stalk, and stake vampires, and guards around the house while we took the rest head on.  He began rounding up human captives, and guiding them out the back doors. Drake made his way to the basement, and witnessed the sheer horror of innocent people locked away in lion cages. In fact there were a few cages with lions, tigers, and grizzly bears in them! Apparently Cortez was a big shot who liked to show off by wresting wild animals! Drake began releasing people, and guiding them to the exits while talking down armed punks along the way. He was riddled with bullets but they didn’t affect his living dead body! He was about to unlock the cage of the girl he heard crying when a huge heavy set 7 foot tall vampire headlocked him from behind!  Drake was a very muscular 6′ 2″. However he was puny in comparison to this vampire hulk! Of course in the supernatural world, especially when it comes to vampires, size doesn’t usually mean a thing!  It’s unknown who this vampire was but Drake was in the fight of his life even being a 5th generation 740 something vamp.  He bit into the flesh of the vampires arm causing him to howl out in pain, and release Drake. The girl in the cage screeched loudly as they punched, and kicked each other racing around the room at speeds so fast that the human eye could barely keep track of the two!

The vampire hulk was getting desperate, and started releasing animals from the cages. Clearly the hulk must be the one who feeds them because they all ignored him, and went for Drake! He swatted off the behemoth beasts like he was batting away annoying squirrels. However they were enough of a distraction for the hulk to get the upper hand. He got Drake in another headlock with one arm while wielding a stake from behind with the other. He started pressing it on Drake’s chest. Two lions, and a tiger were biting chunks of flesh out of Drake’s legs as he yelled out in unimaginable pain!  Then a big bear literally bit his balls right off causing a shriek so loud that it shattered all the glass in the basement! No worries those grow back on a vampire! LOL!

Upstairs bullets, knives, stakes, Chinese Stars, and even kitchen sinks were flying all over the place. It was a war zone as the mansion was lit ablaze by vampires bursting into final flames. Rebecca’s magical reserves were waning, and she took to hand to hand combat beating the hell out of two vampires via her Demi-Mermaid strength, speed, and agility.  She then used her hydrokinetic mermaid powers to launch a firehose force stream of water from a pipe nearby. It blasted two other vampires right though a giant window! Julia Hathaway was tossing vamps, and human guards aside with her telekinesis when she came to Rebecca’s side, and said,” I sense Drake is about to die!”  Upstairs Duanna sensed the same thing to her horror. It was enough of a distraction to weaken her hold on Cortez. He suddenly became aware of more than half his men being dead as the sounds of gunfire, and screams wafted upstairs with the smell of his house on fire!

Cortez attempted to get up but Duanna was on top of him. She held him down forcibly as both their eyes glowed red with anger. He finally launched her to the ceiling causing plaster to reign down as he sped away naked at super speed! After she hit the bed, and it collapsed, she darted away after him at lightning speed buck naked as well! However a trap door was activated, and she plummeted into a sub-basement dungeon knee deep with swampy water chock full of crocodiles!  Somewhat dazed after hitting her head on the stone floor she raised above the water line to see a dozen crocs closed in on her with jaw snapping hunger for flesh of any type.  She then had a sly grin on her face as she said,”Well this should be interesting!”

There was no lull in the battle to call upon nature deities for power so Rebecca concentrated all her metaphysical power reserves to reanimate her Mystic Sphere.  It crashed down through the floor with her inside, and she hit the vampire hulk from behind sending both him, Drake, the lions, the tiger, and bear flying into a concrete wall that crumbled.  All the creatures, including Drake, and the hulk vamp, were dazed as Rebecca helped the 13 year old girl, and others left from their cages. Rebecca knew Drake was fine. A head on crash into a concrete wall was no big woof for him! The wild animals shook off the attack running toward Rebecca but she waved her hand, and they sat obediently.  All the beasts were under her dominion courtesy of her Zoopathic animal control powers! As A Demi-Mermaid this worked perfectly with sea life, and to varying degrees with land animals.

The Hulk finally got up, and punt kicked a still groggy Drake into another concrete wall causing it to crumble. He then proceed to launch himself at Rebecca! He tackled her to the ground roaring like a lion with fangs extended, and eyes illuminated in a state of rage! Her Mermaid strength was no match for this gargantuan vampire. He leaned in ever closer to her neck as he prepared to savour her sweet magical mermaid blood which would unfortunately grant him temporary Mermaid, and Witchcraft powers. He would be virtually unstoppable for a number of hours if that happened!  Just as he was about to sink his teeth into her he stopped short with a dumb look on his face as he began chuckling like a little girl.  Suddenly he burst into purple flames, and turned to gray paranormal powder raining all over Rebecca. When the dust cleared the 13 year old girl was standing there with a stake smiling from ear to ear.  She helped Rebecca up, and said,”I come from a long line of vampire slayers. I was in training with my mother when Cortez kidnapped me!” Drake hobbled over on his virtual skeleton legs with most of the flesh eaten off it, and said,”Let’s finish these bastards off, and get the hell out of here!”

Everyone, including the young vampire slayer, loaded onto the Mysticopter, and I forcibly declared,”Let’s light these bastards up!”  Machine gun fire, and bullets reigned terror upon the compound, and the minions of Cortez who remained stubborn in the defense of their Master’s property.  Ashley Abercrombie, and one of our investigators Elizabeth Weatherly, took the innocent victims away into the safety of the woods in back of the compound. We were hovering low taking out some straggling vamps running out the front of the burning hulk of a mansion in a panic! We let the wooden stake bullets fly free with reckless abandon! All the sudden the nutty naked Vampire Cortez super leaps on to the windshield of the helicopter with a deranged menacing stare. The red radiation of his eyes was so beyond bright that it lit up our dark cockpit.  We could hear his spine tingling otherworldly growling coming from his fang ridden mouth. He immediately punched through the windshield, and grabbed me by the neck. Hunter struggled to keep the chopper in the air as the rest of the team came to my aid!  He ripped my throat clean out as Drake, and Rebecca dragged him in.  Rebecca whaled in agony,”You killed my boyfriend you damn filthy bastard!”  She started choking him as Drake helped hold him down with one hand while going for a stake with another.  Our teenage bionic boy wonder Zack Powers, and the young vampire slayer, along with Seth, was helping hold him down but he eventually launched everyone off into control panels damaging them.

The alarm bells sounded as Hunter had no choice but to land the Mysticopter! I was totally dead in the pilot’s seat as everyone attempted to fight off the crazed Cortez.  Hunter got out of the chopper with his machine gun to finish off the remaining vampires who were running toward us! Thankfully a naked Duanna came running out of the flaming mansion. Although she was sliced up quite a bit from the Crocs!  Everyone was completely tuckered out, and bloody battling Cortez. He was about to finish everyone off when he spun around, and smiled at Duana who smiled back.  His grin turned to grimace as she held his tiny black heart in her hands before his very startled eyes!. She had plunged her hand through his rib cage, and scooped his heart out. He uttered his final words,”You bitch!” just as she squeezed it to dust in her hands! He briefly burst into flames before turning to a pile of ash that blew out into the compound yard as nothing more than dust in the wayward wind!

Drake carried me out, and sat me on the lawn. As he, and Duanna both bit into their wrists letting their healing vampire blood drip upon my absent throat. Duanna worryingly said,”It might not be enough!”  Rebecca then took a pouch of healing herbs out, and sprinkled it on the blood as well. She then recited an incantation,”Oh harmonious Hygieia Goddess of healing I call unto thee to repair the ravages of darkness upon the one I love! I humbly implore you to let your medicinal magic manifest through me with care!”  The blood, and herbs shimmered red, white, and pink causing my throat to reform.  I woke up coughing rather heavily but I was alive, and well! Some would think I’d be transformed into a vampire but one must have their blood almost completely drained, and thankfully mine wasn’t. Also the magic intermingled might have stopped such a transformation as well. I’m not sure how I’d feel about becoming the Vampire Xavier Remington!

The mansion blaze was the biggest fire I had ever seen as we could hear fire, and police sirens in the distance.  We all scrambled back into the Mysticopter but it waned as we tried to lift her off the ground.  Zack Powers did some of his computer wizardry, and actually interfaced his bionic circuits into the helicopter’s controls. It lifted up as the authorities arrived.  We were about to be spotted so Hunter took a chance, and hit the experimental mach speed button.  We flashed away with a sonic boom into the dark night leaving behind vampire ash, and a wall of orange flames along with flashing red, and blue lights.

Back at Mystic Investigations Headquarters Duanna, now clothed, informed us that Cortez was never able to psychically contact any vampires outside the compound due toKeanu Reeves being so enraged by our attack!  We contacted our friend Sheriff Blake Maverick to get the Vampire Cortez’s human captives medical attention, and transport to their homes. Thankfully most of them were in a vampire feeding induced mental haze. As it wore off they forgot about everything including the vampires! Fred was watching a movie in our VIP lounge, and we reassured him that he was safe to live out his immortal life. However he would eventually face various dangers both supernatural, and otherwise. He needed a wise mentor who had lived for centuries surviving all manner of threats.  We had called our good friend the Immortal Keanu Reeves about this matter. In fact he was prepared to join us in battle but pressing matters prevented him from arriving in time.  Although as we entered the cafeteria for a well deserved post-battle dinner he walked from the shadows of the vending machines smiling.  We all laughed at how excited Fred was as he gushed all over Keanu with gargantuan glee. LOL!

Keanu joined us for dinner as he explained to Fred that he would now be under his protection as he taught him the ways of being an Immortal in between movie shoots. Keanu was even kind enough to give a pint of his blood to Drake, and Duanna who said it was the best blood they ever had!  We had all manner of food pre-cooked, and ready to heat up quickly since we’re always beyond hungry after a supernatural battle! An hour later the young vampire slayers mother ran in with tears of joy in her eyes as she embraced her daughter. She joined us in our celebration as well, and we spoke of working with her in the future. Some hours later Keanu took Fred to his house to pack before hopping a private jet to parts unknown.  The rest of us ended up going home during the Witching Hour.

That night as we all slept soundly in our respective beds we noted that we woke up in terror at exactly 3:00 AM, The Devil’s Hour! Just before we awoke we all had the same vexing vision of the Vampire Dracula! I’m sure it was just a coincidence!

Also Read How The Vampire Drake Alexander Met The Immortal Keanu Reeves!

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Rowdy Ransomware Roust

The Case Of The Cyber-Voodoo Extortionist Hacker!
Ransomware DemandTuesday morning started off with a bang when we were unable to access any of our computer files!  Then we got an ominous email from a horrifying hacker holding our sensitive supernatural files for ransom.  We were a victim of the infamous Ransomware! A computer virus that locks files via an encryption code which gives a hacker leverage to extort money from individuals, and businesses. If we didn’t pay $2.2 million dollars the heinous hacker said our files would be deep-sixed into oblivion, and beyond! This includes our precious paranormal database of supernatural secrets amassed over the last 10 years along with our resident vampire Executive VP Drake Alexander’s 700 years of personal journals painstakingly scanned into digital form. Of course he at least still has the original texts. Conventional hacking is impossible in our paranormal crime fighting facility since our resident witch Rebecca Abernathy had incorporated multi-layered magical encryption with the aid of our computer whiz kid, and Cyborg Zack Powers. Unfortunately it seems we were compromised by a Voodoo Master who called himself Voodoo Victor.  He apparently used a unique computer cyber-curse voodoo virus he paranormally patented to partake of pestering people for extortion money! His emails demanding money were smug, and so full of pride bragging about how he beat the marvelous Mystic Investigations! In fact our angry replies took the ransom from the original $1.3 million to the final $2.2 million figure!  Our bad! 🙂

Fortunately those replies, and responses from this filthy fiend allowed Rebecca, Zack, and our Psychic Julia Hathaway to locate his wretched ransomware rear!  A method of GPS map scrying, and supernatural server tracking did the trick! We’ll give him credit. He was smart bouncing the emails off 13 different computer servers around the world.  He led us to believe he was in Nigeria because we were supposed to wire the money to a Nigerian bank account. However we ultimately found the blasphemous bastard was in New Orleans, Louisiana.  No surprise since it’s nearly the top ranked Voodoo practitioner location in the world, second only to Haiti!  Once we knew where the son of bitch was we toned down our responses, and said we were in the midst of raising the funds.  Drake Alexander had his new private jet prepped at our local airport here in Woodland Springs, Colorado, and within a few hours we were in the air headed to Louisiana for some sweet revenge!

We landed at Louis Armstrong New Orleans International Airport at about 3 PM Central Time.  We then promptly rented some SUV’s, and raced to Cajun Bayou country!  As we entered the muggy swamps of the Bayou Rebecca began scrying on a local paper map we got at the Chamber Of Commerce.  An hour, and a half later we stopped at the end of a muddy dirt road, and exited our vehicles cautiously.A series of wood boardwalks navigated through the scum ridden swamp ahead of us.  Drake utilized his eagle eyed vampire vision to see a small cabin in the distance.  We were about to walk on to the wood construction when at least a dozen Zombies began blasting out of the Earth at light speed. Clearly such fast moving zombies were the product of magic. Most likely Voodoo!

I bellowed the command,”Evasive walking dead attack pattern Delta Seven!”  Everyone sprung into action as we took out the zombie scourge with extreme unrelenting prejudice!  Everyone fought with their specialty tools of the trade. I used my trusty sword, Drake used his bare hands, Rebecca her magic, Zack his bionic strength, Julia telekinesis, and our Cryptozoologist Ashley Abercrombie just stood there smiling as two zombies barely bit her before racing away to be eradicated by the rest of us! She’s an extremely rare Human-Zombie Hybrid so she’s immune to the Zombie Virus, and her flesh is repellent to the mindless living dead drones. Generally she’d rather not fight, and often plays dead since she can halt her heartbeat, and breathing.  As the despicable rotted remains of the zombies were strewn about, and on us we all jumped in the swamp to wash up a bit.  Then we headed down the boardwalk.


When we came to the cabin we could see three satellite dishes on top, and heard maniacal laughter coming from inside. As we neared the front door we could hear a man talking to someone on the phone,”Yeah I got six different high class chumps pissing their pants! If all goes well it’ll be a cool 11.3 million for us! Who knew Voodoo could be so damn freaking profitable!” Then the crazy cackling started up again before he said,”Yeah bye Foster.” When he hung the phone up we kicked the door in, and I said,”Surprise Motherf@$&*#!”  Voodoo Victor was a giant horizontally challenged slob who was stuffing his face full of Crawfish with some kind of crimson sauce dripping down his greasy white t-shirt.  We startled him so badly he started choking as he frantically grabbed a Voodoo Doll while holding a lighter to it.  He spat up some of the Crayfish he was gagging on, and then stuttered,”Sttt-sttay the the h-h-hell away! When y-you entered that door a magical dust flew on you, and cemented a curse! This doll is you now fools!  I light this bitch, and you’ll all go up in flames! Think I’m joking! Try me!”  Victor then singed the hair on the doll to prove his point. A small tuft of everyone’s hair, except for Drake, and Rebecca, lit ablaze briefly as we patted our heads in a moment of panic!

Voodoo Victor snidely snickered a bit but then inquired,”What the hell? Why didn’t it work on you two?”  Rebecca then smiled slyly saying,”I’m half Mermaid, and he’s a vampire you big dumb dumb! You need a more powerful Voodoo Doll Curse to affect us!” He then nervously chuckled,”Are you crazy? Magic, Zombies, Aliens, and Ghosts are real but the rest is science fiction!”  Drake replied,”You’re a misinformed moron!  We’re from Mystic Investigations, and we want the damn encryption code to our files now!”  Drake then extended his sharp fangs, and caused his eyes to glow raging red!  Victor screamed like a little girl, and lit the Voodoo doll on fire.  Rebecca yelled forth for her active witchcraft power,”Noooo! Mystic Sphere! Nec Aer”  She threw her hands forth encapsulating the doll, and Victor in her pink translucent energy orb.  She also added that no air be in it.  The flames instantly extinguished, and we only felt a few seconds of pain.  Victor was trapped within gasping for air.  I walked up to the clear pink metaphysical energy sphere, and demanded,”Give us the codes now! Your Voodoo is a joke!”  He then gasped,”It’s the blue USB flash drive on the table with your company’s name on it!” I walked over with Zack, and we found it along with a pile of other USB sticks.  There was also information in his computer about everyone he was extorting from.  In addition we found two bank accounts with 3 million dollars in them combined.

Rebecca popped her paranormal bubble, and Drake picked a beyond frightened Voodoo Victor up with one hand lifting him into the air before throwing him across the room causing a table to collapse under his immense weight.  He had to be at least 350 pounds!  Big Vic rested on the floor while sweating like a pig.  He desperately pleaded,”Don’t take anything but your flash drive! I owe powerful people money! They’ll come after you!”  We laughed, and I told Drake,”I guess we can’t let him live now?”  Drake smiled, and nodded as he strolled over literally growling like a tiger. He picked Victor up again, and pretended he was about to sink his fangs into him but stopped short only to mesmerize him with vampire hypnosis.  He made Voodoo Victor not only forget about us but who he even was.  He told Victor he was an Alligator, and then threw him out the window into the swamp water.  Victor peacefully swam away never to be seen again!  We transferred the confiscated 3 million to our offshore Cayman Islands account for redistribution to the victims with the rest, of unknown origin, going to charity. After collecting all the data we lit the cabin ablaze, and drove back to New Orleans. Along the way we sent the codes back to our Colorado headquarters, and an employee was able to unlock all our files!  The man Victor was talking to was named Foster Hanks. Hanks was living in Nigeria so we had some local paranormal associates of ours pick him up, and turn him over to the authorities.There was no evidence of anyone else in on this global computer caper. Hopefully this matter was closed, and there wasn’t any power players involved in this extortion racket.

As long as we were there we decided we might as well spend the night in New Orleans. We ate at the highly honored, and awarded Commander’s Palace which usually requires reservations weeks in advance but Drake, and Rebecca hypnotized everyone. We could have eaten for free but we never use our powers in an immoral way….well not overly immoral anyway! LOL! 🙂  We ended up spending the night at the prestigious Ritz-Carlton Hotel.  Drake actually had an old immortal friend, named Fabricia Albus, who holds a permanent room there, and they caught up on old times. Luckily this was the usual time of year she spent in New Orleans since she travels a lot. Before we went to bed we had walked about the local area including Canal, and Bourbon Streets. On Bourbon Street a charming woman named Lisa Wentworth had her purse suddenly stolen by a petty thief.  Drake caught him in a jiffy, hypnotized the perp to never commit another crime in his entire life, and returned her purse.  Drake, and Lisa talked a bit before we continued experiencing the nightlife of New Orleans until about 1 AM.  It turns out Lisa is the owner of a company in Wisconsin that specializes in wondrous Werewolf traps which we will definitely utilize in the future! Werewolves are people too! We capture, contain, and release after returning to human form at dawn whenever possible!

Mystic Investigations Organization Command Chart
Mystic Investigations Org Chart

Bothersome Biker Babies

Street Punk Biker ThugsA gang of biker punks were roaring up, and down our usually quiet street Enchantment Lane. What is it with old guys who are so desperate to feel cool, and young that they have to get tattooed up, wear a leather jacket with sunglasses, and rev obnoxious motorized bicycles?  We called the police, and the Deputy Sheriff a few times but the bikers just flee in 100 different directions eluding the them. Then they come back again even louder, and more obnoxious than ever!  As the Enchantment Lane Neighborhood President, and current Neighborhood Security Captain I was getting calls from our residents complaining.  Finally my girlfriend Rebecca Abernathy, a Demi-Mermaid Witch, said,”Get out there, and kick their asses Xavier!” Despite having amazing powers she seems to say that every so often when faced with a mob. I’m beginning to think it does something for her to see me take on a large group of thugs single handedly. I then said,”Wouldn’t it be easier if you just went out there, and put the old Whammy on them?”  She replied,”Oh that’s no fun! Where’s your sense of adventure? Also there’s that pesky Supernatural Secrecy Pact to deal with. Plenty of opportunities for prying cell phone video camera eyes to catch me in my magic act!”

I was on the phone with our friend Sheriff Blake Maverick as the gray haired adult children came roaring forth once again.  Blake was out of town with his girlfriend, and our next door neighbor Tiffany Sanders.  He’d previously deputized some of us at Mystic Investigations when he needed help, and I had him authorize my Deputy Sheriff status once again.  I hanged up the phone, and took my badge out of the drawer along with putting on my trusty gun belt.  I marched into the middle of the street loudly ordering them to halt as Rebecca stood on the front porch jumping up, and down smiling with glee like a cheerleader.  She screamed,”Punch that big one in the face!” LOL!  The bikers ignored me with sneering smiles as they pretended to charge me with their ridiculously loud motorized big wheels. I stood my ground, and finally clothslined one of the bastards right off their silly little bike.  He looked to be in his early 60’s as he lie on the ground crying,”Ahhhhhhhhh my assss!”  That finally got the geriatric teenagers to park their bikes in the middle of the road.  They all ran toward me with anger over their fallen biker buddy.  At that point I utilized my extensive Kung Fu, and Ninjutsu skills to take down these sons of bitches with extreme prejudice!

It had been a while since I took on so many punks at once but it helped that they were all pretty much out of shape middle aged to senior citizen types. Furious kicks, and punches flew about wildly as one of the fools bellowed out,”My freaking hip! I just had it replaced!”  Another one was whining about his arthritis acting up while lying on the pavement. All of them were down for the count except for one exceptionally huge forty something guy who actually had some muscles.  Clearly the youth of this oh so cool bicycle gang!  He claimed to be an Ex-Navy Seal as he pointed to his tattoo with pride while holding a chain in the other hand. I then exclaimed,”Punk, I serve with an Ex-Navy Seal. His name is Hunter Jackson. Hunter is a friend of mine. Punk, you’re no Hunter Jackson nor a Navy Seal.  You’re nothing more than a has been trying to prove he’s young, and tough through his pathetic accouterments, and loud boom boom baby engine noises.”  He growled angrily and swung his chain at me but I caught it in my hand, and hit his wrist grabbing it away from him. I then threw it aside, and began rapid punches, and kicks while dancing about eluding his attempt to make contact with me.  I finally wore him out, and he collapsed to the ground huffing,and puffing.

I took out my sidearm, and put each motorized bicycle out of it’s misery.  What a pleasure it was to hear those engines die one by one leaving nothing but sweet silence. The street was left with nothing but the whimpering of downtrodden punks as neighbors came out clapping, and cheering.  One yelled,”About damn time these idiots were shut the hell up!”  Rebecca ran into the street, and kissed me. The supposed Ex-Navy Seal said,”Why man? Why?”  I then asked,”You were never really in the military were you?”  He then reluctantly replied with head down,”No”  I then said,”You ask why but we’re all wondering why you bikers do what you do?  Why do you try so hard to act tough?  Why does it only seem to be you guys who hit middle age who start this outlaw biker crap annoying everyone with your nauseating motor revving?  Just grow up already so we can all live in peace!”  One of them replied,”Jesus man I felt like an old fart, and my life was slipping away in to the grave until I got a tat, strapped on my leather, and straddled my hog for the first time.  Rebecca responded,”Oh for Pete’s sake!”  I answered,”Well how about actually taking to the open roads, and stop riding around the same area 3000 times!  Clearly you’re just showing off, trying to intimidate people, and cause trouble just to make yourself feel tough. If you’re so tough go ride on the damn Express Way!”  Rebecca chimed in,”Yeah, and enough with this tinkering of your bikes in your driveway while revving it 1000 times BS!  Your neighbors hate your guts!”

The false Navy Seal then said,”Well you shot our damn bikes man!  We’re not going anywhere now!”  I responded,”You brought this on yourself but I’ll pay to have your bikes repaired since I doubt your insurance would cover this misadventure on your part!”  There was a glimmer of hope in their sullen eyes.  I continued,”If you truly love biking then go drive around the country, and enjoy the scenery instead of playing games with people! Can you do that?  Have you finally learned your lesson?”  The fake Seal replied,”Yeah man I guess we were being asses.  We won’t do this again if you pay for our bikes.” I replied,”Okay then I’ll let you off with a warning but you’ll have to pay to have your hogs towed away.”  The hip whiner cried,”What about our medical expenses?” I then shot back,”Don’t push it old man!”  He put his hand up in agreement.  Within 40 minutes the entire mess of baby bikes, and biker boys were gone from our lovely lane. All that was left were some oil stains. It felt good not resorting to magic, or supernatural abilities for once.  Although just as I was about to wrap this story up Rebecca told me she used a spell to amplify her mesmerizing Mermaid enchantment upon the bikers.  Damn I knew they were too agreeable at the end!

If you’re a biker then please for the love of God would you stop playing around with your bike in your driveway, and roaring around the same side streets 1000 times!  Be a man, and go out on the open highway! If your bike is so jacked up you need to tinker with it 24-7 then take it to a mechanic like a normal human because apparently you aren’t competent enough to ever fix it.  Better yet spend some damn money, and buy a brand new one!  Hopefully electric so we can end your insane noise! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!