It was about 2:15 PM Friday afternoon at Mystic Investigations headquarters as we went about our supernatural business. Everyone was looking forward to the fun filled weekend! Except those of us who choose to sacrifice our personal time to patrol the community, and rid it of any metaphysical menaces. Most of our executives were out on paranormal investigations including our most powerful team members that included a Demi-Mermaid Witch, a telekinetic psychic, a human form werewolf, and an Ex-Navy Seal. Our vampire Executive VP was working from home. All was quiet, the way I like it, when all the sudden a crazy chubby guy bursts into our sunny lobby. He was sweating profusely even though he was wearing a rather thin Batman t-shirt, and plaid shorts. The weirdo was on his cell phone screaming about not wanting to be committed to the funny farm. Our receptionist Barb Gerber was frozen in fear as he came flying at her with a wild look in his deranged eyes. He bellowed,”Somebody help me! They’re after me! I don’t want to go to the looney bin!” He was so loud that most of us working upstairs heard the commotion. As President of Mystic Investigations I immediately sprung into action, and bolted from my office to the 2nd floor balcony looking down into the lobby. The rest of the employees upstairs came running up behind me.
The kook was now frantically grabbing at Barb who pushed the panic alarm that proceeded to wail throughout our entire facility complete with flashing red light. This also triggered sensitive areas to automatically be locked down. He whined loudly,”They’re going to put me in a straight jacket in the cuckoo house! For the love of God please help me!” I don’t want to go to the rubber room!” He then screamed into the phone,”F*ck you bastards! I’ll die before I go to your hell hole!” He launched the phone at the wall, and it smashed into 1000 pieces as other employees on the first floor cautiously peered from two entrances into the lobby. I had seen enough of this insanity, and leaped over the balcony landing on my feet in the lobby as I have extensive training in Ninjutsu acrobatics! I grabbed the bastards arm, and spun him around to give the old school Liam Neeson “Taken” style throat chop. The chubby fool fell to the floor holding his throat now sobbing, and coughing profusely. I then calmly announced,”Okay folks everyone back to work! Nothing to see here! Everything is okay!”
Doctor Ashley Abercrombie, our Demi-Zombie Cryptozoologist, emerged from her basement laboratory after hearing the alarm. She asked if everything was okay, and I pointed to the man lying on the floor still crying, and gagging. I then said,”Yeah this nut burger needs a sedative or something!” I chuckled a bit as I spoke to the guy,”Hey pal just shake it off. It’s not that bad!” I exclaimed to Ashley,”I think he’s just over exaggerating! It was just a light tap to the throat area.” She examined his neck, and was about to take a syringe from her lab jacket when four muscular men in white came in. They looked like orderly’s from a mental institution. The approached me, and said,”Ah there’s the bastard! He got away from us!” as they pointed to the wacko. They all smirked a bit, and flashed a paper while saying,”We got commitment orders for this guy. Looks like you saved us the trouble of sedating him.” We all laughed lightly as Ashley stated,”I was just actually about to administer a sedative.” The man in white asked,”Are you a Doctor?” Ashley stated she was licensed to practice medicine in Colorado so they allowed her to give the man a much needed sedative. He quickly calmed down, and was only lightly sobbing, and coughing every so often now. The man in white then said,”Okay we’ll take this loon off your hands. Do you need any statement for the police?” I replied,”Nah it’s not even worth the trouble to call them. Just give this poor bastard the help he so desperately needs” The man answered,”Oh we will Sir! Thanks for containing this menace to society!” I responded,”Ah don’t mention it. The day was kind of boring until this happened.”
Two of the men grabbed the now calm mental patient by each arm as he shuffled barely able to walk under the influence of the sedative. Ashley suddenly questioned them as they neared the front door, “Are you taking him to the Shadowbrook Institute?” The man in white turned around smiling,”Yeah Miss! We’ll take good care of him there! Thanks for your help!” Ashley then forceful declared,”That’s odd since Shadowbrook closed three years ago!” I then yelled,”Hey wait a minute! Let me see those commitment papers again!” All the men dashed for the door but I whipped out my remote security control to lock it. Now trapped within they all turned around no longer smiling as one said,”Damn you just had to stick your nose where it didn’t belong!” The chubby guy turned around crying while silently pleading,”Please help me.”
The head thug in white pulled out a handgun and fired point blank at me! Ashley leaped in front of me taking the slug like a trooper. Naturally she’s half zombie, and can’t be killed by a simple bullet. Just as she fell to the floor I speedily front hand sprung toward the gun totting bastard, and kicked the gun from his hand as I took on all four of the hefty men in white. The chubby guy fell to the floor like a helpless slug while Ashley appeared dead. Soon she would self-resurrect as per the power of her unique stable zombie DNA. A number of employees had fled the building upon hearing the alarm, and the rest who remained were just office workers with no fighting skill or supernatural field experience so I was on my own. Barb the receptionist quickly dialed the police as I battled the rather large men utilizing not only my Ninjutsu skills but also my extensive Kung Fu skills. Humans can never learn enough martial arts when facing paranormal beings with superpowers on a weekly basis!
The other men attempted to pull out their guns but my lightning quick blows disarmed them with the guns kicked under furniture, and behind large potted plants in the warm sun drenched lobby. Finally three of the men were on the ground attempting to recover from precision punches, and kicks but one snuck up behind me! The bastard put me in a chokehold as he sarcastically whispered in my ear,”Don’t fight it jackass! Don’t fight it!” Another thug got up, and began belting me in the face, and stomach while laughing maniacally. Some of the employees attempted to help me but they were immediately swatted away by the other two who staggered up. Ashley sprung up from the floor right behind the man who had me in the chokehold. She bit a huge chunk of flesh out of his neck despite fighting the zombie urge to eat human flesh her entire life. Blood spurted everywhere as the man screamed in terror now infected with the zombie virus! I was nearly passed out and collapsed to the floor. The other three men just stood scared with looks of sheer horror on their faces. Ashley’s eyes turned an ominous inhuman gray, almost silver, color that reflected the sunlight in an other worldly manner. She stood at the foot of the now fallen man in white, and blood stained clothing. He gripped his neck making a gurgling sound as he coughed up blood. Ashley menacingly walked slowly toward the terrified men, and one said,”She’s just a little crazy bitch! We can take her!”
One of the employees barfed at the sight of the bloody carnage as Ashley attacked the rest of the men in a zombie induced rampage. Her gutteral growling sent chills up everyone’s spines! Virtually everyone including Barb, the Receptionist, fled the building out the back screaming at the sight of a live horror movie taking place before their very eyes! The entire lobby was literally sprayed with nauseating blood to the point that the windows were now filtering sunlight in with a crimson tint! The distinctive metallic scent of blood wafted through the air like a slaughterhouse! Ashley seriously lost control for the first time in her life. Plausibly a combination of being shot, the danger & adrenaline rush of the situation, and a complete denial of her cannibalistic hunger! I got to my feet, and ordered Ashley to stop but it was too late. All four men were dead, and she was about to go after the poor chubby guy lying in the corner! I yelled,”Ashley snap out of this zombie crap!” as I slapped her hard in the face! She growled, and lunged at me! I was shocked as she was always the most calm, and logical member of our supernatural crime fighting team. I had no wish to acquire the zombie virus so I fled the lobby, and used my remote to close the steel emergency containment doors trapping her within. I had mere seconds before she reset her sights on the helpless chubby guy. I quickly entered a secret doorway behind the bookshelf leading to an extensive set of hidden corridors in our facility. I came out a secret door behind her, and pulled the chubster in with me. She spun around, and ran toward us but the door was safely locked. I could hear her growling, and clawing at it like a wild maniac!
I immediately ordered the complete evacuation of the facility while calling the executives back to headquarters. Unfortunately the Woodland Springs Police arrived just then, and I had no idea how I was going to explain my zombie situation along with a lobby full of slaughtered men! I called my friend Sheriff Blake Maverick who knew about the real world of the supernatural, and thankfully he declared jurisdiction over the police ordering them to leave. Our Senior Vice-President, and Demi-Mermaid Witch Rebecca Abernathy was the first to arrive flying down from the sky in her Mystic Sphere energy bubble. She landed discretely in the back of our facility within the woods. She came running up through the shocked employees milling around out back unsure what to do next. Once inside I apprised Rebecca of the situation, and she immediately mixed up a potion of Stinking Nightshade, and Purple Passion. Both are known zombie repellants that should theoretically return Ashley to her right mind. In essence repelling her zombie half so her human half could take control again. From the balcony above Rebecca launched a large balloon filled with the stuff down to the lobby below as Ashley looked up at us snarling at us while sending shivers throughout our body with her dead cold eyes! The balloon burst near her, and the entire area smelled like hell itself!
Ashley passed out for a minute or so before awakening now alarmingly aware at what she’d done. She started crying,”Oh my God what have I done?” I lifted the security doors, and we entered the blood stained lobby. I reassured Ashley these men were evil murderers, and it was self-defense. Rebecca took her home to watch over her the next few days after this unfortunate zombie episode. I also sent everyone home for the day, and told them this was just a drill. Nothing had actually happened. It was all a special effects act to see how they’d react to a horrifying incident. Most of them seemed to buy it as they usually did. Especially when the Sheriff reassured them my story was true. I kept the chubby guy sedated in our secret panic room until we were ready to deal with him, and figure out what was going on here.
Firstly we had to clean up mess in the lobby. I called in our team of Supernatural Crime Scene Cleaning Specialists to dispose of the zombie virus infected corpses, and wipe down the bloody lobby. A complete metaphysical deodorization to eradicate the wretched stink of the zombie repellent potion! Their efficient work returned things to normal by the end of the business day. Meanwhile in the employee lounge I sighed as I crossed out the 3 on the laminated safety poster, and wrote 0. “0 Days Without A Lost Time Accident. The Previous Record Was 7 Days!” Ah yes the hazards of working at a top flight supernatural investigative crime fighting firm!
Our executive team fed the chubby guy, and gave him a fresh set of clothes. He informed us that his name was Fred Jacobson. I remorsefully apologized to Fred for throat chopping him. A now calm, and rational Fred said he understood it had to be done. We quickly ran a background check, and interviewed him along with searching the white van the four thugs had pulled up in. Our Psychic Julia Hathaway also read Fred’s mind as well. Once our Executive VP the Vampire Drake Alexander arrived the final piece of the puzzle came together as he detected a very distinctive aroma in Fred’s blood. What we discovered was a sinister plot to harvest Fred’s unique blood since it seems that this nutty overweight guy was in fact unknowingly an Immortal. The type of human Immortal born by evolutionary fluke every so often as is the case with the most famous of his kind. The actor Keanu Reeves who we personally know. It seems Fred’s blood test at the local blood bank set off secret spyware in the computer system which then sent an automated message to a powerful vampire in Colorado Springs. Vampires relish in certain supernatural bloods. Especially human Immortals! The four thugs were the associates of the notoriously murderous Vampire Cortez!