The Vampire Cortez

Previously On Mystic Investigations (Click Here For Part 1)…
Cortez CompoundThe Vampire Cortez is listed in the global vampire archives as a despicable 971 year old 4th generation vampire who preys on humans for blood, and relishes in a prolonged agonizing kill! All generations of vampire 13, and higher are considered royalty to some extent so we had to tread lightly with this blasphemous bastard for fear of incurring the wrath of Transylvanian First Generation Royals! Especially since this puke appears to have participated in at least a handful of human hunts with Dracula back in the 1800’s. We’re not sure if they’ve kept in touch but if Dracula didn’t kill him then he must consider him at least worth a crap! Cortez holds the official vampire royal title of Marquess Of Central Colorado which gave him further prestige, and protection courtesy of higher level vampires!  So we had our work cut out for us if we were to save the newly discovered Immortal Fred Jacobson from his clutches!

The only thing on our side was the fact that apparently Cortez had a reputation for reckless rampages that threatened to expose vampires to the world.  He received a few slaps on the wrist from Transylvania, and wised up. He now satisfies his insatiable blood lust, and need to murder humans via elaborate gaslighting schemes. Especially when dealing with beings possessing special blood such as Immortals. Basically he, and his thugs drive their victims crazy, and then pose as mental health officials who implore families to commit the victim for their own good. This was the case with Fred who eventually began to act sane once we hid him at one of our safe houses. Unfortunately when dealing with vampires, and their insane sense of smell, instinct, and psychic abilities, it’s rather hard to hide from them!  We had to keep moving Fred around until we resolved this matter one way or another!

Our Scottish vampire associate Drake Alexander is known as somewhat of an outsider who has no interest in being apart of the vampire royal hierarchy.  Since he is a 5th generation vampire they leave him alone for the most part. Especially since his vampire mother, Duanna Sargon, is an extremely beguiling ancient 4th generation vampire princess who is beloved by many royals including King Dagan. Although his wife Queen Gula is very jealous of her. It’s rumored Dagan, and Duanna once had an affair back in 344 BC Ancient Greece. Supposedly they did it at Aristotle’s house. Amazingly we do know for sure that Dagan made him a vampire, and he’s still alive somewhere in Greece!  As for the rest unfortunately it’s not one of those things you can just casually ask a person! Believe me I’m dying to know! So Duanna will visit Cortez, and do all the talking with Drake in tow just in case there’s any trouble. The rest of us would not be welcome there…well we would as dinner!

The Demi-Zombie Ashley Abercrombie was doing better but still feels deep remorse over killing those four thugs in white. We still can be believe she went full zombie on them!  You should never go full zombie! The Good Witch Rebecca Abernathy returned from Ashley’s house now that her boyfriend, the Werewolf Seth Morgan, was back in town. She wanted to just go ahead with a frontal assault on the Vampire Cortez’s Colorado Springs compound wiping out his entire organization leaving no clue of our involvement behind. I’m not sure if we have the power to do that but Rebecca is usually the impulsive one who wants to mow through the forces of darkness with her powerful witchcraft. The total opposite of the normally calm, reserved, and rational Ashley Abercrombie. Rebecca was disappointed in seeing no action but I told her to be ready just in case!  Certainly the Vampire Cortez, and all his cohorts deserved to die since Vampire Slayers consider him a top prize in Colorado. It’s estimated he’s the most prolific killer of humans in our State, and possibly the entire Western United States!

Duanna flew in on her private jet from her palace in Turkey, and went with Drake to the Cortez Compound not long after sunset.  Not only were there human minions but also vampire thugs as well. They all looked upon Duanna with lust but Drake with disgust. Drake was disgusted as well to see various human males, and females lying about who looked emaciated as they were drained of blood under the hypnotic spell of the living dead. Cortez happily greeted his guests in his den of iniquity, and hid his disdain for Drake. The plan was to charm him before breaching the subject of Fred.  An egotistical vampire with his level of pride was sure to say no without some buttering up.  He got very intimate with Duanna as they snuggled, and giggled near the hearth while Drake sat in a chair nearby nursing his 100 year old Scotch. Finally Duanna asked if he could release Fred Jacobson to them in exchange for a future favor. A favor from a powerful Vampiress like Duanna was worth a lot in the vampire community!

Despite this he still refused until Drake said,”We’ll give you the Immortal Keanu Reeves!” That got his attention as he had a look of pleasant surprise on his face. Even dare I say a slight sign of a joyful tear appeared! He replied,”Oh sweet son of Satan are you serious? You can get me the Immortal Reeves?”  Drake responded,”Yes he thinks we’re good friends so I can lure him here.”  Cortez then inquired,”Why would you give up the most prized human blood asset on Earth for a pathetic sub-standard immortal slob like Fred?” Drake then lied, and said,”Keanu has insulted me on several occasions, and his ego needs to be taken down a few pegs! It’s the perfect opportunity to teach him a lesson, and solve our little problem.  You don’t mind if I visit every so often to gloat, and taunt him?” Cortez finally agreed,”Oh of course I wouldn’t mind welcoming the man who made me the envy of the vampire world! Reeves I would not extinguish! He would be a fine wine to savour for all eternity! Yes if you can get me Keanu then Fred is yours! Not much of a deal on your end but whatever floats your boat pal!”

He cackled like a loon for a bit as Duanna, and Drake prepared to leave. Suddenly he said,”Ah Duanna I think we have some unfinished business my dear!  I do believe a sign of good faith would help me believe you’re really going to hand Keanu over to me! This just all seems too good to be true! After centuries of eluding us the holy grail of blood is just tossed on my doorstep like an edition of The Gazette!”  Duanna sighed a bit, and strolled toward Cortez smiling seductively before passionately kissing him. They then both headed upstairs to his bedroom suite.  Drake was about to protest but Duanna raised a hand silently ordering him to back down.  He sat back in his chair, and his super hearing eventually heard amorous sounds coming from upstairs. He was quite agitated by the unsavory situation but kept his cool while he sat alone in the dimly lit den.

Twenty minutes passed, and he eventually blocked out the salacious sounds.  Especially since another noise hit his ears. A noise of silent desperation. A girl who couldn’t have been more than 13 was crying in the basement,”I want to go home! Mommy help me!” Suddenly the deep voice of a man screamed,”Shut up you little brat! Master will have you later tonight!” He laughed maniacally as the sound of a metal door slamming shut could be heard. Drake knew they were here on a specific mission, and it wasn’t to save all the lost human souls in this hell hole. It went against everything he stood for. After hearing the girl cry for five more minutes, along with empathically feeling the living hell all manner of people were going through, he had enough!

Drake strolled out of the den, and was immediately halted with two hands on his chest. One from each of two guards standing outside the door.  Both were vampires.  Drake smiled, and said,”I’m dying for some blood! Could I please visit your blood cellar?”  One of them angrily replied,”Nobody gets blood in this house unless Master commands it! Get back in the den traitor!”  Drake then replied,”I’m not a traitor! I just want to be free, and live my own way.”  The other one responded,”Yeah we know you kill our kind you bastard! If Master ordered us we’d stake your ass right now!”  Drake’s grin left his face as his eyes glowed seriously crimson, and he appeared a bit monstrous with fangs extended.  Drake then exclaimed,”Thankfully I’m not a pathetic lackey who kisses a Masters ass. I don’t need anyone’s permission to do this!”  Drake pulled out a wooden stake, and vanquished the two vampires before they could say a word. They burst into unholy violet flames, and were ash within seconds.

Another vampire had been walking nearby, and came running since the sound of extinguished vampire makes a very distinct noise. Drake quickly snapped his neck, and then proceeded to decapitate him with his bare hands causing another cloud of ash to fly about the now smokey room! Luckily there were no surveillance cams as they couldn’t risk someone tapping into the feed, and having video proof of vampires for the mainstream media to see!  Drake looked around nervously as he called Rebecca Abernathy on his cell phone. He whispered, “It’s a go! I’m taking down this sick bastard!” Rebecca excitedly replied,”Yes!” She was right outside the compound as she bellowed,”Mystic Sphere!“, and flew on to the property in her protective witchcraft based pink metaphysical energy bubble. As she came whizzing on to the compound grounds some guards looked up, and fired machine guns at her but the bullets bounced off. Flying in behind her was the rest of our team in the Mysticopter flown by none other than myself with Ex-Navy Seal Hunter Jackson in the co-pilot seat.  It’s a highly advanced military attack helicopter with all manner of weaponry. Certainly it’s not legal to own but nobody can prove it even exists! While Rebecca fired volleys of magical energies we shot bullets, and missiles with extreme prejudice!

Meanwhile in Cortez’s bedroom his super senses, including his psychic abilities, had no indication of the carnage reigning down on his despicable compound. Despite him, and Duanna being 4th Generation vampires, she was far more powerful due to being over 4000 years old while he was a spring chicken at barely 1000 years old!  She had him completely compelled in her sensual love trance. This was necessary to prevent him from psychically informing the royals around the world that Mystic Investigations had attacked him!  The other vampires were quite young, and not powerful enough to do that. They were sire bonded to Cortez who was their Master. Their living dead father who brought them across into the dark shadows of bloody eternal damnation!

We landed the chopper just as Rebecca’s supernatural sphere crashed through the front doors causing splinters to fly about.  Our talented team followed her in dressed in black military garb armed with everything in our arsenal!  Drake continued to stalk, and stake vampires, and guards around the house while we took the rest head on.  He began rounding up human captives, and guiding them out the back doors. Drake made his way to the basement, and witnessed the sheer horror of innocent people locked away in lion cages. In fact there were a few cages with lions, tigers, and grizzly bears in them! Apparently Cortez was a big shot who liked to show off by wresting wild animals! Drake began releasing people, and guiding them to the exits while talking down armed punks along the way. He was riddled with bullets but they didn’t affect his living dead body! He was about to unlock the cage of the girl he heard crying when a huge heavy set 7 foot tall vampire headlocked him from behind!  Drake was a very muscular 6′ 2″. However he was puny in comparison to this vampire hulk! Of course in the supernatural world, especially when it comes to vampires, size doesn’t usually mean a thing!  It’s unknown who this vampire was but Drake was in the fight of his life even being a 5th generation 740 something vamp.  He bit into the flesh of the vampires arm causing him to howl out in pain, and release Drake. The girl in the cage screeched loudly as they punched, and kicked each other racing around the room at speeds so fast that the human eye could barely keep track of the two!

The vampire hulk was getting desperate, and started releasing animals from the cages. Clearly the hulk must be the one who feeds them because they all ignored him, and went for Drake! He swatted off the behemoth beasts like he was batting away annoying squirrels. However they were enough of a distraction for the hulk to get the upper hand. He got Drake in another headlock with one arm while wielding a stake from behind with the other. He started pressing it on Drake’s chest. Two lions, and a tiger were biting chunks of flesh out of Drake’s legs as he yelled out in unimaginable pain!  Then a big bear literally bit his balls right off causing a shriek so loud that it shattered all the glass in the basement! No worries those grow back on a vampire! LOL!

Upstairs bullets, knives, stakes, Chinese Stars, and even kitchen sinks were flying all over the place. It was a war zone as the mansion was lit ablaze by vampires bursting into final flames. Rebecca’s magical reserves were waning, and she took to hand to hand combat beating the hell out of two vampires via her Demi-Mermaid strength, speed, and agility.  She then used her hydrokinetic mermaid powers to launch a firehose force stream of water from a pipe nearby. It blasted two other vampires right though a giant window! Julia Hathaway was tossing vamps, and human guards aside with her telekinesis when she came to Rebecca’s side, and said,” I sense Drake is about to die!”  Upstairs Duanna sensed the same thing to her horror. It was enough of a distraction to weaken her hold on Cortez. He suddenly became aware of more than half his men being dead as the sounds of gunfire, and screams wafted upstairs with the smell of his house on fire!

Cortez attempted to get up but Duanna was on top of him. She held him down forcibly as both their eyes glowed red with anger. He finally launched her to the ceiling causing plaster to reign down as he sped away naked at super speed! After she hit the bed, and it collapsed, she darted away after him at lightning speed buck naked as well! However a trap door was activated, and she plummeted into a sub-basement dungeon knee deep with swampy water chock full of crocodiles!  Somewhat dazed after hitting her head on the stone floor she raised above the water line to see a dozen crocs closed in on her with jaw snapping hunger for flesh of any type.  She then had a sly grin on her face as she said,”Well this should be interesting!”

There was no lull in the battle to call upon nature deities for power so Rebecca concentrated all her metaphysical power reserves to reanimate her Mystic Sphere.  It crashed down through the floor with her inside, and she hit the vampire hulk from behind sending both him, Drake, the lions, the tiger, and bear flying into a concrete wall that crumbled.  All the creatures, including Drake, and the hulk vamp, were dazed as Rebecca helped the 13 year old girl, and others left from their cages. Rebecca knew Drake was fine. A head on crash into a concrete wall was no big woof for him! The wild animals shook off the attack running toward Rebecca but she waved her hand, and they sat obediently.  All the beasts were under her dominion courtesy of her Zoopathic animal control powers! As A Demi-Mermaid this worked perfectly with sea life, and to varying degrees with land animals.

The Hulk finally got up, and punt kicked a still groggy Drake into another concrete wall causing it to crumble. He then proceed to launch himself at Rebecca! He tackled her to the ground roaring like a lion with fangs extended, and eyes illuminated in a state of rage! Her Mermaid strength was no match for this gargantuan vampire. He leaned in ever closer to her neck as he prepared to savour her sweet magical mermaid blood which would unfortunately grant him temporary Mermaid, and Witchcraft powers. He would be virtually unstoppable for a number of hours if that happened!  Just as he was about to sink his teeth into her he stopped short with a dumb look on his face as he began chuckling like a little girl.  Suddenly he burst into purple flames, and turned to gray paranormal powder raining all over Rebecca. When the dust cleared the 13 year old girl was standing there with a stake smiling from ear to ear.  She helped Rebecca up, and said,”I come from a long line of vampire slayers. I was in training with my mother when Cortez kidnapped me!” Drake hobbled over on his virtual skeleton legs with most of the flesh eaten off it, and said,”Let’s finish these bastards off, and get the hell out of here!”

Everyone, including the young vampire slayer, loaded onto the Mysticopter, and I forcibly declared,”Let’s light these bastards up!”  Machine gun fire, and bullets reigned terror upon the compound, and the minions of Cortez who remained stubborn in the defense of their Master’s property.  Ashley Abercrombie, and one of our investigators Elizabeth Weatherly, took the innocent victims away into the safety of the woods in back of the compound. We were hovering low taking out some straggling vamps running out the front of the burning hulk of a mansion in a panic! We let the wooden stake bullets fly free with reckless abandon! All the sudden the nutty naked Vampire Cortez super leaps on to the windshield of the helicopter with a deranged menacing stare. The red radiation of his eyes was so beyond bright that it lit up our dark cockpit.  We could hear his spine tingling otherworldly growling coming from his fang ridden mouth. He immediately punched through the windshield, and grabbed me by the neck. Hunter struggled to keep the chopper in the air as the rest of the team came to my aid!  He ripped my throat clean out as Drake, and Rebecca dragged him in.  Rebecca whaled in agony,”You killed my boyfriend you damn filthy bastard!”  She started choking him as Drake helped hold him down with one hand while going for a stake with another.  Our teenage bionic boy wonder Zack Powers, and the young vampire slayer, along with Seth, was helping hold him down but he eventually launched everyone off into control panels damaging them.

The alarm bells sounded as Hunter had no choice but to land the Mysticopter! I was totally dead in the pilot’s seat as everyone attempted to fight off the crazed Cortez.  Hunter got out of the chopper with his machine gun to finish off the remaining vampires who were running toward us! Thankfully a naked Duanna came running out of the flaming mansion. Although she was sliced up quite a bit from the Crocs!  Everyone was completely tuckered out, and bloody battling Cortez. He was about to finish everyone off when he spun around, and smiled at Duana who smiled back.  His grin turned to grimace as she held his tiny black heart in her hands before his very startled eyes!. She had plunged her hand through his rib cage, and scooped his heart out. He uttered his final words,”You bitch!” just as she squeezed it to dust in her hands! He briefly burst into flames before turning to a pile of ash that blew out into the compound yard as nothing more than dust in the wayward wind!

Drake carried me out, and sat me on the lawn. As he, and Duanna both bit into their wrists letting their healing vampire blood drip upon my absent throat. Duanna worryingly said,”It might not be enough!”  Rebecca then took a pouch of healing herbs out, and sprinkled it on the blood as well. She then recited an incantation,”Oh harmonious Hygieia Goddess of healing I call unto thee to repair the ravages of darkness upon the one I love! I humbly implore you to let your medicinal magic manifest through me with care!”  The blood, and herbs shimmered red, white, and pink causing my throat to reform.  I woke up coughing rather heavily but I was alive, and well! Some would think I’d be transformed into a vampire but one must have their blood almost completely drained, and thankfully mine wasn’t. Also the magic intermingled might have stopped such a transformation as well. I’m not sure how I’d feel about becoming the Vampire Xavier Remington!

The mansion blaze was the biggest fire I had ever seen as we could hear fire, and police sirens in the distance.  We all scrambled back into the Mysticopter but it waned as we tried to lift her off the ground.  Zack Powers did some of his computer wizardry, and actually interfaced his bionic circuits into the helicopter’s controls. It lifted up as the authorities arrived.  We were about to be spotted so Hunter took a chance, and hit the experimental mach speed button.  We flashed away with a sonic boom into the dark night leaving behind vampire ash, and a wall of orange flames along with flashing red, and blue lights.

Back at Mystic Investigations Headquarters Duanna, now clothed, informed us that Cortez was never able to psychically contact any vampires outside the compound due toKeanu Reeves being so enraged by our attack!  We contacted our friend Sheriff Blake Maverick to get the Vampire Cortez’s human captives medical attention, and transport to their homes. Thankfully most of them were in a vampire feeding induced mental haze. As it wore off they forgot about everything including the vampires! Fred was watching a movie in our VIP lounge, and we reassured him that he was safe to live out his immortal life. However he would eventually face various dangers both supernatural, and otherwise. He needed a wise mentor who had lived for centuries surviving all manner of threats.  We had called our good friend the Immortal Keanu Reeves about this matter. In fact he was prepared to join us in battle but pressing matters prevented him from arriving in time.  Although as we entered the cafeteria for a well deserved post-battle dinner he walked from the shadows of the vending machines smiling.  We all laughed at how excited Fred was as he gushed all over Keanu with gargantuan glee. LOL!

Keanu joined us for dinner as he explained to Fred that he would now be under his protection as he taught him the ways of being an Immortal in between movie shoots. Keanu was even kind enough to give a pint of his blood to Drake, and Duanna who said it was the best blood they ever had!  We had all manner of food pre-cooked, and ready to heat up quickly since we’re always beyond hungry after a supernatural battle! An hour later the young vampire slayers mother ran in with tears of joy in her eyes as she embraced her daughter. She joined us in our celebration as well, and we spoke of working with her in the future. Some hours later Keanu took Fred to his house to pack before hopping a private jet to parts unknown.  The rest of us ended up going home during the Witching Hour.

That night as we all slept soundly in our respective beds we noted that we woke up in terror at exactly 3:00 AM, The Devil’s Hour! Just before we awoke we all had the same vexing vision of the Vampire Dracula! I’m sure it was just a coincidence!

Also Read How The Vampire Drake Alexander Met The Immortal Keanu Reeves!

The Case Of The Memorial Day Zombie Ghost

Zombie GhostAll of us as at Mystic Investigations had off on Memorial Day.  Of course theoretically we’re never off duty since supernatural darkness never sleeps! Most of us went our separate ways but saw each other at the various festivities throughout the day in Woodland Springs, Colorado. This included the annual Memorial Day Parade in the morning.  I noticed an odd grey skinned man wearing a tattered World War II soldier’s uniform complete with green helmet.  He walking among the parade floats with a sinister look on his face.  Our Telekinetic Psychic Julia Hathaway found us, and said she felt chills up her spine when the mysterious man looked directly at her. She called his eyes soulless coals of death! The fair Demi-Mermaid Witch Rebecca Abernathy also said something wasn’t right about him.  Well besides the stale zombie looking skin.  We tried to find him but he disappeared into the crowd without a trace.

Later in the afternoon we attended a solemn service at the cemetery to honor the men, and women of the armed forces who had given their lives to defend our freedoms.  A special ceremony was held in front of the Mulroney Family Crypt.  The Mulroney’s were a moderately wealthy family who made their fortune in mining back in the late 1800’s. A long lived fortune that still allowed them to live as millionaires. The 76 year old Patriarch Wallace Mulroney was recently informed that his MIA Father’s remains were miraculously found in Germany.  Shockingly they were rather well preserved in a secret Nazi underground laboratory only discovered mere months ago.  There was a media cover up due to the secrecy of the experiments that were paranormal in nature.  Experiments dabbling in immortality.  Records indicate that the loyal Nazi scientists wanted to grant Adolph Hitler eternal rule over Germany, and the world.  They had a diabolical plan to not only make him immortal but also grant him the full range of psychokinetic powers all humans have in latent form within their junk DNA (Develop PSI Powers). That would have made him an unstoppable God! The world could have easily plunged perilously into tyrannical darkness!  Thankfully the war ended before their plans came to frightening fruition.

Wallace’s MIA Father, Lt. Gerald Mulroney, lied in a closed casket in front of the family crypt as a brief funeral service took place with members of the Armed Forces.  The photo on display of Gerald looked familiar but I couldn’t place where I had seen him before. The American flag draping the casket was removed, and folded by the soldiers on hand. Wallace was presented with it.  Then the casket was carried inside followed by family members as the doors creaked close.  The casket was to be opened for viewing only by them.  This was only possible due to the miraculously well preserved condition of the body. Those of us there started to walk away when we heard screams coming from the crypt.  We ran inside to find a deeply distressed family weeping over the casket being empty.  We introduced ourselves as the Mystic Investigation Team, and examined the casket.  There were claw marks on the inside, and the casket locks were bent.  Something not seen earlier due to flag draped over it.  We didn’t quite know how to tell them that whoever was in the coffin forced their way out.  So we said nothing.

We regrouped outside, and Julia said she had a vision when she touched the inside of the Spring Graveyardcasket.  She was pretty sure Gerald was the grey guy in the worn army combat uniform we saw at the parade.  I immediately realized it was the same guy in the picture once I looked past the living dead wrinkled skin.  We had some kind of walking dead creature on our hands, and I immediately contacted the other team members.  We were about to fan out when we heard panicked yelling in the distance at the Memorial Day Picnic which had just begun at the park down the trail.  We ran among the gravestones to the woodland trail.  Rebecca, a Demi-Mermaid Witch, reached the clearing to the park first since she can run the fastest.  Well not as fast as our vampire Drake Alexander but he couldn’t come out in the holy sunlight. What Rebecca saw was mass chaos as the grey skinned soldier chased people about while swinging his arms wildly, and making crazy guttural noises. As he targeted everyone he trashed picnic tables, benches, and everything else along the way!  Men, women, children, and even dogs were running away screaming in fear!  Actually the dogs made more of a yelping sound.

Once we all arrived at the park we could hear the zombie soldiers gravel voice scream,”You ungrateful brats!  I gave my life for you, and you’ve flushed America in the toilet with your lazy complacency!”  Rebecca raced to him, and stopped Gerald from picking up a woman, and tossing her several feet as he did with others who were lying on the grass in pain.  Rebecca punched him in his ashen face but he just stood there laughing manically.  He was about to grab her neck when we all tackled him to the ground.  He was fiercely strong as he growled like a mad man smelling like a rotted corpse.  At that moment my best guess was that he might be a sapient zombie otherwise known as a Zombie Ghost.  Something usually only seen when a ghost gains the power to re-enter their corpse, and self-resurrect.  However his strength was off the zombie charts when he hoisted all of us off him, and sent us flying in all directions.  He leaped to his feet snarling, gripping his hands into tight fists, and running about in an other worldly serpentine pattern.

People were scurrying to the parking lot attempting to leave but Gerald began smashing car engines, and windows along with ripping doors off their hinges.  As we approached him again he lifted a minivan, loaded with a family of five, over his head, and launched it toward a large oak tree.  The kids in the back were screeching in terror! If only Drake was here he could have caught it like a giant football.  Fortunately Rebecca, and Julia worked together to save them.  Rebecca mustered up all her Demi-Mermaid strength while Julia used her telekinesis to lighten the load on her. Gerald was enraged that we were interfering in his revenge filled rampage as he blamed everyone for what he saw as the sorry state of our nation.  He began picking up some boulders nearby, and launching them at us.  We dodged them as Rob Edmunds, our Ghost Buster, fired off his extremely expensive customized quantum particle disruption gun. Something normally used to destroy a ghosts foot hold in our reality.  It hit Gerald who was dazed for a bit but then he sped to Rob in a flash, and crushed the gun to smithereens. Certainly he was the fastest zombie ever! Gerald slapped Rob across the face knocking him out cold. I approached him, and lay some of my best Kung Fu, and Ninjutsu moves upon his living dead form. For my trouble I received a painful punch to the gut. Thankfully my martial arts training taught me to redirect kinetic energy, and spread it all about my body so blows wouldn’t be so destructive.  Sometime essential for a human battling the forces of supernatural darkness!

We all dove on top of the rage filled zombie again, and attempted to subdue him. A woman nearby was hysterically crying,”What the hell is going on here! This isn’t real!” amid Gerald’s destruction.  She was having some kind of surreal nervous break down as people lie bloodied, and injured.  A handful of people managed to speed away in their cars for dear life!  We fought to keep Gerald grounded as he roared,”I endured years of torturous experiments, and I come back to find this once great nation thrust in the dark shadows of damnation!”  I replied,”Yes Gerald it’s the unfortunate state of affairs but for the love of God would you just get a grip, and maybe we can discuss this!”  After that he just growled, and tried to bite me! One moment he was coherent, and intelligent while the next he was a wild supernatural animal!  Julia attempted to reach him psychically but his mind was a chaotic mess.  Rebecca couldn’t even get a moment to do a magic spell amid fighting this crazy corpse.

Suddenly a sewer grate flew away into the parking lot as Drake the vampire popped his head out motioning to us.  His hair began emitting unholy smoke that looked like white steam. This despite the tree’s filtering out the sunlight which is destructive to vampires.  We struggled to drag the kicking, and screaming sapient super zombie to the sewer hole.  Drake got hold of his uniform with one hand, and dragged him down into the dark stinky depths.  The entire parking lot shook as an epic fist fight took place below us. Howls, and roars bellowed forth from the sewer.  A minute later there was dead silence.  We looked down to see Drake climbing up a ladder. He said,”The zombie bit into me, and drank my blood.  A second later he was dust!”  Drake was careful not to drink Gerald’s blood just in case his origin was zombie in nature since zombie blood, or dead human blood, is poison to vampires.  Clearly vampire blood had a destructive effect on the pile of ashes strewn among a militarily uniform on the wet sewer floor. Now the only remains of Gerald.

Our friend Sheriff Blake Maverick got control of the crime scene.  He gave the usual story to the local media.  Mad man hopped up on PCP! LOL! Amazingly people usually believe it. We felt bad for the Mulroney Family, who thankfully didn’t realize their
relative was behind this Memorial Day mess.  So we had the Sheriff manufacture a story about a casket mix up at the airport.  We delivered a new coffin with a magical Glamour inside that looked like Gerald’s body.  Once sealed inside Gerald’s personal burial vault the Glamour would vanish.  Out of respect, and honor for the brave soldier Lt. Gerald Mulroney was we dressed the Glamour in his uniform, and placed most of the ashes in the casket.  We saved a small handful for supernatural study. We’re sure Gerald would have been happy to aid metaphysical science in it’s quest to protect humanity from the forces of darkness!

Our findings along with what our German paranormal investigations counterparts know of the Nazi lab, indicated that the scientists were tapping into the zombie virus to weed out the immortality element minus the rotting corpse of course.  Gerald was some kind of reanimated zombie corpse who maintained his faculties during some moments while turning into a rage filled monster at other times. Clearly there were paranormal biochemical fluctuations not perfected during the experiment. Evidence also indicated that Gerald died in such a horrific manner that he became a ghost who re-entered his dead body. This made him a Zombie Ghost although be it a very unique one.  Luckily he only bit Drake, and tossed everyone else around not even thinking of biting them.  He clearly didn’t have the zombies appetite for human flesh, or at least hadn’t developed it yet.  Gerald was locked away in a dormant state within some kind of stasis chamber since the 1940’s. We’re not sure of the exact reason why he only woke up on Memorial Day.  Perhaps the spirits of fallen soldiers in our extremely supernatural town awakened him. RIP Lieutenant Gerald Mulroney!

What Is A Zombie Ghost?

The Immortal Keanu Reeves Battles A Vampire

November 19, 2013 – Tokyo, Japan
Keanu Reeves Battles A VampireAs I entered the dark shadows of the Japanese hotel room I caught the familiar scent of a distinctive human blood.  The blood of Keanu Reeves, alias Paul Mounet, to be exact.  Before I could trace its source in the dimly lit room I felt an almost supernatural blow to my head accompanied by a hellish battle cry that ended in a rattling roar of,”Die Vampire!”  It was Keanu roundhouse kicking my vampire skull with a vengeance.  Any normal man would have been knocked out cold but I was merely dazed as I fell on to the king size bed.  I quickly rolled out of the way as he was about to fly down on me with an elbow to my throat.  Keanu’s attack upon me was lightning fast, and relentless. It took all my vampire strength, speed, and agility just to defend myself against what I thought was a simple human.

Keanu Reeves mastery of Kung Fu was beyond anything I witnessed in my over 700 Immortal Keanu Reevesyears of life on Earth!  I myself had trained in a number of martial arts forms around the world.  Unfortunately those skills, and my vampire super abilities were just barely enough to keep him from annihilating me.  Unable to get a word in edgewise to explain myself I began to go on the offensive as best I could.  I allowed my eyes to glow crimson, and fangs to extend.  He wasn’t impressed as his onslaught of precision power focused punches, and kicks continued to rattle my supernatural frame which now felt like I was human again.  Keanu finally foot swept me to the ground, and pulled out a silver stake ready to pierce my living dead heart sending me straight to hell!

July 18, 1889 – Paris, France
(All Spoken Words Were Originally In French)

It was a breathtaking mid summers night as I walked along the Seine River gazing upon the gloriously lit Eiffel Tower.  It had only been erected months earlier at the grand opening ceremony.  I was taking my time enjoying the sights, sounds, smells, and general atmosphere of Paris before attending a performance of Hamlet at the Odéon Théâtre.  I was interested in seeing the talented actor Paul Mounet perform. I had heard good things about him in the elite social circles I frequented.  A friend of mine who knew Paul acquired front row seats for me, and sent word I would like to meet him after the play.

Before I entered the theater I heard screams coming from the back of the building.  There I found two shabbily dressed men accosting a woman whose finely tailored silk dress made it apparent she was of high social standing.  However on closer approach the top of her dress had been ripped off by the filthy fiends revealing her corset.  Before I could intervene a distinguished gentlemen quickly entered the fray taking down both men with martial arts moves I’d only seen in the Far East at that point in time.  Generally a westerner wielding such skill was usually supernaturally immortal in nature.  I consoled the distraught woman while commending the amazing heroism of the man who quickly excused himself to re-enter the theater he had previously stormed out of.  I helped the shocked woman into her horse drawn carriage while examining her driver who had been knocked out cold from a blow to the head.  I looked around cautiously as I bit into my wrist, and drained some of my healing vampire blood into his mouth.  Within a minute he awoke feeling dizzy but able to drive the refined lady home.

Once in my seat I was very surprised to see that the dashing martial arts hero was none Paul Mounetother than the star of the play Paul Mounet.  I surely never heard anything about his extensive martial arts abilities that appeared to be an advanced form of Kung Fu.  The play was most enjoyable, and I relayed my pleasure with Paul’s performance as I introduced myself back stage.  Upon shaking my hand the cordial smile on his face faded a bit while I said,”Hello I’m Drake Alexander“.  He then released his grip, and took a few steps back while forcibly saying,”You are vampire!”  I replied,”Yes sir how could you know that?”  Paul replied,”I have my ways sir.  What are your intentions?”  I then assured him that I was not totally beholden to my demonic bloodline, and I fight to protect humans from the dark supernatural scourge.  He was silent as he stared intensely into my eyes for a bit before declaring,”I believe you.  Certainly your reputation with our mutual friend is sound.”

November 19, 2013 – Tokyo, Japan

Over 100 years later in 1992 I saw my first Keanu Reeves movie, Bram Stoker’s Dracula.   I was shocked to see his striking resemblance to Paul Mounet.  However after living for as long as I have you see the random repeating of facial features.  I would watch Keanu’s movies over the years, and got a greater sense each time that he was Paul.  There was a familiarity to his voice but I only knew Paul’s french accent.  This hunch of mine was only a passing interest since Paul, and I were only occasional acquaintances back in the day.  He was one to never trust vampires or other creatures of the night!  Although the last time I saw him before his faked death we engaged in battle together against a zombie uprising that disturbed a rather swanky party at a grand chateau near a cemetery.  Despite Paul’s appearance of advanced age he fought as well as he had that night I first met him.  Perhaps that should’ve tipped me off he was an Immortal.

The Immortal Keanu Reeves

Subtle mystical glamouring changes his appearance slightly to simulate minimal aging to preserve the range of Keanu’s acting roles.

I was in Hawaii, and decided to fly to Tokyo, Japan on a whim for the “47 Ronin” premier on November 19, 2013.  There on the red carpet I was able to get close enough to pick up the aroma of Reeves with the supernatural scent skills of my vampire nose.  This confirmed that Keanu was Paul Mounet since a vampire always remembers every aroma that dances upon his olfactories.  Before parting ways that night of our first meeting I remember the scent of an odd herbal solution coupled with some manner of magic coursing through his blood.  I would later find out over 100 years later from Mystic Investigations resident witch, Rebecca Abernathy, that is was a glamouring spell.  I had thought it explained how he sensed I was a vampire but it was actually the magical placement of a false facade. I now know he was simulating the aging process. Indeed Keanu Reeves is an Immortal!  This also explains the extensive knowledge of history he had in our conversations at various social functions.  It wasn’t a first class education but rather first hand experience over the centuries.

Neo Matrix ReevesLater after the movie premier I managed to sneak into Keanu Reeves hotel room by hypnotizing his security guards via my vampire mesmerization powers.  Little did I know that was the easy part.  He was more than a match for my vampire abilities during his vicious Kung Fu attack upon me.  Now lying on the floor with a silver stake about to take my life I finally yelled,”Paul I’m the vampire Drake Alexander!  I know it’s you! I mean you no harm!  I’m sorry my curiosity got the better of me!”  He paused for a bit as he studied me carefully.  I added,”As a major A List celebrity this is the only way I could see you!”  He then got up, put the stake away, and extended his hand toward me with a smile.  I accepted, and Keanu helped me up.  He then said,”When it comes to vampires I don’t take any chances! I’m sorry to say when you live as long as I do the memories fade as with any normal human.  Unfortunately my immortality doesn’t equal perfect total recall.  I do remember you now Drake.”  I replied,”I understand.  Many of my kind are the quintessence of evil itself!  I know it’s none of my business but I am deeply curious why I’m not able to sense your immortally. Immortal usually have a very identifiable sanguine scent”

Keanu poured himself a scotch on the rocks, and offered me the same.  We then sat down, and he told me his remarkable story.  Firstly, Keanu’s name actually is Keanu with no surname. Now that the world is so interconnected by the media his Hawaiian-Polynesian name, meaning cool mountain breeze, doesn’t really stand out as unusual in the global culture.  Although he’ll stop using it again for his next identity. Of course he’s hoping science achieves immortality so he can come out of the immortal closet to the world, and not have to worry about being a human guinea pig.  Despite so many people speaking of his immortality these days he doesn’t worry because mainstream society, and governments just think it’s an internet meme.

Keanu Reeves is a rare breed of simple immortal that is born among humans by genetic fluke each generation or so.  The type whose cells simply refuse to die.  This is why his blood didn’t smell supernatural to me. The Telomere’s at the end of Keanu’s Chromosomes simply don’t degrade with each cell division so his cells remain healthy, and don’t produce imperfect aging copies. Keanu has existed for thousands of years. So long in fact that he doesn’t know what year he was born, or how old he exactly is since his memory is like that of any normal human. As you get older the years, decades, and centuries meld together.  Especially during the long period of time without a real calendar system along with shifting calender standards over the centuries. He estimates he’s somewhere between 2000 and 2500 years of age.

Keanu doesn’t have any special powers other than being immortal which include amazing self-healing abilities. He’s somewhat like the immortal animals that exist in abundance on our planet. He said he had some close calls nearly dying from diseases, and injuries but he lucked out over the centuries thanks to his totally excellent DNA that affords him amazing healing abilities, and a first class immune system. Surviving the dreaded Black Plague of the 14th century was the most difficult for him but as everyone else fell prey to the dreaded bacteria he lived on. He even managed to survive a run in with the paranormal progenitor of the Plague known as the Plague Doctor! Keanu is also one hell of a martial arts expert including being a Kung Fu master. A martial arts repertoire so extensive that he could easily hold his own with a 5th generation vampire such as myself.  He told me he’s fought a variety of supernatural beings over the centuries, and developed an almost sixth sense in detecting them.  That’s how he knew I was a vampire that first night we met in 1889.  He choose not to share his immortal status with me back then due to his general mistrust of supernatural creatures who yearn for immortal blood.  However he learned to trust certain witches that he seduced.  Witches who helped wean him off cheesy beards, hair dyes, and make-up to fake his aging.  Before both magical glamour’s, and various measures to fake aging he simply had to move on every 10 years or so to a new life for fear of being branded a spawn of the Devil or some manner of witch himself.  He had several close calls with superstitious mobs hopped up on religious dogma. Those witches also taught him how to put together a bag of herbs, and crystals that hide the smell of his Immortal blood which is why I never knew his true nature!

Despite not being paranormal in nature his birth was caused by something special.  His Polynesiafather, and mother are naturally not Samuel Nowlin Reeves, Jr and Patricia Taylor.  He wanted a mainstream acting career, and payed the couple to be his parents.  Keanu, and a team of experts who create identities for various immortal beings created an entire childhood life for Keanu complete with faked photos, and magically implanted memories into witnesses.  His true father was an ancient Polynesian who took part in an unknown magical ceremony that unintentionally coincided with a dark magic ritual taking place at Stonehenge in Ancient England.  A strikingly beautiful Celtic woman who was to be sacrificed was saved by being sucked into the bright light of the porthole.  She assumed she was killed, and transported to Heaven, aka the Polynesian paradise.  There Keanu was consummated within the Celtic woman thanks to his Polynesian dad.  Nine months later an immortal Keanu was born into this world!

For at least a hundred years Keanu was known as the wise ageless one revered by his people as a savior. However he was forced to leave under a new royal regime that saw him as a threat to the throne.  The people were looking more, and more to Keanu for guidance while ignoring the King. The royal family did not want a King Keanu who was not of royal lineage.  Especially one who would never die…at least by natural causes.  The royal family branded his immortality as evil, and the populace turned on him.  He was forced on to a boat, and cast to sea where he spent several hellish months alone in the open shark infested waters.  He eventually ended up in Hawaii which he found deserted at the time.  So technically Keanu is the first Hawaiian.  He build a better bigger boat, and headed back to sea gradually making his way to the Far East where he began his martial arts training.

After telling me the tales of his centuries of totally excellent adventures we agreed to meet again, and stay in contact with each other.  He also said he’d call if he needed the assistance of Mystic Investigations for any supernatural threats. Mystic Investigations is the paranormal firm out for supernatural justice where I hold the position of Executive Vice-President.  He was deeply interested in our crusade against evil, and he seemed somewhat enamored by a photo of our resident witch Rebecca Abernathy.  I told him she was already taken by Mystic Investigations President Xavier Remington but he said,”That’s never stopped me before!”  We both laughed…sorry Xavier I gave him Rebecca’s number.  I’m sure she told you about his phone call.  Before leaving I asked him to let me know the next time he performs Hamlet at a playhouse so I can relive our old times in Paris.

December 11, 2052

Keanu FutureMystic Investigations Psychic Julia Hathaway had a future vision as I was writing this story.  She saw a supposedly 88 year old Keanu Reeves magically glamoured to look somewhat older.  Although he only looked like he was in his early 60’s.  Naturally he attributed it to good genes, a decent diet, and exercise. Since 2049 cellular repairing Nanobots have been available to the consumer after a consultation, and recommendation from a special nanotech physician specialist.  Keanu decides it’s time to hold a live news conference where he walks on stage looking a youthful 33 years old.  The public assumes he’s taken a nanobot injection to reverse his aging but instead he tells the world he is over 2000 years old.  Various doctors, and scientists join him at his press conference to confirm he has no nanobots within him, and that he is indeed a natural born immortal.  Soon after other natural born immortals step forward into the light with fear of being a lab rat finally faded. His critically acclaimed book,”Keanu: My Life As An Immortal” reaches number one on every best sellers list, and shatters all book sale records.  Interest in books, and reading was at an all time low but Keanu inspired the populace to give Holographic Television a rest!  He also shatters many myths, and untruths about history over the past 2000 years which naturally ruffles some feathers in the mainstream media, historical community, government, and various religious institutions.  He then goes on to star as himself in the adaption of the book to a blockbuster film of the same name.  The vision gets distorted as future years indicate Keanu Reeves becomes one of the first Presidents of a 22nd century Earth Confederation that unifies humankind in peace as they make their way to the stars, galaxies, and extraterrestrial encounters.  Someday all of the Milky Way Galaxy, and beyond will know the cool mountain breeze known as the Immortal Keanu!  | Watch Keanu Reeves Movies Online |

Keanu The Selfless Immortal

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